Sorrow | 18+

39 To beg

A song to listen to:
It's All Tears (Down in This Love) ny HIM

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Vivienne

I had learned a new fact. Watching the baby daddy of yours make breakfast for your shared daughter as his hair was tied up hastily and the tight black t-shirt was exposing his muscular, tattooed arms, it truly was unhealthy. My ovaries were screaming. SCREAMING. They were ready to drop everything and birth another baby for this man with a grin on his stark but insanely beautiful face.

Had he found out? Did somebody tell him about Joie and now he was using it against me? Even if my horny side was ready to get dicked down by this man, my rational side was still restraining me. Good for me.

"Maman, don't pull", Éléonore whined out loud. I had lost concentration while braiding her hair to keep it away from the syrup she had messed up everywhere else. I debated on making Zero to wash her up afterwards but I was scared what my ovaries would do to my brain then. Took over the rational side? I kissed my baby's head and finished the quick up-do so she could clean the plate.

"You good? Not hungry anymore?" Zero asked, his voice too close to my ear as he landed a plate of pancakes in front of me. A series of goosebumps infiltrated my skin. He was leaning too close, his scent lingering to my nostrils. He was so close he could have brushed my forearm and said it was an accident. I would have probably believed it even. I was combusting in any second.

All this was a reaction to his words yesterday. I do love you. My wires got rearranged at that moment. The words were in a loop while I tried to get Joie ready for bed yesterday. The words banged in my brain while I had brushed my own teeth. I had closed my eyes and couldn't picture anything else. I dreamed about him when I finally fell asleep. For the first time, it didn't end in a nightmare. A cuddly dream where he showered me with heartachingly sweet words. I woke up gasping for air when the dream started to turn more sexual.

My baby wasn't in the bed when I cleared my head from the dream which scared me to death and I ran through the house in a haste, landing on the situation I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. Why couldn't my life be more normal, quieter? Uneventful life was so tempting and so far from me to reach.

I was almost answering Zero that Éléonore didn't really speak English until she herself spoke. "No, I'm full, merci", her heavily accented sweet voice confused me. When had I missed the fact she could have a conversation in a third language? She had been only speaking French and Swedish at home.

"Who taught you?" My direct question was toned down with neutrality, I wasn't trying to interrogate her but during last year as her own stubborn personality had shown me, I had learnt that she was good at avoiding questions she didn't want to answer. Luckily this one wasn't one of them.

"Aunt Celly and Zara", she answered with a proud smile, her eyes shining as she turned her head towards me. I tapped the excess syrup from her face with a white napkin and gave her a smile. "Good job, mon coeur."

I returned to eat my own pancakes and drink the coffee Zero had poured for me. I could feel his eyes burning towards me, his ears were not understanding the words I had shared with my baby which had to make him curious. I do love you. Fucking fuck. I hated him. Could he just evaporate? I didn't want to start a conversation with him as our daughter was finishing her hazelnut milk with a happy little dance. I was bad at making pancakes so this was a treat for her, a special morning.

I wanted to really smash my head to the counter. Why was I a mess again? I had been here for a little over a week now. His presence in my life again shouldn't be anything that new to my system anymore. Him confessing his love was. Putain.