Desperate Measures

I'm Not Getting Better

A few months later

I was just chilling in my studio working on a new track that I got the idea for last night while Matt was out of town spending time with his sister in Cali. It's weird not having Matt around but ever since we got back from that summer show he has been kinda holding back on a lot lately, maybe cause I broke down in his arms after the show? Or cause there's drama with Mike and I since he's dating my ex. Ever since we got back I've hardly spoken to him about it but he keeps wanting to speak to me about it but I just walk away.

At least my treatments have finally ended for the trial now it's just the waiting game for the next few months to see if new tumours pop up or it keeps it away. I do hope it keeps it at bay for the rest of my shitty life. While I was working on this song I got a call on my phone from Derek's cell. Oh god did I forget about a scan or something? I sighed picking up the phone leaning back in the chair. "Hey what did I forget this time? A scan or another dose?" He laughed a little bit on his end which probably means yeah I did forget. "Yeah you did forget about another dose of the trial drug." Shit so it wasn't the last one a month ago? Fuck cause Matt isn't here to drive me back from the place. "This is bad timing cause Matt is out of town...but I'll drive up but thanks for that." He just laughed again as I'm still confused as to why he's laughing at me.

"Josh it's not till next week I was just calling to remind you about it. Cause I know you've been busy with summer shows so I just thought to call and remind you about it." Oh thank god it's next week cause then Matt would be back. "Ooooh okay you should've lead with that man. I'll see you next week then and thanks for reminding me." I said hanging up as I leaned back in the desk chair looking at the lyrics I've been working on for this new song. I may call it pop101 or something like that. I reached over to grab my phone to text the guys as I saw someone I thought I would never see again sitting down next to me.

"You're back..." I said with a disappointed tone looking up at my hallucination as this only means one thing, it came back. He nodded placing his hand on my hand that was grabbing the phone as he nodded at my thought. "So it's back...of course when I'm finally okay again." I sighed grabbing my phone and hovering over Matt's contact as I'm considering phoning him up to tell him. "Josh, it's up to you if you want to keep fighting this or if you just want to stop trying as clearly this trial cure drug didn't work. Also don't freak Matt out when he's not even home. Just maybe call Derek back okay?" He's right, I have to figure out on my own if I want to fight this stupid shit or if I'm just tired of fighting...honestly I have no clue if I'm done or not.

I got up from the chair sitting down on the stupid ass brown couch phoning Derek's number back up as I leaned back on the couch putting him on speaker. "Hey is everything okay?" I sighed shaking my head and bringing my knees up to my chest shaking my head. "No it's not...Derek it's back the hallucination and I don't know if I'm tired of fighting this stupid disease or if I want to keep fighting." I said while on the verge of tears as I just buried my face into my legs trying to not cry till at least he hangs up. "Are you able to drive up to Seattle now? Cause I can squeeze you in for a CT and we can figure out a plan. Also if you don't want to fight this anymore I'll support you either way Josh, you remember that I promised you that right?" Yeah he did promise me back when we first met that if I ever wanted to stop, he would still support my choice either way. "Yeah I can drive up to Seattle it's not a problem but let me think about this please...I just need to think of the consequences of either continuing with the treatments or just giving up as I'm just so fucking tired of doing this every few months. But I'll see you in a bit bye." I said hanging up the phone as I stood up from the couch instead of breaking into tears over this.

"Look I know you probably didn't want to see me again but what are you thinking of doing about this?" He said while he walked over beside me as I looked over at him as I have no idea what to do about this. "I um...don't know what to do. I don't want to leave Matt or my mother even..." I said as I felt his hand on my shoulder as I felt some tears slowly falling down my cheeks. "They will understand if you decide to give up, but I know this is a painful choice to make, just don't do it because they want you to live. Make the choice for yourself, if you're too tired to keep fighting or if you want to beat this again." He's right about every part of it. I just nodded falling to my knees in tears just not being able to clear my mind enough to stop it. That's when the door opened and it was Mike standing in front of me.