Silent : Unveiling the Turmoil of a Teenage Heart

CHAPTER 13

SAM

I wish I could mute people. In fact, I would love to mute Lily and Soori right now. They've  been talking about Elijah since we entered the cafe. Elijah this, Elijah that. Soori and Elijah confirmed an official relationship this afternoon. Soori is head over heels and Lily is more excited than she should be. Noah leans to me. "I don't know what has gotten into them, but I know for a fact Elijah really isn't this awesome." He says, loud enough for only me to hear it. "I know dude, no one likes him."

"He took me to the beach and asked if I wanted to be exclusive with him." Soori said with a giant smile on her face. "Really? How'd you respond?" Lily asks, her eyes sparkling out of happiness for her best friend. Soori explains how the day went, but I barely listened.

All I could focus on were Lily's sparkling eyes. And that soft pink hair, it really suits her sweet personality. Lily reminds me of a piece of candy. She's bright, sweet and irresistible. I could look at Lily for hours. I sound like a creep saying that, but it's true. I think Lily is very pretty. I wish she talked about me the way Soori talks about Elijah.

Lily would never like a guy like me, we're opposites. She's social, I'm not. She's always happy, I'm usually grumpy. She talks a lot, I don't say more than a hundred words a day. Lily would like a funny guy, a social and talkative guy. A guy who isn't scared to tell her how nice she is, how pretty she is, how cool she is. That's why I don't tell her. It's scary. Girls are scary.

But I don't know what it is. Do I like her romantically or do I just prefer her a bit more than my other friends? How does it feel to like someone?Do you actually feel butterflies or do you just feel nervous? Because every time I'm around Lily, I feel a little nervous. Lily always knows how to have a long, serious talk with me. Even if I don't answer her questions in detail, she still keeps talking, making me feel like she's actually interested.  

Lily's face lights up every time Soori tells her about how Elijah touched her, kissed her and talked to her. And by lighting up, I mean that she smiles with her teeth, her eyes sparkle, she tilts her head a little bit and she raises her eyebrows. That's Lily's face when she's happy about something.

"I'm so happy for you, Soo! You've been single since seventh grade." Lily laughed. "I know, it's been three years. But I didn't mind being single." Soori tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.

"I hope he starts acting right." Noah mutters under his breath. "What'd you say?" Soori asks, turning to him. "Nothing."

I think Noah doesn't really like Elijah. And I don't blame him, because Elijah is such a jerk. I've never seen Elijah hang out with only guys. Always girls. It's like he can't live without girls. His whole life revolves around girls.

A waiter comes up to our table. "Here again, huh?" She says with a smile on her face. "Yeah, we like it here." Noah responds. "That's good. Could I get you guys a drink?" We all order our favorite drinks.

We have a little conversation about school, work, relationships and many more boring stuff. As we were talking, I made a joke. Noah grabbed my arm in response. He meant it in a playful way, but a memory flashed before my eyes.

"Please, leave me alone." I say, tears streaming from my eyes as the small group of seniors circle around me. "Nah, man. Your brother really fucked us up. He ran away, so now you'll pay for it." One of the seniors said. He was tall, big, strong and a lot more powerful than me. "You're a pretty boy, you know that? " Another senior pushes me against the wall, his arms caging me. The group of boys come closer. And closer. And closer. One of the seniors's hand slides down my body, stopping at my crotch. "Please, I don't want this." I sob. "Ahw, are you crying? Don't cry, pretty boy. This will feel really good, trust me." His hand reaches for my belt. Why me?

"Hey man, you okay?" Noah snaps me out of my thoughts. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry." I say, snapping back to reality. "Did I squeeze you too hard?" Noah asks, softly placing his hand on the spot where he grabbed me earlier. "No, it's just...Never mind." I rub my face with my hands, still a little confused. "You sure?" He takes his hand off of me. I nod in response.

Why does this keep happening? Everything keeps coming back to me? I just want the stupid memory to leave me alone. I was a helpless, young boy. I was only thirteen. I was short and thin. I didn't have any strength. My brother found out about the incident a few days after it happened. He made another stupid decision by beating the seniors up. He only got himself into more trouble.

My brother moved away. He decided that California wasn't the place for him, he didn't belong here. He also caused way too much trouble here. So, he moved back to China. We used to live there, but we moved to California when I turned three. My parents found it really important that me and my brother got successful. So, they also wanted us to be able to speak English. I wasn't in school yet, but my brother was. His school did teach English, but our parents felt that his teacher could not speak English well enough. So, we moved to the U.S. They wanted to go to England first, but they figured they liked the U.S. better.

My parents were obviously disappointed in my brother. They took him all the way here only for him to move back. But as I said, California isn't his place. He felt like he belonged in China. And even if our parents want us to be just like them, my brother always taught me to follow my heart. Even if my brother has made a lot of mistakes, I do trust his words more than my parents'. I don't want to become a doctor like my father, or a lawyer like my mother. 

I want to be a writer. Not a writer that makes up fairy tails about a princess who gets saved by a strong knight, but a writer who tells actual stories. I want to change people's lives and make them feel good about themselves. I want people to understand that struggling with yourself doesn't make you less, it just makes you more human.

That is why I follow my brother's advice. That's where my heart would want me to go. But my mind is telling me I can't. You can't disappoint them. You're the only son left.