It's Hard To Be Holy

EP. 90: PART IV: RONDO: SPRING-SUMMER 1976/ 'A NIGHT AT OHANNES' '

Coarse and Offensive Language. Reader Discretion Advised.

'Ohannes!' came BB's drunkenly gratuitous shout over the continued, talentless, lonely piano plucking of Alan Carr. The post-New Year celebrations had settled down, and once more, St. Gregory's watering hole was quiet.

'What?' complained Ohannes, forcing himself to look away from the television set that was mounted on a rickety, wooden stand above the bar. Tonight was the insoluble bartender's favorite night of the week. Tonight was 'Kojak Night', and if there had not been bills in need of paying, Ohannes would have gladly shuttered his establishment to enjoy the glory that was Telly Savalas without interruption.

'I gotta question,' said BB, tracing his finger around the rim of his glass. 'If your gonna kill a priest...who'd ya be?'

This, along with other variations, had been the question on every St. Gregorite's lip for the past several weeks. The murder of Father Peter had been so thoroughly dissected and discussed by the community throughout the Christmas season that the people had started to bore of the topic.

But not BB.

BB had an unhealthy fascination with the priest's murder, and he could not, for the life of him, fathom why anyone would not be captivated with such a gory mystery.

'I would be me,' said Ohannes in his wise sort of way, 'but I would not be killing no priest. No, no! This is being very dumb. No! You are tempting too much of the fate. Kill a man? Okay, not so good, but...kill of a man of God? Phht! You is now asking for to have the trouble!'

'Sure,' said BB, 'I think we all can agree that shootin' a priest is a bad idea. But! The question isn't was it a good idea. The question is: 'WHO' had the bright idea to do it?'

'Ack, BB, fuckin' drop it, would ya?' moaned Colin, raising his tired, shaggy head from the bar to glare down his friend as Alan's fingers collided with several wrong notes at the same time. A BB dwelling on things was a bad BB to have around. Anyone dwelling upon the subject of Father Peter's murder was dangerous for that matter. The excitement that had been generated at the discovery of the priest's corpse was to be expected, but Alan was in full agreement with his grandfather that it was high time to let the subject die.

If only, he thought, there would be more riots. What he wouldn't have given for another bus stoning...

'I can't drop it! I mean...it's all so...so...ooo, it's all so crazy! I mean, not just the act, but the act of the act. I mean, why shoot him a bunch of times? One bullet to the head—that'll do it! See now I think whoever it is must be a real shit shot, or they didn't have the first fuckin' clue how to kill a man up close. It's not that difficult—'

'Yes, yes,' said Ohannes. 'Very good point making. But now, no more. Please! I am watching Kojak. So...Sus!' He pressed a finger to his nicotine stained lips and turned back to the TV.
Truly, if there was one thing above all that Ohannes enjoyed about his new life in America, it was the consumption of TV. 'Telly-vision is being the greatest of invention,' he was often heard to proclaim to anyone who could understand him. 'Following by, of course, the toil-et. God love the toil-et and the telly-vision!' To ingratiate yourself in American culture, a lot of careful study and observation is needed, and even then, there is no guarantee that you will ever truly grasp it. Yet, if you want to be an American, all you need is a religious devotion to the Networks. It was a point of pride for Ohannes that he never needed an education in English. Not like his friends, who all groveled and struggled under the weight of textbooks and bespectacled professors. English is not really a language that can be learned through education. All you need is a small box, a penchant for wasteful time consumption, and a love for all things Gidget...or Maryanne...Agent 99 helps...so does Mary Tyler Moore...and Lucy (never Desi)...and your English will blossom, and you will find yourself a bonafide American, with American sensibilities that no matter what, no matter the trial, will always have a happy ending. Ohannes particularly liked happy endings.