My husband hates me

Chapter 18

"Why do you visit the bazaar everyday?" Her mother asked, as they sat on the swing looking outside at the passing tongas and vehicles. Seher turned to face her, "Sukoon milta hai... (I feel peace)".

Her mother gave her a look, and Seher laughed, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

A mother knows everything, the lovestruck look in her eyes, her mother had recognised it before and she recognised it now. "Do you remember Haroon?"

Seher sighed, "Ofcourse, I was stupid then"

"And Seher you are being stupid now", she was a kid then and Haroon was her way out of this hell, this prison her father had trapped her in.

Seher looked at her mother, the lines under her eyes, the wrinkles on her forehead and shook her head laying her head on her mother's lap. "I was always stupid, that day I didn't leave because..."

Her mother brought her lips to her forehead, her eyes teary, "Because of me... this is my request to you, this craziness please end it. I can't lose you, you are my Seher"

All her life, she had sacrificed herself, her dreams for her family. She wouldn't have returned to her village if it wasn't for other girls of the village. Seher was selfless, an empath when it came to people and many a times people took advantage of her kind heartedness.

"Seher... why did you name me Seher?" She asked with curiousity, her mother smiled her eyes having a distant look, "When I was pregnant your father used to take me out into the fields at dawn.. I wanted a kid as beautiful as dawn. You my Seher are the dawn of my life, of everyone's life, the one that comes after darkness".

She was her mother's dream, an escape from this life and Saahil was hers.

Dreams of him made her feel alive, made her smile, made her forget her scars, scars given to her by her husband. He was the reason she visited the bazaar everyday, was the reason she felt peace.

"Ammi I am sorry... I can't stop dreaming. This madness, this craziness is keeping me alive. I can't let go of it, I might die if I stopped dreaming. I am tired... your Seher is tired, tired of being everyone's light. Tired of sacrificing her dreams for others. Ammi tell me in me you found your dawn because that's what you were looking for, I am looking for end of the sea, for peace. For my shore... that's what calm means to me".

"Your father will either kill you or him", her mother warned, Seher looked at her mother seriousness taking over, "Maar kha khakar jeeney se accha hai khud ke liye mar jau mai. Aur maar toh mujhe ussi din tha jiss din us jaanwar se mera nikkah karwaya tha, zalil kiya usne, maar peeta, mera bacha kha gaya. Ghin aati hai Ammi jab bhi woh paas aata hai, jab bhi chuta hai, uski baatein itni ghinoni hoti, uska gussa sab, aap bataye konsa baap aisa hota jo khud ki beti ko janwaar ke hawale karde. Woh jaante they ki mere saath aisa hoga.. (I can't bear his abuse, I would prefer to die once for all, on my own terms. And I died on the day Baba forced me to marrt that animal, he had mentally, physically and emotionallu abused me, he killed my child. His touch digusts me, whenever he comes closer or touches me I feel violated. He releases his frustrations on me. How could a father force his own daughter to marry a monster? He knew what kind of man Saad was.. then why?", she caught her mother's hands, her eyes tearing up, "I feel violated even when he looks at me, father married me off to a monster. He forces me..."

Her mother wiped away Seher's tears, "Pichli baar tu aayi thi toh aisi koi baat nhi ki thi. Ab kyun? (Last time you came over you never said anything about this? Why now? ) Is it because of Ayesha's son? Does that scare you? My dear Seher don't give up try to make a place in Saad's heart, all this poetry, all these dreams is 'zinah', Allah won't forgive you".

She was done with her mother, with the conversation.

"And you think Allah would forgive the way Saad treated me, the way he murdered his own sister, his kid and would Allah forgive Baba for forcing me to marry this man? Think Mama... think. Allah has set a path for me, but I am weak, I can't endure like all the women of this town. The scar on your forehead, Mama I know it wasn't from the cabinet, the scar on Naani's leg, both of us know it wasn't from her falling down the stairs..."