🎼
How could we know
That there wouldn't be tomorrow?
No birds will sing
But the bells will ring for you
So far to go
But you've already reached the light
Your new beginning
Chapters are written out for you
Down here they're hurting
From a broken heart
Trying to figure out
How this is real
'Cause they're never coming back down
They belong to the stars in the clouds
Goodbyes, good times
L-O-V-E was all for you
If you didn't say your goodbyes
Don't worry, love will bear it through
'Cause they're never coming back down
They belong to the stars in the clouds
🎼
If you are as old as I am or older, you will recall a time there was TV 1, 2 and 3, which at some point became CCV. Anyway, before I start telling you about Mopheme and Force Zulu, the point I am making is that, once upon a time, television programming would end after 9 pm. The screen would show a colourful clock with an irritating buzzing sound. That is exactly how my mind and ears are buzzing right now. The reality of Kgadi's death is hitting all of us who were close to her, like Dominoes and just like Dominoes, we are bound to take it out on the next person. Take each other down as we fall while stepping on each other's toes.
As much as I thought Khaya would be the one to comfort me, I find my friend Angela taking up this role. She is the one person who is here for my emotional and spiritual well-being. There is too much noise around this painful occurrence. There are a lot of people dealing with regret and lashing out. If I hear another person ask me what happened, I swear I will slit open their throat, and maybe they will get to the other side and ask Kgadi in person. I also need answers, dammit.
It doesn't help that security at her complex always saw my car drive in and out with her. Even when I arrived that fateful morning, the one security guy asked me, "Why were you not with your sister this particular weekend?" Eeerrr... maybe because I was not meant to be there? Perhaps because she shut me out to find her peace? There are definitely a lot of maybes left unanswered. That whole week, I listened to our favourite sing along songs in my car. That entire week, I smoked Craven A and drank Amstel just to feel closer to her. Thank God the autopsy ruled out suicide, but that report came after a lot of speculations and lots of accusations.
Just like at any darkie's funeral arrangement process, egos were bruised and inflated. Hard decisions had to be made. People with no financial contribution had the biggest plans and demands. Words transformed into a sword and stung like a bee, and I held it all together (wuuusaa) because my role required me to. What drained my soul daily was the pain and sorrow I felt around me. Angela could feel this too, and knowing that I would not be able to protect my vulnerability, she took it upon herself to hold that space for me.
As Kgadi's spiritual family, we mourned and celebrated her life for three whole months with a cleansing ceremony scheduled for the end of the last month, and time dragged on as much as it flew by fast. I had no time or energy for either Khaya or Phenyo. They gave me my space and kept their distance. See, these two are quite similar, and for the first time, I saw their struggles too. The struggles men hide while showing off the 'I am a Man' façade, but theirs was neither my circus nor my monkey, and they had to carry on without my presence.
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