Mirror, Mirror

3.04 Everything Changed

"Are we the same height?" Starla asked the next morning as they got ready to travel for the day. She and Rayvin hadn't yet put on their shoes, and they stood eye-to-eye on the blanketed floor of their shelter. "I always thought I was taller."

"Really?" Rayvin laughed taking a step closer, until they were toe-to-toe. "I guess not. I guess we've never stood right next to each other without shoes on. That's funny." He raised a hand above his own head, then moved it across Starla's, then back again. They were standing really close together. Starla could feel his breath, see the pores on his face that had supposedly gotten bigger since starting T, smell the faint sweet scent of his sweat, hear the soft sound of his lips parting. She saw a couple soft dark hairs at the corners of his lips where facial hair was beginning to come in, the places he missed when he "shaved" what little hair there was. She saw the dark flecks in his brown eyes. She saw the faint creases in his lips, and the curve of his nose. She saw the place where his hair met his forehead. She took in the shapes of his face.

Starla's eyes widened. Oh no.

"I think I'm actually a tiny bit taller," Rayvin said, interrupting her thoughts. His eyes dropped from the top her head, to her eyes. He smiled.

Starla took a step back, heart pounding.

"We'll just say we're the same height, and call it even," Starla said loftily, undoing and redoing the plaits in her hair, just needing something for her hands to do. Her braids weren't nearly as complex as when Poppy did her hair, but they were good enough.

"I'm fine with that," Rayvin said, turning to get something out of his bag. Starla stared at his back, sweating.

It was at that moment that she realized what was happening.

And suddenly, it was everywhere. Rayvin would be talking to her, and he would make a gesture, and she'd be lost in the way his hand had moved. She became aware of the way he paused and inhaled softly in the middle of speaking, as if adding an invisible punctuation mark. She began noticing his arms, his back. His voice. At first, she had observed him so closely because she was fascinated by his transition and curious about the effects of testosterone.

She had to admit to her heart of hearts, though, that part of why she looked at him so closely was because she liked what she saw. He was just... nice to look at. Everything about him was just— distracting.

"I'm going for a walk," Starla said abruptly.

"What? Right now?" Rayvin blinked, turning back around with a meat stick snack in his mouth. "We're about to start moving."

"Just a quick one," Starla said, quickly dressing down and putting on her boots. "I'll set up camp tonight if you do the tear down this morning. I just need some fresh air."

"OK," Rayvin shrugged, munching on his meat stick. "Take some breakfast with you though." He walked over to where Starla was crouched to put on her boots and held the dried meat to her. Was he handfeeding her? A meat stick, of all things? What a doofus. She had to save him the embarrassment of realizing what he was doing, so she masked her hesitation, leaning forward and delicately taking the meat between her teeth. Rayvin gave a startled laugh, letting go of the dried meat.

"Oh! OK," he said, looking amused.

Ah. She'd totally misread that hadn't she? Now she looked like a doofus.

"Thank you," she said with as much dignity as she could manage crouched on the floor with a mouth full of meat like an idiot. She quickly finished lacing her boots, then backed out of the fort in her half-tied boots, mortified. As she stomped away as fast as she could, she gnashed the meat stick and tried to ignore the flush of embarrassment crawling down her neck. She wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Or fall, rather. Because at that moment, the ice gave beneath her, and she was swallowed by freezing water.