It's Hard To Be Holy

EP. 100: Chapter IV - Danny McKeen's Diaries

Coarse and Offensive Language. Reader Discretion Advised.

[The following sections have been edited for only spelling clarity.]

[DANNY MCKEEN'S DIARIES]

12/27/75
—It was Christmas. Everything is Christmas still. Not really though. It is a bad Christmas. My fault. Everybody acting all strange past couple of days since it happened. There has been police everywhere and camera people too. I think there is more now than there was when we was protesting. But no one is thinking about protesting anymore because everybody is worried about what happened with Father Peter.

Since it happened, I have been sleeping better. I do not think nothing about it after I did it. Most of the time for the last couple of days I do really good not thinking about it. Is that bad? I feel good. Like I can breath again. Everybody, even though they is all pretending to be shocked and scared, I do not think are really that much bothered.

Except Ma. She found out because Mrs. Fitz and Mrs. Donavan told her. I wish they had not done that. It is not their fault I guess because Ma was gonna find out somehow. But even talking about Father Peter before was no good with Ma because she always goes back to blaming me and calling me a liar. Bad memories. She has not yet been mean but I know she is thinking it.

Maybe I should feel bad? But I think I did the right thing. I really really do. I am trying hard to feel guilty. I should find a priest and ask for forgiveness, but I do not think to because how can I ask forgiveness if I do not feel bad? I had to do it. I did not want to do it. He forced me. They all forced me. But now they will see why!

I think I did good even though it was bad.

DM

12/28/75
—Mr. Malone comes to say hi yesterday. He never once says hi ever so I was a bit weird when I answered the door. I thought he was here for Ma, but he says he wants to talk to me.

It was awkward when we got into the kitchen because Ma was sleeping on the couch. I do not like people seeing her like that. She gets so angry, but she did not wake up and Mr. Malone did not seem to mind.

I asked him if he wanted a drink. He did not and then he says to me, 'Dan,how are you?' I says to him that I was good and that was actually true because I was fine and I had my stuff but I had not felt like I needed to use it because since it all happened I am better.

He then goes, 'you hear about the priest?'

I says I did.

'Shame, killing a priest like that. But you know I think sometimes when people kill and all, sometimes they have a reason. Don't you think that, Dan?'

I did not say anything to that exactly because yeah I agree, but I am not stupid and right then I knew why he was here. I just do not get how he clued in? 'You know?'

'Yeah,' he says. 'I know.'

'How?'

'Does not matter, Dan. I do, and I know why.'

And I was happy somebody knows. I am not really worried about people knowing what I have done because I have done it for the right reasons. I am sure of that. But he was looking at me like Mrs. Jackson used to do in school and I felt kind of worried that he was mad. And he says, 'we got a bit of a problem here, Dan.'

And then I knew why he was here because he wanted something, but I says, 'Mr. Malone I do not got nothing. You cannot blackmail me.'

But he laughed and goes, 'I do not want anything Dan. I am not here to squeeze you.'