Desperate Measures

Feeling Small

During the night...

I opened my eyes and I was back in that damn car again as I saw Carolina twirling a gun in her hands smirking at me. "What the fuck happened?" I said with a tired voice as she still kept smirking. "You don't need to know." I sat up a little bit as she was still twirling the gun. "I felt a pinch in my neck back at the hotel so clearly I need to know. What did you do to me?!" I said cupping her face in tears. "I was fine before you came back into my life as you left me for dead back in highschool! Now I'm a fucking mess again cause I came back into your life. So get the hell out of my life!" That's when I felt the gun on my side and the shot went off as I blacked out

-

I snapped awake sitting up in a panic as I checked my side and it was fine. "It's okay...its just a nightmare..." I said to myself as Matt came running into my room. "You okay? I could hear you from down the hall." I nodded wrapping my arms around myself. "Y-Yeah its just a nightmare I'm okay." He sat down on the bed wrapping his arm around me. "Did you want to talk about it?" I nodded as I looked at Matt. 

"It was um about when she shot me...and about stuff I should've said to her but didn't. God I don't even know where she is or if she's even alive anymore." I said as I looked down at the floor as I felt Matt rubbing my back. "About her um...they never caught her but their still looking for her either alive or dead. So she's still out there Josh." He said as I got up pacing around the room terrified. "M-Matt what if she finds me?" I said as he got up holding me by my shoulders. "Josh slow down. If she finds you I wont let her hurt you I promise. I will protect you from her if she god forbids she comes to find you." I shook my head pulling away as I kept pacing as this just started to make me worry like crazy. 

"I-I c-can't fucking loose you Matt if she hurts you! I just got you into my life after years of having feelings for you. Please don't promise that you'll protect me love. Cause yeah I do deserve it for how much I stole from her." I said as he just gave me this confused look. "What did you do to her back in high school before we met?" I sighed sitting down on the bed looking up at him. "I was um in this druggie music group and we were also the bullies of the school. Most of the time I just hid behind as that wasn't my thing and I was shy back then. But I told her brother and I was high on shrooms and weed that day by the way so I wasn't in my clearest of minds, I told him that he was a waste of space and that no one loved him and that he should go you know. And he did that night we all heard about it the next morning when we walked into band practice." I looked away wiping a tear as that day still haunts me like crazy. 

"Then she started dating me slowly after that and then the night I was left for dead, she um mixed a shot of heroin and meth together and I didn't know. I think I did two or three of those and some blunts of those as well and I remember feeling like shit and then I remember her punching me over and over and something sharp and then nothing. That's when you found me in the middle of the street outside my house and yeah." I sighed looking at Matt as he sat next to me. "Josh you weren't in your right mind set at that time before I met you. I could tell by seeing you in the music class without the kids. And you didn't mean it right?" I shook my head as he let me rest my head on his shoulder. "You didn't mean to hurt her brother and she took it out on you twice. And fuck you didn't know that he would commit that night." I sat up looking away as I still just blamed myself for it. 

"But it's my fault both times. It's my fault that I told her brother that shit and it's my fault for taking the drugs both times." I got up from the bed putting on some sweatpants and a hoodie as I grabbed my keys from the kitchen. "I'll be back in a few Matt...I just gotta work on some music. I know it's like 3 in the morning but this is what I do when I can't sleep." He ran over to me pulling  me into a kiss as it felt good and started to calm my anxiety down. "Did you want some company or did you need to be alone for now?" He smiled pulling away as I sat down tying up my converse laces. "Um I'm okay for now I just um need some time to process with me and my hallucincation. I'm sorry it hasn't gone away since it showed up and I haven't really been honest about that with you. Plus I don't mind it for now, it gives me someone to talk to. I'm probably sounding crazy and that is my sign to leave." I said kissing his cheek and walking out the door and down the steps to the parking lot.