Silent : Unveiling the Turmoil of a Teenage Heart

CHAPTER 29

TRIGGER WARNING : MENTION OF EATING DISORDER AND SELF-HARM

SOORI

Lily came back to school today. It was nice, the four of us in class together again. We sat with each other each period.

I promised Lily I'd go to the gym with her tonight. I knew that if Lily wasn't happy with her weight, she'd fall back into her eating disorder. That was the least I wanted. I figured I could maybe help her lose the weight she wanted off in a much healthier way.

I just didn't get it. Lily was effortlessly gorgeous. She was naturally, so pretty. She had that innocent look paired with her bright smile. I found her a gorgeous human being, and it frustrated me she didn't see it herself.

We were in biology. Our biology teacher was our favorite teacher. She was close to our class. The tables were set into groups of four, so my friends and I could sit all together.

I sat down on the right, Lily next to me. Noah sat opposite of me, Sam opposite of Lily. We waited for the class to start, until our teacher, Mrs. Ridley, started on an entire differently topic.

"Class, I need to talk about a serious topic for a moment." She started. What could this be about?

"This class is probably a favorite of mine. I'm very close to this class, and I'm proud to say I can teach this one. But I've been noticing that a lot of you seem so..drained. People have been calling in sick a lot, falling asleep in class, stressing themselves out by working too hard, people wanting to change in the bathrooms for P.E., because they have something to hide. I don't notice this in just this class, but in many others." She explained, her voice brittled.

I could sense she was genuinely upset due to this topic. Hearing her talk, I knew that me and my friend group have all been experiencing the things she listed. Lily called in sick a lot recently due to her disorder. Noah had been falling asleep in class often. Sam's been overworking himself. I've been changing in the bathrooms instead of the changing room, just to hide my legs.

Mrs. Ridley continued. "I think that last one upsets me the most. You kids hide yourself, afraid of judgement. Judgement shouldn't be there. I wished that people wouldn't judge based on people's appearance. No matter if it's a birth mark or millions of scars their hiding." Her voice was shaky, due to her trembling lips.

I wished I didn't have to hide either. I wished no one would judge or ask about the scars. I wished I never even started giving myself the stars. I really wish I didn't.

A boy from our class, Benjamin, raised his hand. Mrs. Ridley noticed, then nodded, allowing him to talk.

"Why do people even hurt themselves? What's so satisfying about it? I couldn't imagine wanting to have scars." Benjamin asked.

It's easy for him to talk about the ugly scars, because he doesn't know what it feels like to cut.

Mrs Ridley responded : "I don't know either, Benjamin. But some people see it as a relief, others do it because they think they deserve pain."

"That's stupid." Another boy, Henry, spoke up.

It's not stupid. It's not.

"Hey, don't say that. There might be people in this class who struggle with it. Sometimes, it's better to keep your opinion to yourself." Mrs. Ridley stepped in.

Jeez. I already wanted to just run out of this class. I never thought much of the scars on my legs. I found them ugly, yes. But I barely saw them, because they were mostly covered up. But hearing other people talk about scars made me more aware of them. The scars are ugly. They are stupid.

The class continued to debate with each other. I wanted to hide in my clothes. I didn't want people to see the look on my face as they talked about how a cut could feel. Because these people had no idea what they were talking about.

Self-harm can be different for every person. But for me, it's the moment of peace and quiet where I think of my mother. Because I couldn't take her pain from earlier, I'm taking it now. In another way.

I cut because I deserve it, and it's what mom would want me to do. To take her pain from her, so she can rest in peace.

The people in this class didn't know about my scars. Not Noah. Not Lily. Not Sam. Not Mrs. Ridley. No one. It was even more nerve-racking that they were talking about scars and cutting while I had those exact scars hidden under my jeans.

I zoned out, staring at my school supplies. The noises around me got faint. It was just me, myself and I. I even forgot my friends were sitting with me. It felt like I was all alone, with no one to help or support me. My hands rubbed my thighs. What would happen if my intense rubbing somehow rip my jeans and reveal my scars? Would my friends be mad? Disappointed? Feel sympathy? If I showed, would they-

"Soori?" Noah asked, his voice a bit croaky. I blinked, snapping out of my thoughts. "Hm?" I hummed. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and cleared my throat, hiding my nerves. "You okay?" He asked, placing a gentle and reassuring hand on my arm. I nodded, a small smile planted on my face. I felt a small pang of guilt in my chest as I looked at my friends concerned expressions, and I hated that I had to lie to them.

Ms. Ridley spoke again.

"I don't want to talk about this too much, because I understand these topics can be really sensitive or offensive to some students. I just wanted to make sure you kids know this classroom is a safe space." She spoke, a small smile on her face and the worry in her eyes slowly faded away.

Noah's hand left my arm, returning to his lap where it rested before. Lily gave me one last sympathetic look, then turned to Ms. Ridley. We continued our biology class, but my mind was filled with my own body, which looked like a battlefield.

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lol sorry this chapter took so long to publish. school's been giving up so much homework. I'll try to keep up more!