Her eyes

Chapter 50

When I woke up in Archers bed he wasn't next to me but I could hear the shower running. I sat up the slippers I liked placed on the floor so I could shove my feet directly into them. Archer liked to do that for me.

He liked to do a lot of things for me, sometimes he would brush my hair and plait it when I didn't have the energy after a shower. When he noticed I preferred to eat everything with a spoon he bought more so I had different options.

He would let Kimberly and I paint each of his hands different nail colors, he even let us each paint half of his face simultaneously once. He was always so kind to me. And the only thing I had given him in return was whining and crying.

I instantly felt a wave of shame wash over me, I think I should go back to my own place. I told myself it to give him space, but in the back of my mind I knew this was my attempt at running away from my problems just as I had done before. I didn't want to think about last night or the one before that. Now, during the aftermath I was embarrassed that I had spilled all my life's secrets that I'd never told anyone before. I knew what I was doing before I told him and during, but the aftermath of having all my dirty laundry aired was dreadful.

I was also embarrassed because it felt like everything I had held so close to my chest, I now had given freely just because someone was nice to me. A friend, yes. But I felt unprincipled all the same, like all I needed was some kindness and I would turn on myself. Going against every fiber of my being screaming at me to shut up and stay quiet to protect the secrets I had held for so long.

I dressed quickly, packed some of my stuff lying around in my bag and took the elevator to the street level. All while Archer was showering unbeknownst to the fact that I'd left. I felt bad. But at the same time I couldn't face him.

I was tired of being confused with my feelings, one second I was ready to be open and honest. And the next I was cowering in shame. I always felt shame, I don't know why that was the most prominent feeling that always followed me. Shame, guilt and anxiety. The holy trio.

My earliest memories where shame, shame that my clothes were threadbare, hand me downs despite the fact that all the other kids where dressed in a similar way. Shame of the way my mother acted. Shame of how I walked, or talked or how people would perceive me. I was always overly conscious of my exact movements, and if I did something I felt people would not receive well. I felt a deep self hatred, I would scold and curse myself if I said the wrong thing. And afterwards I would feel shame.

Now on top of my previous feelings, I felt guilt ridden that I'd practically abandoned Archer, I don't know why I did it, because I now knew for a fact he wouldn't treat me any different. If I really dig deep I think it's because I loathe myself, and because my own self image is so messed up, I'm now projecting my own feelings on to Archer. In truth the fact that anyone might feel differently about me than I did, was unfathomable. 

I stopped in the middle of the street, annoyed pedestrian walking past me, but for once I didn't give a flying rats ass about other peoples perception of me. Let them think I was crazy or annoying.

Because right now I was having an epiphany. This was my defense mechanism, I project my own insecurities on Archer so that I have an excuse to always run when these hard feelings resurface.

But I knew he didn't think those things of me, he told me so himself last night. And here I was trying escape. Maybe I didn't have to run this time? At the very least I owed him an explanation before disappearing, he was a good guy and he deserved better. Yes, I would go back and I would tell him.

But before I could do that, I saw a familiar face in the crowd of people rushing to go to work. Connor. His eyebrows raised in shock when he saw me. He was wearing the same outfit he had been that day, except now he looked worse for wear, "Layla," he trailed off awkwardly taking in my face when he stopped in front of me.

"Connor," I greeted even more awkwardly.

"Layla, I didn't know it was that bad I just thought it would be a small squabble, I'm really sorry. I didn't know they were like that, if I had it would've never have even happened." He said his eyes downcast.

"It's fine... where have you been?" I asked changing the subject, I didn't want his apology, he hadn't really done anything to me.

"At a hotel , I only came to pick up my stuff." He replied.

"You reek of alcohol." He rubbed the back of his neck in guilt.

"Yeah I might've gone on a bender." He chuckled.

I pursed my lips, "clearly."

I cleared my throat and turned to walk to Archers building, he caught up to me and we rode the elevator in silence. Thankful that I had an elevator pass in my bag, when we entered the flat again. Archer stood waiting for us like a disappointed parent, and I instantly wanted to apologize to him.

We all stood staring at each other for a few seconds before he started with me, "You and I will talk later." I nodded, before trying to make my escape upstairs but Archer grabbed my wrist when I passed him. "Stay." He ordered and turned towards Connor.

"Your things are upstairs." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. When he looked at me I gave him a questioning look. He shook his head in reply telling me Connor was on his own from now.

"Right, well before that. I just wanted to apologize to both of you for everything that I caused it truly wasn't my intention."  Connor started.

"It might've not been your intention, but you were happy to egg a drunk, clearly unstable person on." Archer replied, I squeezed his hand again to tell him to stop it and he squeezed mine back in reassurance that he got this.

"I wasn't thinking and I didn't think it would get to that point, it was just harmless fun at the time."

"Yes, fun. At someone else's expense. You know I don't like shit like that. So what makes you think you could do that to Layla?"

"I'm sorry, it was childish and immature, I don't know why I did it." Connor shook his head in what seemed like shame.

"Archer it's fine, he apologized to me." I nodded that it was enough. Now he was going to have a falling out with Connor because of me.