Silent : Unveiling the Turmoil of a Teenage Heart

CHAPTER 20

SAM

I wish I could delete people in real life. Like right now, I would love to delete both my parents. It's  Saturday morning. I was just eating breakfast and my parents felt the need confront me about my grades. They're all good, but too low for my Chinese parents.

"With these grades you can't become a doctor, Samuel." My father exclaims. "You can't become a lawyer with this either. Just watch, you'll end up like your brother." Mother adds. "I'm close to straight A's. My grades are fine." I've lost my appetite. I shove my plate away from me. "Who told you that? Because it most definitely wasn't us." Mother clamored. My parents keep belittling me.

I'm so fucking done with this. Can someone appreciate me for once? I've been trying so fucking hard to make my parents proud and they always come up with something negative about me. I can't do this. Why isn't my brother here? I could always talk to him about our parents. We could talk about everything that annoyed us, we could talk about our dreams and about our wishes. The best thing about that was that he understood. Nobody else understood me the way Rafe did.

"I don't want to become a fucking doctor!" I blurt out. My parents look at me with shock. "Or a lawyer. I want to do my own thing. Why don't you guys ever believe in me?" I exclaim. "Sam..." My dad murmured. "That's why Rafe left. You guys never believed in him either. He wanted to be officer. The first thing you told him was 'Officer? Boring. Why not detective? Much more interesting.' Do you actually think he'll be happy with that response?" I argued. "We just want the best for you guys." Mother admitted. "You're not making us very happy with this. All Rafe and  I ever wanted was you two to believe in us. You never do! All you two ever do is belittling us!" I exposed all my feelings. Arguing with my parents is not a good choice, but I'm done with letting my parents walk all over me.

"That's not true, Samuel!" Father denied. "It is, admit it!" I shouted. The silence is loud. I angrily stare at my father, my father looks at me with disappointment and my mother is proper sobbing.  My father relaxes and backs away. I walk away from my parents. I go upstairs to my room.

I feel relieved. I needed that out. I sit down on my bed and rest my head in my palms. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what did I do? My parents probably won't talk to me for the rest of the week, they'll talk about my bad behavior to all my aunts and uncles and the whole family will think of me as a disappointment. First my brother, now me. Am I following after him after all?

I grab my MacBook from my desk and open it. I quickly type in my password. I click on FaceTime.

Rafe Liu.

I click on the contact. I hesitate before I click on the 'call' button. Should I? What if he doesn't have time? What if he forgot about me? It's been three years...

I click on the call button. I feel my hands shaking, I'm starting to sweat and my head starts pounding. I have never been so nervous in my entire life.

A face appears on my laptop screen. "Sam?" The first thing Rafe says is my name. "Hey, Rafe." I say. "How have you been?" Rafe sets his phone down and sits down in a chair. "Pretty okay. What about you?" I ask, curious about how my brother has been in the past three years. "Very good. I became an officer here in China." Rafe answers, he seems proud about his job. "That's great. I'm proud of you." I say as I run a hand through my hair. "Thank you. But uhm, why did you call me so randomly?" Rafe asks. What am I going to say?

"I stood up to mom and dad." I blurt out. "What? Why?" Rafe grabs his phone and brings it closer to his face. "They started about the fact I won't become a doctor or a lawyer with the grades I have right now. They also said I'll end up like you if I don't start making use of their advice soon."  I quickly explain to Rafe. It all came out so smoothly. It didn't feel weird, it felt normal. Like old times.

"Ending up like me is not that bad." Rafe rolls his eyes. "Are you sure?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "Come on, brother. I know I was messy growing up, but everything worked out. You just have to believe." Rafe explains. "It's hard to believe in yourself when no one else believes in you." I want to be a writer, but my parents think I can't do it. Who else is going to believe in me?

"I believe in you." Rafe said softly. "What?" "I believe you, Sam." Rafe keeps repeating. "Why?" "I fucked up school and I ended up successful. You're doing good, so you'll most definitely be successful." Rafe explains. "That's not how it works, Rafe." I shake my head. "What do you even want to be?" He asks. I'm a little ashamed of it. What if he thinks I'm not cool like him? What if he still sees me as the fragile boy I was three years ago?

"I want to write." I mutter. "A writer?" Rafe repeats. "Yes..." I should just stop talking about it. Rafe is obviously going to judge me, just like my parents. It's not a cool job at all. I'm not helping anyone with it. Well, that's what my parents say. They think writing is boring. What if this is all just a phase? I probably don't wanna be a writer anymore the second I graduate. This was all stupid and a waste of-

"That's amazing, Sam!" He hooted. What? "You think so?" I ask, not believing him. "Of course, Sam. That's really cool. What do you want to write about?" Rafe seems actually interested. "Just about...struggling, I guess." I mutter. "Struggling with what?" "Everything I struggle with." I falter.  "What do you struggle with?" Rafe seems concerned.

Social anxiety disorder, PTSD, selective mutism, agoraphobia.

"Ever since the incident with those seniors, I've been scared of older men. The memory keeps coming back to me. When a older man I don't know just asks me a question, I completely shut down. I can't speak anymore. I can't even walk past the alleyway where it all happened anymore. Anytime I see it, I feel like throwing up." I confessed.

That day was the worst day of my life. I feel so weak, I feel less of a man. I was sexually assaulted by a group of men as a man. How weak is that? I am a man, I shouldn't be afraid of it happening again. I shouldn't have these fears. I should be able to live normally like a confident man. But I can't stop my feelings. The stupid memory keeps coming back. Why can't I forget it? It's been four entire years, come on.

"Why did you never tell me that? Do mom and dad know?" Rafe asked with a tone of worry in his voice. "They've been to the GP with me and know I have different disorders, but they don't pay much attention to it." I explain. When I was diagnosed with those four disorders, my parents didn't even talk to me about it. They know about the assault and they made sure the boys got expelled, but that was all. I've never had a good talk about it with them.

"I wish I was there for you more." Rafe admitted. "I wish you still lived here." My throat starts hurting, my head feels heavy and I feel tears burning in my eyes. "You know I couldn't stay." "I know." Sometimes, I want to run away and never look back. No warning, no goodbye, no nothing. Just wait until I finish school, then I can finally leave this place.