To Put On An Act [bxb]

Chapter 34 - you're on your own (WHEN IT RAINS AND POURS)

Days had passed too slowly. Tuesday was a vacuum, a different timeline, a loop, never ending, silent, painful. A singularity. And Youngbin was stuck in it.

He'd thought a lot that afternoon, that evening, but not enough to come to a conclusion. Not that he'd come to any conclusion at all in the past weeks. Simple phrases that'd haunt him for the rest of his life had whispered to him again and again whenever he thought he might be close to figuring things out.

How many times had he done enough mental gymnastics to accept the idea of Alex liking him more than he thought he'd deserve, until Demian reminded him once more that he was so hard to love? How many times had Youngbin tried to replay the memories, the good ones, with Alex in an attempt to allow himself to want these moments back until his mothers voice once more told him how wrong he was?

His thoughts wouldn't stop racing even after he finally passed out that night, or perhaps the next morning, when they carried into his dreams. When he woke up, he couldn't remember what exactly it was that had so horrified him, but the feeling of anxiety and fear and so much fucking guilt was not going to leave him for the coming days.

Days that dragged on. Days that felt empty and lifeless and tired, because Youngbin's mind hadn't allowed him to sleep much, at least no deep sleep, no restful ones, constantly interrupted by dreams that faded away as soon as he'd woken up. And his mind started to malfunction.

He didn't remember a single thing at school on Wednesday. Didn't remember what classes he had, what he talked about with Kaya, if he did at all, didn't remember what homework he was given, didn't remember what he'd done the rest of the day aside from dodging his mothers questions regarding his bent glasses and dirty sweater.

On Thursday he was sent home early by Kaya, making him miss theatre class, but it wasn't like that was a bad thing, with none of the actors taking their job seriously and the teacher slowly sinking into madness watching children on stage make a fool of themselves.

On Friday- What had happened on Friday? He knew that Leia had caught him during lunch break, and she'd given him a pitiful smile, along with her phone number. That was all he could remember. That and the heartache. He'd started to officially call it that, disregarding the words' implications. It was heartache, the pressing feeling against his chest, and the resistance from inside of it. The push and pull, the inescapability of his racing thoughts.

It was heartache. It was terrifying. It was a sickness he'd been carrying the symptoms of for too long, that he was only now willing to diagnose. And the cure- well, what was the cure? To maybe get proper sleep for once to be able to actually think things through with a proper mind. Or to talk to Alex and work it out with him. Or to continue to pretend like he was able to move on sooner or later.

And on Saturday, dark clouds approached Rosebury in a steady pace, cutting the town off from its last bit of fall sun as chilly winds swept through the streets. Not the kind of afternoon to go out to a forest to party with a bunch of strangers. Youngbin was going to do it anyway. As if that would help in any way.

The concealer he'd dabbed underneath his eyes was working hard to cover the dark circles and blemishes that had appeared on his skin, but it was good enough, probably. He didn't feel like caring tonight. Though he probably should've cared, considering the company he'd be in.

Leia had let him know of her arrival, and Youngbin looked at himself in the mirror one last time, gazing at the reflection of someone, though certainly not himself. The real Youngbin would never do something like this.

This being going to a party with a girl he didn't even know. On a Saturday evening. To a forest. Looking like he hadn't slept in days, which was kind of true. But fake Youngbin decided that there was no use dwelling on this, because the longer he'd think about it, the higher was the chance that he'd simply turn around and stay home.