daylight (jemily)

Chapter Thirty Three

"You're hurting me!" JJ cried.

When Emily heard those words she instantly let go. She backed up, her and JJ both staring at one another for a moment.

Finally, JJ collapsed down and started to sob. Once Emily had gotten past the blind rage she felt initially, she began to feel bad for everything that she said.

Yes, it didn't make sense that JJ would lie about the letters, but there must have been a reason. JJ wanted that man in prison as much as anyone else did, and she wasn't hiding them so he could go free.

Whatever twisted reason made her do it, it most likely wasn't her fault. It wasn't fair to shout at her and make her feel bad for her actions caused by the trauma that she faced. She was so quiet because she genuinely couldn't speak.

After taking a moment to collect herself, Emily sat back down on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have shouted, I shouldn't have grabbed you like that. I'm sorry."

JJ continued to sob, curled up in a ball. Emily could tell she was breathing too fast and too hard.

"You have to take slow, deep breaths," Emily told her. "I know that you're mad and you don't want to listen to me, but it will help. You know that it will help."

Emily inched a little closer. She gently slid her hands under JJ's arms and pulled her upright. "Sitting up is better," she said. "Take a deep breath. Everything's okay."

JJ was still crying, as she tried to move her mouth to talk. No solid words would come out. She couldn't say what she wanted to. She couldn't explain.

"I know, I know. I understand. It's okay," Emily soothed, pulling her into a hug. JJ clutched onto her tightly, sobbing into her shoulder.

"Shh, it's alright. You don't have to try and talk. Just focus on calming down," Emily whispered, rubbing her back.

JJ clung to her, not even able to remember what was happening or why she was upset. It just felt like everything inside her hurt.

"You're okay," Emily cooed, still holding her tight. "You're just overwhelmed. Keep taking deep breaths. It's going to be okay."

___

After staying in that position for a while, JJ passed out again. Emily was quiet and let her sleep while she began to collect the letters.

She ordered them by date, and then began to read them one by one. There was a total of thirteen, which meant two to three letters had been coming each week.

Emily read each one very carefully. Some were only about a paragraph, but others were multiple pages. She tried to focus on any clues that he might have given away about where he was hiding, but there were little to known.

It was hard to distinguish what was real and what was a part of his delusion. All the letters mostly focused on his weird fascination or "love" for her. The most recent letter described them in a house together, raising a child. It made Emily feel sick to read.

JJ slept for nearly four hours before she finally woke up. When she did, she sat up and started to remember what had just happened.

She looked at Emily and the pile of letters in her hand. "I'm sorry," was the first thing that she whispered.

"I know," Emily nodded. "Are you hungry? Or thirsty? You haven't eaten all day."

JJ shook her head no. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying.

Emily sat next to her and crossed her legs. "We have to talk," she said, setting the letters down in front of her. "Are you ready to talk?"

JJ picked at her finger nails. "Are you mad at me?" she asked.

"No, I'm not mad at you, JJ. I'm just- I'm confused. I want you to talk to me," Emily told her. "Can you do that for me?"

JJ nodded her head. Her eyes stayed glued to the letters. She felt embarrassed and scared and she didn't want to say anything. But she knew that if she could tell anyone, she could tell Emily.

She looked up to Emily, silently asking where exactly she was supposed to start.

"Tell me when you got the first letter. Why didn't you say anything?" Emily prompted her.

JJ continued to fiddle with things in her hands. "When we first got home from the hospital there were already a couple letters in the mail. I read them and then I put them in the drawer. Then they kept coming. I didn't want you to read them."

"Why didn't you want me to read them?" Emily asked her. She could tell that JJ had become uncomfortable, but she wanted to find out the real reason.

JJ was quiet for a bit. She didn't want to say, but she knew at this point the idea of her getting out of this was not realistic.

"He kept saying he loved me. All his letters were about his fantasy," she started. "Last time when he was talking about his fantasy and I told him it wasn't real... he got mad. He killed the baby."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "I knew that if I told the team then he might find out about it. His fantasy would be broken again. If he got mad, he'd hurt me again."

"It's okay to feel scared. It's normal. But if we don't catch him, you're going to be feeling scared for a lot longer," Emily told her. "There might be something in these letters that help tell us where he is. We have to tell the team."

"I don't want to tell them," JJ said again. She curled one leg under herself. "There's nothing in the letters that will help."

"You don't know that for sure," Emily said. She reached over and grabbed JJ's hands, stopping her nervous fiddling.

"I don't want you to read them," JJ repeated. Emily pulled her a little closer. "Jen, I already read them," she told her.

JJ buried her face in her hands. Emily could hear the soft sounds of her crying again. "I had to read them, you know that. This is all to keep you safe," she said.

She tilted JJ's face up from her hands, and used her thumb to wipe off a few tear stains. JJ still wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Hey, come on, don't cry," she said calmly. "Why're you so upset about me reading them? Are you embarrassed?"

"I hate this," she mumbled, her cheeks turning red. She didn't know why she felt the way she did, but she hated what he wrote about her. Somehow Emily reading it was humiliating to her.

"Don't be embarrassed," Emily said, gently rubbing her back again. "Don't be. None of this is your fault. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

She pulled JJ closer and kissed her head. "Also, I'm your wife. You never have to be embarrassed to tell me something. Even if you think it's bad, you can tell me. Always."

"Okay," JJ sniffled, keeping her face down in Emily's shoulder. "I love you."