Silent : Unveiling the Turmoil of a Teenage Heart

CHAPTER 17

TRIGGER WARNING : MENTION OF EATING DISORDER AND THROWING UP.

LILY

I hate mondays. All the classes we have are so shit. Especially Geography. The only fun thing today was Soori's funny Pinterest meme. I also had to cycle in the unbelievably hot weather. I arrived at school all hot and sweaty.

But school is over, so I can finally just relax. I've been in my room since I arrived home. I can smell whatever food my grandmother is cooking.

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I've been trying to exercise more, but it doesn't seem to help. I don't see any weight-loss, even when I eat less. I cycle to school everyday, but that doesn't do anything either.  I feel like nothing changes, no matter how hard I try.

"Lily, dinner is ready!" My grandmother yells from downstairs. "Coming!" I get up from my bed and quickly walk down the stairs.

Our house fits our entire aesthetic. It's all pink, flowers all over the place, lit up by small, warm lights. I couldn't wish for anything more. My grandmother is one of those grandmothers out of movies. The kind of grandmother that bakes you cookies, has vintage stuff everywhere and lives in the middle of nowhere.

She put so much effort into the dinner, I almost feel bad not being able to eat it. I really want to, but my head just tells me not to. The feeling of food going down my throat makes me want to throw it all up again. Maybe that's what I'll do. Eat it, and just throw it up. That way she'll still be happy I ate it, and she won't know I threw it up. Grandma is getting deaf, so she won't hear the sound of me in the bathroom.

She made so much food. She made a giant pot of gnocchi chicken skillet. I loved this when I was younger. Grandma made this all the time, and I ate it all up. But, I can't. What am I going to tell her?

"I made your favorite food, Candy." Grandma always calls me 'candy', because I remind her of sweet, pink candy. "That's sweet of you, Nonna." I reply. I always called her 'Nonna.' I don't know where it came from either, I was just taught to call her that.

"I made a little too much, so I don't expect you to eat everything. We can eat the left over food tomorrow, if you want." Perfect. "That's okay. I'll try to eat as much as I can." No joke, I'll actually try. I can't 'not eat' in front of Nonna. She'll be so hurt. I hate seeing old people hurt.

I sit down at the small table. Nonna places the pot in the middle of the table. She sits down in front of me. Nonna grabs my hands and closes her eyes. "Dear Lord, thank you for this food. We are very thankful to have all this. Please Lord, give a healthy life like ours to the families who don't have it." Nonna rubs my hand, signing me to continue our prayer. "Yes Lord, we are unbelievably thankful for all this. Thank you for blessing us with a steady home, enough money for food, water and good education. Thank you Lord, Amen." I finish our prayer. "Amen." Nonna says after me. Nonna is strictly Christian. She always prays before every meal. I pray with her out of respect, and also because I grew up in a very Christian household.

Nonna lets go of my hands and opens her eyes. "Enjoy it, Candy." She says as she gives me the sweetest smile. "You too, Nonna." Nonna scoops a little bit on her plate and then hands the serving spoon to me. I take the spoon out of her hands and put just a little on my plate. "Just that?" She asks as I put the spoon back in the pot. Fuck. "I had a snack this afternoon, so I'll just put a little for now. I'll add more if I'm still hungry." I lie. I never had a snack. I drank a strawberry smoothie this morning. That's all I had today.

"Oh, okay. Make sure you eat enough, sweetheart." She takes her first bite. I feel so bad lying to her, because she genuinely cares about me. She's the only family that cares for me. She's the only family I know.

I barely remember my parents. God knows where they are. I lived with them for a year, then moved to Nonna's. Nonna told me they were very young when they had me. About seventeen years old. One day, they left me with Nonna and just ditched. I don't know why they did that. I have no idea where my parents are. I might even have a shit ton of siblings I don't know about. Who knows if they had anymore children besides me?

I would love to meet my parents one day. I mean, I lived with them, but I don't remember a single thing. I sremember what they looked like, but that's all. I don't remember their names, I don't know who's last name I have and I don't know who's personality I have.

I wonder about my parents all the time. There's so many things I need to know. Maybe I can ask Nonna about it. Maybe she can tell me more. After all, one of them was her child. That I would also want to know. Is this the grandmother from my mother's side or my father's side?

I take a few bites of the gnocchi chicken. I immediately want to stop eating, but I force it all down. ImfineImfineImfine. "How was your day, Candy?" She asks. She takes a sip of her water, waiting for me to answer. "It was fine." I answer. There's nothing else for me to say. It was pretty boring. I mean, I had fun talking with my friends. We joked around, did some work together and Sam nearly fell asleep during History. "Nothing special?" Nonna asked as she tucked a piece of gray hair behind her ear. "No. My friend nearly fell asleep during class though. It was quite funny." I give Nonna a smile. "Who fell asleep? Soori?" Nonna asked as she slightly tilts her head. "No, Sam." "I've never heard of Sam before." "He used to come here all the time, Nonna. I guess you don't remember."

Nonna is slowly starting to forget things. Not big events, but small things like these. She doesn't remember Sam, so I think she doesn't remember Noah either. She can only remember Soori, because Soori still stays over all the time. Nonna is getting older. I'm afraid that one day, Nonna will forget me too. And I'll be all alone again.