Always? Forever.

I don't...

I kept my word and met Killua in the town square the next afternoon. It was a sort of awkward situation to be honest. What was I supposed to say? Killua also seemed to be a bit more quiet than usual. "Tonight is our final fights against Knuckle and Shoot." I hummed and walked beside him aimlessly. "If we win will you come with us to the NGL?" I thought about it for a minute. It was a dumb question though because the answer was inevitably yes. "Yes, that was my plan the whole time. When the fighting ensues I'll be ready." Killua shoved his hands in his pockets "you wouldn't come back for any other reason though?" I messed with the zipper on my jacket, slightly lost in thought. "Doubtful. I've got to take care of Louise. She would've lost the shop if I left town like I originally planned to."

Killua kicks a rock as we're seemingly headed out towards the woods. "I guess.. that's good." I stop just as the road we'd been on turns to dirt. "Alright Killua, get to the point. What do you want?" His nose scrunches up a bit with a hurt expression. "I'm sorry." I was slightly taken aback , just like every other time he'd seriously apologized to me. "It's fine I-" he cut me off with a shake of his head. "No! I should never have acted so childish." I sighed a heavy sigh and wiped a small drop of blood from my nose. "Killua, everything was really my fault. Kite died because of me and I made you choose between me and Gon. Even though I know you're not in the best state of mind."  His brows furrowed slightly and he shoved his hands into his pockets. "What do you mean? I feel fine." I sigh once again and shake my head. "Killua, had I asked you to choose between me and Gon at any other point in our relationship, you'd have chosen me without a second thought. But since you were scared of losing Gon you've found yourself attached to him out of fear of losing him."

    His breath hitches a bit and he steps backwards. "How'd you know all that?" I shrugged "I learned how to read you pretty fast. Plus, it's sorta happened to you before. When I was kidnapped the first time." He stumbles for some reason and drops onto his butt, leaning against a tree. I sit next to him on the side of the tree. I watch his eyes glaze over for a minute or so before I decide to interrupt his thoughts. "Penny for your thoughts?" The familiar phrase we often use seems to bring him back to reality and he cracks a dry smile. "You're right." I hum and grab his cool hand from the ground, squeezing it tightly in mine. "I always am." I joke and he squeezes back. "Bisky is going to make me leave Gon if I don't win this fight tonight." I grit my teeth.

     "Sorry, that's probably partially my fault." He shakes his head and looks up at the unnaturally blue sky. "I dunno, I'm starting to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea." We both release long tired sighs as we stand up. Our hands are still intertwined and I stand in front of him. "I promise to be better, or at least try to." I smile softly at him. "Killua, you're not the only person with flaws here. I promise to be better too. Also know that you're forgiven even before you do anything wrong. I love you." I take the time to absorb some of Killua's features. His unnatural white and fluffy hair that's silky to the touch. His bright blue eyes that cannot be described as anything but ethereal. Or his pale complexion that's never seen any blemishes. He's... beautiful.

Killua's POV:

I was honestly terrified when I saw Y/n's face emerge from the crowd in town. A part of me was hoping that she wouldn't show up. I think it was because I felt guilty for my actions and that no matter how badly I screwed up, she'd never reprimand me. We only shared light smiles and small talk as we walked through the bustling streets. Our conversation had started to turn down a dark route as I knew it would. I could feel my palms sweating from my anxiety. I'd been planning on how to properly apologize for nearly two months to no avail. How could I apologize for something like this? I'm supposed to always be there for her and choose her no matter what. So why? Why had I chosen Gon that day? Even when my heart told me that I absolutely wanted to go with her and never return, my brain made me stay.

     "Alright Killua, get to the point. What do you want?" I clench my jaw and scrunch up my face. The harsh question leaves a sour taste in my mouth. What happened to us? We used to be attached at the hip and now... but what could I do? I glanced at her eyes trying to find any trace of an emotion that I could latch onto to help me out. All I saw was pain and sadness. "I'm sorry." I had blurted out the words before they registered in my brain. It was as if I already knew what I needed to do. Y/n starts to talk but I cut her off, "No! I should never have acted so childish." The words tumbled from my mouth and I clenched my fists. How could she try to excuse me? I was clearly in the wrong! "Killua, everything was really my fault. Kite died because of me and I made you choose between me and Gon. Even though I know you're not in the best state of mind." Best state of mind? What the hell?  I'm so confused, why in the world would she think I'm not alright right now. Well, actually,..

      "What do you mean? I feel fine." I can tell my confusion echoes through my voice because Y/n signs loudly with a sad smile. "Killua, had I asked you to choose between me and Gon at any other point in our relationship, you'd have chosen me without a second thought. But since you were scared of losing Gon you've found yourself attached to him out of fear of losing him." What? I feel kind of dizzy and I can feel the breath catch in my throat. She has no way of knowing that about me. Even if we're so close no person should be able to know that about another person. But, she was right. Y/n always did have a way of seeing straight into my soul. "How'd you know all that?" I mumbled out. "I learned how to read you pretty fast. Plus, it's sorta happened to you before. When I was kidnapped the first time."

    I can feel my breathing begin to shorten and I stumble back to sit against a tree. Why am I acting like this? I should be happy that someone understands me but I can only feel one thing. Fear. I'm scared. I terrified and internally screaming at how easily she could tell me every thought. It reminds me of Illumi and his ever present aura. But as I stare at Y/n standing there gazing at the ground every now and then, I can't help but also feel guilt. What happened in her mind to have made her this perceptive? She comes over and sits down next to me, grasping my hand in her ever familiar ones. I desperately missed her touch. I'm awoken from my thoughts with a familiar phrase. "Penny for your thoughts?"  What were we talking about again? I was so wrapped up in my pity party that I'd forgotten the task at hand.

     So I said the first thing that I could come up with. "You're right." She was right, about everything. "I always am." I could feel my dry lips crack with a small smile. Y/n squeezes my hand almost like an invitation to tell her everything weighing me down. I almost do. Instead, I stick with the most recent thing. "Bisky is going to make me leave Gon if I don't win this fight tonight." What would happen if I lost? How would everything go down? I'm scared again.      "Sorry, that's probably partially my fault." There she goes again, apologizing for things that she doesn't need to. I stare up at the clear blue sky in thought for a moment. Maybe.. just maybe, leaving Gon wouldn't be so bad. "I dunno, I'm starting to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea." We both let out long sighs and stand up, our hands still intertwined.

    "I promise to be better, or at least try to." I frown at the ground. "Killua, you're not the only person with flaws here. I promise to be better too. Also know that you're forgiven even before you do anything wrong. I love you." She stares into my eyes, simply observing them. And everything hits me all at once. Like I'd been hit by lightning. I remember the oblivious and funny girl that I fell in love with, she's.. gone. Now as I watch her movement I find it like my throat is clogged. Y/n's eyes are soft and loving while mine are looking around desperately and frantic. I clutch at my throat and step away from her trying my best not to cry. Why can't I say it? I want to say it back. My knees give way and I begin to cry. Why can't I say it goddamit!

     The world around me sounds like it's underwater as I can only focus on my thoughts. Y/n crashes down in front of me and pulls at my shoulders to sit me up. She looks so worried, so in love. I grasp my throat harder, willing myself to utter the words I had so wished someone would say to me. Instead, I just layed my forehead in her lap and cried. She just let me. And she calmed me down and muttered sweet nothings to me. Quiets 'I love you's'. And I cried harder every time she did because... I didn't love her anymore.