daylight (jemily)

Chapter Thirty Four

It had been a day since Emily found out about the letters, and she'd already sent them to the team. They had them analyzed and were waiting to hear back about any information.

Emily made her way down the stairs with her third cup of coffee and saw JJ sitting at the dining room table. She was on her computer, going over some old case files. She claimed she had to stay sharp for when she was allowed to go back.

"Did they find anything yet?" she asked instantly. Emily sat down too. "Not yet. I'll tell you the second that they do," she said.

She reached over and titled JJ's laptop screen shut a bit to get her attention. "I just need to ask you one more time. Did Collins make any other attempts to contact you? Have you gotten anything strange besides the letters?"

"No," JJ shook her head. She was telling the truth, but Emily hadn't been the most trusting with her recently.

"Do you swear you're telling the truth?" she asked for a final time. "I am. I swear," JJ said, picking at the wooden table.

"What would you do if I was lying?" she asked suddenly.

"What? Why do you ask? JJ, if you're not telling me something-" Emily started, but JJ cut her off. "I told you everything. I just wanted to know. If I lied, would you ever forgive me? Or would you hate me forever?"

Emily didn't take much time to think, she already knew her answer. "There's nothing you could do that would make me hate you forever. I will always forgive you, even if you lie to me," she told her. "That doesn't mean I won't be mad. Because if you're lying to me right now you're going to be working very hard for that forgiveness."

"Okay," JJ nodded, understanding. She really wasn't lying, she was just curious.

She was about to go back to her computer when Emily stopped her again. "One more thing," she said.

"What is it?" JJ asked.

Emily reached out and took both JJ's hands in hers on the table. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I said it last night, but I owe you a real apology. It was wrong for me to yell like that, and to grab you. With everything that happened with the baby, and with Collins, seeing that you hid the letters made me upset. I got so angry because I didn't want to see someone as bad as him get away."

Emily stroked her thumb over JJ's palm. "I'm not saying that's an excuse for what I did. It's not. I'm just telling you because I want you to know that you weren't the reason I got so mad. It was him. I took it out on you which isn't fair. I really am sorry," she told her.

She stood up and kissed JJ's forehead. She began to walk away, but before she did, JJ jumped up and hugged her tightly. "I forgive you," she whispered. "I'm sorry too."

Emily hugged her back. "We're going to catch him. We're going to move on with our lives. I promise, we'll catch him," she whispered in her ear.

___

That night when Emily was getting ready for bed, she noticed JJ staring intensely at her phone. Emily climbed in next to her, pulling her close. "Watcha doing?" she asked.

JJ turned her phone off and set it on the night stand. "Have you heard from Mary recently?" JJ asked. Emily was quiet.

With everything going on with the attack and the baby, they hadn't had too much time to think about seeing Mia and meeting up again. It wasn't until a couple days ago when Emily had thought to text.

Emily tried to be gentle when she talked. "I texted her a little while ago about meeting with Mia. She never replied, so I texted again. She blocked my number."

"What?" JJ asked, shocking. "Are you sure? Maybe she's just busy, maybe she'll answer."

"JJ," Emily said softly. "I don't think she's going to reply, baby. I don't think she wants us to see Mia anymore."

"No, she wouldn't do that!" JJ tried to convince her. "She was fine with us seeing her before. She wouldn't just stop letting us see her without any notice! What if something happened?"

"I looked into the police reports in the area. Nothing involving either of them. No run in's with child protective services either," Emily told her softly. "Sometimes circumstances change. She might have decided that it was unproductive for us to see Mia the way we were. We might not ever know, and we have to be okay with that."

"I can't just be okay with that!" JJ argued. "I want to know what happened! Why would she do this?"

"I don't know," Emily admitted. "But it's not in our control right now. We just have to wait. You never know, she might reach back out eventually. Mia might reach out too, when she's older."

"When she's older?" JJ sniffled. She wiped her teary eyes with her sleeve. "She won't even remember us, Em!"

It was hard for her to comprehend that the little girl she saw as her daughter may grow up and not even recognize her face if they passed in the streets.

"You know that there are things that are out of our control. I know that it's torture to accept, but sometimes we can't change things," Emily told her. She felt as heartbroken as JJ, but she was more equipped to handle it at the moment.

"I guess I really wasn't made to be a mom," JJ whispered, her lip trembling. "Come on, JJ. Don't say that. This doesn't mean we'll never have kids," Emily tried to tell her.

JJ avoided her eyes. "That's exactly what you said last time. Look how that turned out," she said coldly.

Emily sighed and tried to hold her hand, but JJ pushed her away. She didn't want Emily to comfort her. She didn't want any comfort at all.

"We never looked into fostering again. We could try for another baby. You know all the options," said Emily.

"No!" JJ shouted. "Is there any clearer way the universe could tell me that I wasn't cut out to be a mother?"

"Nothing that happened was your fault-" Emily started, but JJ quickly cut her off.

"No. I'm done with it. I'm done fostering, I'm done trying to get pregnant. I don't want to have kids. We weren't meant to have kids," JJ said, a tear slipping down her face.

"Okay," Emily agreed, pulling her into a hug. This time JJ didn't resist.