daylight (jemily)

Chapter Seventeen

That night, JJ went to bed without eating. There was nothing Emily could do about it. She pushed as hard as she could, but the more she pressed JJ, the more she closed up.

JJ stayed perfectly still while Emily changed into her pajamas. She didn't eat either, and the mac and cheese she made earlier got cold on the kitchen counter.

When Emily crawled into bed next to her, JJ noticed that Emily's eyes were red and slightly puffy. She'd been crying. Why was she crying?

JJ's stomach turned in knots. She hated that she was making Emily so worried. Why couldn't she just eat?

Emily kissed JJ's head gently. She was upset, but she wasn't upset at JJ. It wasn't her fault that she was sick. Emily knew that she wasn't just trying to be difficult. She really couldn't eat.

"I love you," Emily whispered, stroking JJ's hair. "It's okay. We'll be okay."

JJ curled up in her arms. Emily could feel her body shaking. JJ felt like vomiting. Was she really hurting the baby? All of a sudden she couldn't breath properly.

Emily felt her tense up, and could tell how upset she was. She didn't want to lay it on too thick, JJ stressing out about disappointing her wasn't good for the baby either.

"Hey, it's going to be fine. We'll eat a good breakfast tomorrow, okay? This one time won't hurt the baby. It'll be okay," Emily soothed her. She knew she wouldn't be getting JJ to eat tonight, so she didn't want to make her feel too bad about it.

"Okay," JJ murmured. "I'm sorry, Emily. I'm really sorry," she sniffled.

"I know, baby. You're going to be okay. Let's get some sleep," Emily said. She pressed a kiss to JJ's lips and held her until they were both fast asleep.

The next morning Emily was awake first, as usual. She never slept in late.

By eight in the morning she was already up and dressed. She went downstairs to the kitchen and started cooking breakfast. As she did, she thought about what to do with JJ.

She really wasn't sure what the best move was. She was a profiler, but she wasn't a therapist. Did she tell her that she couldn't see Mia anymore? Would that just make everything worse?

Maybe what JJ really needed was to learn how to cope with seeing her, not just stop doing it altogether.

When JJ came down an hour later she was dressed as well. Emily put a plate of pancakes on the table. They had protein powder mixed in them, something that she did to add extra calories.

"I want to go for a run," JJ said, looking at the door. Emily was sitting cross legged in a chair at the table. "Sit down and eat first," she said firmly.

"I always eat after," JJ replied. She didn't like running on a full stomach. She needed to clear her head.

"You also always eat dinner the night before. You can go later. This isn't up for discussion anymore," Emily told her.

JJ stayed standing and stared at the empty chair. "Why is that? It's my body, you don't control what I do. Why do you get to decide everything?" she frowned.

Emily stood up from her chair to face JJ. "You're right, I can't control if you eat or not. But if you're seriously telling me that you will not eat right now, then we have a much bigger problem than I thought we did," said Emily. "Is that what you're saying?"

They stared at each other for a good thirty seconds until JJ finally sat down. She grabbed the fork and started to eat.

Emily carefully watched her. She was eating, but Emily watched her anyways.

"I think that we shouldn't see Mia for another month. At least," Emily said, starting to eat her own breakfast.

JJ looked down at her lap. She didn't respond. She didn't have much of an argument for why Emily was wrong anymore.

"I was just tired last night. I don't like it when you boss me around," JJ said softly, continuing to pick at her food.

"I'm not trying to be bossy. I only tried to force you to eat last night because it really is important. You need nutrition. You're pregnant, for god's sake. Can you blame me?" Emily sighed.

JJ set her fork down, only halfway through the plate. "I just- I can't do this. Everything feels so weird. It's been months and I still don't feel normal. Why don't I feel normal?" she sniffled.

She looked like she was going to say more, but quickly stopped when she saw the worried expression on Emily's face. She'd said too much, and she knew it.

"JJ..." she said softly, reaching out to grab her hand. JJ pulled away. She got up from the table. "I need to go for a run," she said again, grabbing her shoes. "I'll finish everything when I get back. Promise."

JJ was gone and out the door before Emily even had a chance to protest.

She stared at the half eaten plate of food. What JJ said played over and over again in her head. She kept seeing her face. The way her eyes teared up and her lip quivered just slightly. Emily had never felt so helpless. JJ was clearly suffering and there was nothing she could do about it.

___

JJ was out for a long time. When she got back she got straight in the shower. She changed into clean pajamas, because it was unlikely she was going anywhere today.

She curled up in bed, her face sinking into the pillow. She noticed the sheets smelled like flowers. They'd just been washed. The smell got stronger and over powering. She felt like it was crushing her and she couldn't breathe anymore.

Emily walked into the room and saw her lying there, breathing hard. She sat down next to her and scooped JJ into her lap. "What's the matter? What's going on?" she asked, rubbing her back.

JJ leaned her face into Emily's neck. She could smell her hair. It smelled like cherries. That was what she always smelled when she laid in Emily's arms. She felt like she could breathe again.

"Nothing," JJ whispered after a few moments. "I'm fine."

"What if you started talking with a therapist?" Emily suggested, feeling JJ's breathing start to slow down. She kept talking before JJ had a chance to cut in.

"Even if you're just feeling anxious, or sad, or anything, talking with someone might help. Someone who's trained in this. You want to feel better, don't you?"

"I don't need that," JJ murmured. She didn't like the implication. She was fine. She was sad over Mia, but that was it

"JJ, you have to admit that you don't feel good right now. You don't feel normal. Everything that I try to do to help you doesn't work. You can't help yourself. Talking to a professional who understands what you're going through will help you feel a lot better," Emily told her.

"I just need more time," JJ said, closing her eyes. "I'll eat, and act normal, and I won't hide stuff. I just need a little more time."

"Are you sure?" Emily asked her. "There's nothing wrong with getting help. Lot's and lot's of people go to therapy."

"I'm sure. Please trust me. Just one more time. I'll be okay," JJ whispered.

"Okay," Emily nodded, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I trust you."