Sorrow | 18+

9 Flower garden

Song to listen to: Yseult - Corps

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Vivienne

I always recreated the image of my mother in my dreams, because I could not remember her properly. Sometimes her eyes were brown like the soil she took care of to nourish her flower garden, other times they were as bright green as the leaves during the summer, or striking blue ones to match mine. I liked to think that I looked exactly like her. I could remember that she had the kindest smile on her face which was framed by curly brown hair. I loved her more than anything with my tiny beating heart.

"Ah, mon cœur, maman is here. Come", she said. Her creamy white flower dress was full of stains from crawling around the bushes. I ran across the emerald green grass, away from the blurry greyness, towards her with my small legs and she took me in her arms, hugging me tightly. She gave me a million kisses which I tried to avoid before she laughed softly and tucked a small dandelion behind my ear.

"Look, the flowers are blooming. Do you have a favourite one?", she asked and picked me up for me to see them all. Roses, tulips, hyacinths, irises and some other flowers, that maman hadn't told me about yet, were taking place in different colours around the large garden. Everything got brighter, pushing away the edges of lingering grey and black, that wanted to take hold of me. The spring sun made the flowers even prettier and maman too was glowing in the light.

"You are the prettiest flower, maman", I whispered to her ear and the beautiful smile on her face got even bigger when she snuggled me closer to her. She was warm and I could have swore her scent was pure sunlight. She was barefoot and had dirt under nails to blemish her otherwise soft hands. Maman started to walk towards a small pond in the centre of the garden. The pond was still, the crystal clear surface mirroring us amongst the flowers. It was a memory I stored deep inside me, maman looking like an angel holding her messy heart.

"I will tell you a secret but promise you will never share this to your father", Mamam whispered when she finally stopped in front of white roses that were blinding my eyes.

"I promise."

"I hate these roses your father gave me. The white of them, it is the symbol of innocence and purity, a mark of having to be loyal to him forever."

"Is it a bad thing, maman?"

"Be only loyal to yourself, mon cœur", maman replied firmly, but there was a sorrowful tone hidden in her voice, which I couldn't understand. I was too young to realise that she was shining so brightly only to hide the sadness. Suddenly the sky opened and heavy drops of rain poured on us, making the flowers bend towards the ground.

"We have to go inside, let's hurry", maman put me down on the greyish grass, but I didn't even get to take a step when loud thunder broke out. I was shivering, scared and wanted to go back to her arms so I reached for maman's hand, but it wasn't there to catch me. I looked up to her, but her eyes had disappeared, the colour lost forever. She was holding her hand above her heart, but it didn't prevent red liquid spilling out on her dress, staining the creamy colour. Behind her the white roses were covered in thick blood, their stems squirming for her legs to catch her. She fell. She disappeared into the roses that wanted her. I screamed into the rain. Until tattooed hands yanked me out of the garden, closing around my waist.

My heart was beating, when I opened my eyes. Everything was hazy and dark. I breathed in and out. "Maman", I whispered silently as the line between dream and reality sharpened. Just a dream, Viv. I did not often dream about her, but every time I did, she died in front of me.