It's Hard To Be Holy

EP. 81: Chapter VII - Danny McKeen's Diaries

Coarse, Offensive, and Racist Language. Reader Discretion Advised.

09/19/75

—Other Bob says I stiffed him when I did not!!! I have been paying him with Ma's gov check which he has been taking!!! But no he says I stiffed him and he will not sell to me no more until I pay up!

PRICK!!

Threatened to beat me good if I did not pay him soon. $200!!! I do not know where I am gonna get that. I cannot wait until next check and Ma is already getting nosy and asking about how I am paying the pills. She says she wants to start doing it and I says whatever but she never does. But I think she is getting suspicious. I think she knows and I gotta not use her checks again.

But how the fuck am I gonna pay Other Bob?!

Maybe I should really think about stopping!

I am just starting to heel and now Other Bob is gonna whoop me bad. I have seen him do it before. He can whoop bad!

FUCK!!!!

DM

09/21/75
—Ma saw St. Greg's on the news and she was all excited because she recognized people. I am not doing good without stuff but I am think that I can just hold on one more hour it is gonna pass and that is helping! Last couple of days that is how I have been getting through it. Just gotta get through one more hour! One more hour! But I am itchy all over. Been like this all day. I cannot think about scratching because then I scratch and it hurts. I gotta think about happy things. No big picture. No scratching. One more hour!!!

DM

09/22/75
—Had big fight with Ma and it sent me over the edge. She was saying things like I was being lazy and shit which is not fair!! She does not do nothing but sit and watch soaps all day. She does not cook. I do! She does not go out shopping. I do! She does not look for work. I do! But then she says I am a disappointment. And she says more mean things and then when I says to her to sop she just gets meaner. So I calls her a bitch. And she cries and calls me a liar. And I know what she is talking about. I says 'Ma! I aint lied!!!'

And she just starts screaming over and over again. 'LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!'

So I locked myself in the bathroom so she could not use it and it got bad in there alone because I could not stop scratching until my arm got bloody. When she calls me a liar it brings it all back and I hate that. I do not want to be thinking about none of that stuff because it is all over.
But I was thinking about it and I needed to stop!! I gotta think about moments. Not big picture. One more hour!! Happy thoughts. But I cannot think of none.

DM

09/23/75
—Feel better. Did not sleep good at all last night. First thing then this morning while Ma was still out in front of the TV I went and got the emergency supply she likes to keep in the can from the top shelf. She thinks I do not know. But I know.

I am usually so good because I know not to dip into the savings ever unless it is an emergency and today was an emergency!!

Had just enough left to pay off Other Bob and get what I need. I need to make sure I do not use it all. The emergency supply is a lot lower than I thought. If Ma could reach the top shelf she would know for sure. I gotta be smart. But I feel better and I am gonna take some more before bed to help with the sleep tonight. Usually before bed is good. That would make it twice today taking my stuff which is sometimes too much but I really need it. I am gonna do it.