To Put On An Act [bxb]

Chapter 19 - I FEEL NUMB, IS THAT A FEELING?

content warning: drug use

Alex didn't usually smoke. He preferred alcohol, if he had to choose a drug to consume. Weed was never really his first choice, to be honest, because if he drank, he did a lot of it, and usually he didn't have to think as much as he normally did.

He wouldn't get as sad, or paranoid, or depressed when he drank. He wouldn't get so confused and worried. He'd just turn into a dumb jock with a peanut for a brain, and sometimes he'd get a little violent, but usually only towards himself. Which was fine, actually, totally fine. He preferred that over weed.

Because when he got high, his brain became thirty times bigger, actually. And wrinklier. And he'd have so many more thoughts, and he'd discover the secrets of the world, and that was actually really fucking depressing. And sometimes, as he discovered the truth, the knowledge no man should carry, he'd also be faced with the reality of how fucking horrible his life was, and how pathetic he was, and how terrible it was that he preferred getting shitfaced drunk to be reduced to nothing but an angry husk of himself over smoking and having his brain work just a little more than usual.

That didn't change anything today. There he was, on the roof of the little shelter, a crumbling ruin next to an empty, overgrown outdoor pool, somewhere in who the fuck knows where, in a fucking forest. There he was, despite his fear of thinking, and Margo passed him that fucking joint, and he didn't even think about declining.

Smoking with Margo wasn't as bad, actually, he had to admit that. Well, it was bad, but in a different way. Whatever weed Wayne or Min or whoever the fuck were offering him at parties and shit was the mean kind, the eldritch horror kind. Margo, however, had access to this magical strain called "Therapy for Alex". It didn't make him feel like a wizard staring right into a crystal ball filled with horrors. It made him feel like a guy with issues and loving friends that were willing to listen to him. Again, this also was a bad thing.

Alex didn't really know anything about weed. He'd never bothered to look into it. He just put all his trust into Margo, who always had the good shit. Of course, she had the good shit. She was dutch. She had to know. One of her aunts literally ran a coffee shop in Amsterdam. Yeah, cliché, absolutely. But whatever.

It still was the good shit. And as a bonus, it made his pain go away. Not in a dramatic emotional way. The back pain. The back pain he's always had, the pain he started to forget about because it's always there and it's a part of his body. And the neck pain. Turns out there was a lot of pain in his body, and weed helped, but he didn't tell anyone that. Not yet. Not until he had his issues all worked out and he could smoke without the fear of spiralling into depression holes.

Lani held the joint in her hands, her terrifyingly long fingers, stared at it, then stared at Alex, then stared at Margo. Lani was more of a drinker as well. Not as much as Alex. No, actually, just as much as Alex, but she was less horrible about it. She was good at controlling herself. Even drunk. And she was awfully good at pretending to be sober when she needed to. She often fell quiet when she got drunk. And even more quiet when she was high, until she got unbearably chatty. Who knew what she was seeing.

"Are you fine, Alex?" Lani now asked, still holding the joint between her fingers.

"Why wouldn't I?"

She hesitated. "I don't know. Just wanted to make sure."

Apparently he'd been convincing enough. She shrugged, and her hesitation dropped. Sometimes she'd be the responsible friend to stay sober. Not today. Which was fine. Really, it was.

Alex leaned back, laying down on the cold, hard concrete roof. The sky was grey, a deeper one than earlier that day. Darker. Rain, probably, soon. Clouds passed over him, a thick colourless blanket over the sky, passing quickly. Maybe a storm. He could stay here and be rained on and maybe be hit by lightning. Alex took a deep breath, and it smelled like fall, and rain, and weed, and pines.