It's Hard To Be Holy

EP. 101: Chapter IV (Cont'd) - Danny McKeen's Diaries

Coarse and Offensive Language. Reader Discretion Advised.

01/03/76
—Not sleeping good at all. Stuff is not helping. I tried more. Running out of money. But I cannot sleep. When I do, the dreams are bad. My head will not stop hurting. Snowing today. Too cold to do anything so I watched TV with Ma and made dinner. She is the only person who will not talk about Father Peter.

I wish she would.

I wish we could talk about it without her getting all upset.

I thought things would change. I thought I would feel better. I thought everyone would be happy. I thought if you have the cure you get results. Not overnight but steadily improving. But it is like a game to people. They do not care about why I did. They just want to know who I am. I dunno if that makes sense. Don't they want to know why? Why do they not just ask? Why don't they pay attention? I am trying to help! Should I say something? Maybe if I admit it then I can say why I did it and people will know!

But I am scared. I cannot sleep. I do not know what I need. I just want it to be better.

DM

01/04/76
—Ma fell yesterday and broke her leg. I do not know what happened. I heard her scream from the bathroom and then this loud crash. When I went in it was pretty bad and I felt real sick seeing her like that because her leg looked all fucked up.

It is a good thing I was not out of it or not home or something because I do not know what would have happened if she had been just on her own. I tried to help as best I could and get her out of the tub without hurting her too bad. She had been drinking. I could smell it. Sometimes she thinks showering helps wake her up. It does not but she thinks it. I have asked her hundreds of times not to shower when she is wobbly. But she does not listen!

At least she was still mostly dressed. The water was on but she still had her underwear on. I do not think I could have managed if she was not dressed. I have seen that before and do not want to again.

It was not easy getting her out of the tub with her leg snapped up and me shaking and her screaming. I do not blame her none for screaming this time. Broken bones suck. I have had them and seen them. But this was the worst I ever dealt with. The bottom half was completely twisted backwards. I tried not to look at it but it was hard not to see and harder to move her because of it.

I laid her out on the floor and called an ambulance to come and we did get her to the hospital. They are keeping her a couple days. They put the leg back in place. It is slung up and bandaged. She is more calm when I left, but now pissed at me for leaving her there. She started yelling at me good about abandoning her, but the nurse was nice and they gave her pills so she zonked out pretty good.

I know she has to stay but she looked so scared. I do not like it when she looks at me that way. I felt so guilty like I was doing her bad. I even actually went and found the Doc and did ask him since it was just her let, maybe she could come home. He got all grumpy about that like I was not supposed to be the one asking the questions. So he does not answer me, but starts asking me things like I am the bad guy. Mostly about her drinking.

I did not tell him the truth. I do not snitch! I am not going to out my Ma to some snooty Doc. I am not going to have him make me feel bad. I take care of Ma! It is only me who does it! I know how to do it! I am so tired of people talking to me like I am stupid!! I am not stupid!!!!

So I walked away before I could hit him.

I guess Ma was right. She taught me from an early age never to trust the Docs. She was so scared when the ambulance showed up and they brought that bed up the stairs and strapped her in. She begged the people with the ambulance to just fix her leg there but they says she has to go.
I swear if that Doc is mean to her, or talks down to her, or gets in her head, I will hit him. I do not care how many stupid pieces of paper says he is smart. I will hit him so fucking good that I will make him dumb!!