Desperate Measures

Low

A few weeks later... (TW: Drug Usage)

After a few weeks of healing up from the brain surgery and getting some treatments I was finally being discharged. Amanda was helping me pack up my few things I had here like my laptop and all that. So far we've been doing okay since then but I'm still on the fence about having a kid. Don't get me started on this grief journey though, it fucking sucks. "Hey can you pass me the laptop charger please Amanda?" I said looking over at her as she passed it to me as I smiled a fake smile as I wasn't doing great mentally. "Thanks." I felt her hand on my shoulder as I took a deep breath and looked over at her. "Are you doing okay Josh mentally I mean?" I looked away sighing and shaking my head. "You want the honest truth? No I'm not okay mentally speaking...to where I want to fucking do something that I haven't done for ages but I can't slip up due to my mother needing me and you needing me. So yeah that's the honest truth Amanda." I said getting up and grabbing my duffle bag and walking out of the room as I flinched a bit as the strap hit my port line which hurt like a bitch. 

I started walking to the elevator as I was no longer having dizzy spells which was fucking great but the hallucinations are still there which oh my god I wish they weren't. "Oh you wish I wasn't here? Asshat." I sighed rolling my eyes getting onto the elevator by myself leaning against the back of the elevator. "Uh yeah you're making my life a living hell." I pressed the button for the main lobby as I felt myself pull the stop button which I didn't want to do. "What the fuck are you doing?! You can control me?" It appeared infront of me pushing me up against the wall. "Why not just leave everyone behind and go find Enaia and just be as crazy as possible? I mean not like anyone would notice." I pushed him off of me shaking my head. "I can't break my sobriety of heroin because of my father. Both him and mom got me off of it by forcing me into rehab you know this. And people would notice if I suddenly disappeared." I sighed pushing the stop button resuming the elevator ride. But why am I very tempted to do that? "Fine be a lame ass guy suffering from depression that he's forcing himself to be happy to make sure that your friends and families don't clue in." I just rolled my eyes stepping off the elevator seeing Matt talking on his phone in the lobby.

"Hey I gotta go Nicole okay? Love you. Hey man looks like your hair is growing back." I shrugged smiling a small smile. "Yeah slowly. How's Nicole?" He smiled as we walked out to his car. "She's doing good just working on this music video I dunno. But how are you really doing?" I sighed placing my bag in the back of the car as I'm just getting tired of people asking how I am doing. "I'm fine." I said in a kinda pissed off tone closing the trunk to the car pretty hard. "You can tell me anything you know I won't judge. I can tell something is on your mind as I haven't seen you like this since highschool." I sighed shaking my head getting into the passenger seat not wanting to tell him that I really want to just break my sobritety and relaspe on heroin again. "Josh I promise I wont tell anyone. You know I wouldn't tell anyone your secrets." I rolled my eyes looking at him with a serious look considering to tell him what's on my mind. But I tried to tell him but nothing came out. "I...just drop it please." I said leaning my head against the window as Amanda was gonna meet me at my place so we could talk some more but I really just wanted to get high and I don't really care what anyone has to say anymore. 

-

A while later

Once Matt dropped me off he followed me inside probably just to see if I needed anything. "Thanks but I can take it from here Matt. I'm not sick or dizzy or weak as fuck anymore okay?" I said tossing my bag onto the couch of my apartment and walking over to the kitchen to grab a bottle of whatever is in my fridge as I just didn't give a fuck about drinking. "Josh I'm just worried about you, ever since your dad passed I just see you slipping back into your old ways again and I get it you're tired of people hovering but, I can't let you suffer alone with your grief." I leaned up against the counter looking down trying to compose myself. "I'm trying really hard to not snap at you...as I am so fucking tired of people asking me, 'are you okay?' or  'I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing.' and I just can't take it anymore! I am not okay Matt is that what you're wanting me to say? I've been stuffing my feelings in that stupid fucking hospital for the past month and fuck I just want to fucking relaspe on that shit again." I said pulling myself from the counter pacing around thinking.