Beyond the Boundaries | JiKook

13-the on or off switch for continuous miscalculations

Anxiety was scary. Especially when it was caused by great trauma.

It would sometimes make him suffocate, and the other times, it would leave him restless without the hope of finding an escape. But he had never wished to be saved anyways, or never really thought of it until now.

After all, his body had seen and faced enough violations to be considered impure already. But not that he cared. It would've never had any significance anyways, he was just a vessel. 

But maybe he should have cared for it more, put meaning into it. Because seeing as how he had reacted to being handled so roughly by someone he had never imagined to be in such terms with had been enough to frighten him. But also leave an odd feeling of wanting to escape this vessel behind. 

After leaving the building, he had entered a dirty alleyway as an escape, and was now throwing up that one single coffee he had drank in the morning. He gasped as he reminded himself of the wet kiss, the warm hold on his neck and the weight which he had felt over his stomach.

It was too much. But just as overwhelming as it felt, it was also confusing. He wasn't like this with Yujun, so why was he so irked off now? He hated his body. He hated himself for being like this. Was this his punishment for not having been strong enough to face his desires in the past? Or was it because he hated and despised the man that had tortured him day and night for the sake of satisfaction?

Was he supposed to forgive him for messing him up? Is that the salvation those gods he'd hear in books about would speak of?

If that were the case, then he thought he'd rather suffer an eternity in agony than to fall prey to the likes of those who control others for their own sake.

But standing straight against all of that wasn't of any help to his problem now. He was just weak and fragile, not knowing what anything really meant. Knowing some, they wouldn't continue, but knowing himself, he decided he wanted to be contradicting enough to annoy those around him. 

His way of revenge was just invisible, but that did not change how he felt inside his heart, gut and mind. But he didn't need other people's awareness, nor did he need their recognition. Life had always been this empty anyways, not that it really mattered to make it fuller. 

And that is only because he knew that everything causes disappointments. And after what had happened just now, it was almost the same outcome he had expected. The downfall of the situation just only before the start. 

Yet the suffocation he felt at the reminder was too much to handle every single time, his table back home becoming fuller with ashes, wrappers and tobacco trails all around. He hated the sight and the need to calm his senses through an addiction, as much as he also hated being unable to resist it. 

That was how he had ended up back in the mountains in that old mansion some time after the incident, now sitting in one of its rooms covered by dust. The dirt wasn't what really bothered him, but the very image of his therapist staring into his soul almost. He disliked her, but didn't mind her either. Her presence and gaze was what really made him let the words he had been holding in out. 

"How have you been doing?" 

Aside from trying to avoid Jungkook at all times, he wasn't too bad. It was just the unsettling feeling he couldn't get rid of every time he'd meet his eyes. 

It had already been two weeks since that awful day at the studio, and as a mandatory act, they had to both attend a meeting for the publication of his album only recently. And since Jimin was a part of it, he had to have a congratulatory face on in order to let the higher ups be at ease.