It's Hard To Be Holy

EP. 102: Chapter IV (Cont'd)

Coarse and Offensive Language. Reader Discretion Advised.

[DANNY MCKEEN'S DIARIES CONT'D]

01/15/76
—Bobby stopped by. Have not seen him in ages. Looked back through here and seems like it was only before Thanksgiving. He looks good, dressed good too and Bobby never did know how to dress good but now I guess he does. He says hi to Ma who was happy to see him and then we got out of there. I was worried about leaving Ma but she promised not to do anything stupid like walking without her crutch.

We went to the bar but we did not stay long. Bobby told me to wait by the door and then he went over and was talking a bit with the foreigner. They was speaking real low and everything and then the foreigner gave him a thick envelope. I think it was like you see in the movies. Like money. I asked Bobby but he told me not to worry about it. Then I says if we was going to drink there? And Bobby laughed at me and says 'not in this dump.' So he took me out which was fun and went to this Chinese place over near the Garden. We got to talking which was also nice and he told me he has been busy working. And then we talked about random shit and I thought it was odd because as we was talking I did not really know what to say after a certain point and he did not seem like he did neither.

But then he brought up the priest and I was not too thrilled about that because I thought I would say something stupid even though I knew I would not. But it is like this. I have not been around people outside of Ma and docs for awhile, and Mr. Malone's visit was in my head too so I was nervous about not fucking up or anything. But Bobby says 'fucking wild isn't it?' Then he asks me 'who do you think did it?'

I did not say nothing. I did good. Nothing Mr. Malone is going to kill me over. But then Bobby says to me 'Fuck! Could not have happened to a better guy, right?' And I think he was being funny about it. So I laughed and said yeah and then we did not talk about it none the rest of the night.

After dinner Bobby took me to a club. Disco. I said I did not want to go but he said I had to get out a bit. Meet people was what he said. I thought he was talking about girls. I would like to meet girls. Some nice girls. Girls that do not call me stupid or look at me weird. But it was not girls. It was these other guys who showed up and I recognized one of them from the busing rally. The one I did not like. But we hung out out with them for awhile. Then they was going to a club in the North End they said after the disco we was at. Bobby said I should come along but the guys were saying I was not dressed good enough which pissed me off because they was dressed like those niggers you see on TV that do not match good. Bobby said I should come along anyways because he now wants me to meet girls. Why couldn't we meet girls before? It is always what Bobby wants when Bobby wants it. Always has been. It pisses me off. I did not go then because I was annoyed. I guess it was nice to see Bobby and everything but I hate those other guys. And Bobby is different. He is like what Ma says about stuck up people. He has airs now. It is not the Bobby I know good. The last few months something has changed and he has become annoying. Like always talking down to me. Everyone talks down to me. I would really like to meet a girl who is nice and does not talk down to me and listens good and goes places with me.
Anyways I am home now. Ma is fine. She did not die which she was very proud of saying. Like I worry too much or something. She is pissing me off. Everyone is pissing me off. I just want to be left alone.

DM

01/15/76 —Later
—Cannot sleep. Ma fell asleep and has the TV up way too loud but when I went out to turn it off she woke up and yelled at me.

Took my stuff and waiting for it to kick in. Did not feel like I needed it but then I thought fuck it. Why not? So I took it. Maybe that is a sign that I am growing out of it. First Bobby. Now my stuff.