Mirror, Mirror

2.10 Questions

I never wanted to be a mother.

I just wanted to be the best. But I am the best, and it wasn't enough. Now, I'm going to die.

I never wanted to be a mother, but now that I know I'll never get to be one, it's all I want. I want to watch you grow up and fall in love with yourself, the way I never got to.

❖

Things were different after the night that Rayvin told Starla that he was a man.

Starla had a LOT to think about. She found herself thinking about Rayna a lot. Rayvin, rather.

Rayvin's confession about his identity that night put a lot of things into context. Rayvin's aversion to feminine clothing, his anxiety around other people. All the things Starla had assumed were the quirks of someone raised with less privilege, were really just the symptoms of a deeper discomfort with Rayvin's own identity.

In the weeks that followed, a tenuous truce had formed between the two of them.

It was a subtle difference. Starla's snarky comments lost their bite, until the comments eventually stopped altogether. She asked Rayvin a lot of questions, especially in the long stretches of time when it was just the two of them, and he answered all of them. At first, he seemed suspicious of her intentions, but over time he seemed more eager to talk to her about it. He seemed relieved to have someone he could talk to about his identity and what he was going through, even if it was all very surface-level.

Starla got really, really good at avoiding using pronouns for Rayvin when around others.

"Ray is in the bathroom now," she told the teacher. "Class with Ray was fine today," she told her cousins, who were harder to talk to about it since they knew her so well. She was so, so tempted to tell them Rayvin's secret, if only to not have to not misgender him when they talked about him. But she didn't. She let people assume "Ray" was a new nickname she had, and let them be baffled about why they seemed to randomly be getting along better.

Starla also started paying closer attention to Rayvin, listening to the sound of his voice to hear if it was getting deeper, or looking for any signs of facial hair.

"Is there something on my face?" Rayvin asked one day as they worked through their literature homework in a quiet, empty corner of the library.

"What? No," Starla replied, startled. "Why?"

"You keep looking at me," Rayvin said, self-consciously tucking his dark hair behind his ear.

"I was just wondering if your face looked any different today," Starla said, then leaned in to whisper. "You know, from the T." Rayvin snorted, seeming equally exasperated and entertained by these kinds of comments.

"Like I said, I only started a month ago. The changes are going to happen so slowly, you probably won't even notice," he said.

"I think I would notice if you started growing a mustache," Starla said skeptically. "Do you feel different though? Like, inside?" Her entire life, Lady Crystallia had been a woman to her. She'd never met someone in the midst of such changes, and she was curious about it.

"Mmm..." Rayvin tilted his head thoughtfully. "Yeah. I feel better. Warmer? But it's hard to describe."

"I see," Starla said, going back to her work. Minutes later, she asked, "Where do you get this T anyway? Surely you can't just find it anywhere."

"I know a guy," Rayvin said furtively. He paused, then looked back at Starla. "I have a question for you."

"I suppose that's only fair," Starla sighed. "I'm fascinating."

"Why do you wear gloves so often? What's with all the mirrors in your room?" Rayvin asked, and Starla's jaw tightened slightly.

"My hands get cold, and I think they're pretty," Starla responded carefully.

"I see," Rayvin said, seeming to sense her sudden guardedness. Starla felt a flash of shame for asking him so many questions, which he patiently answered, only to give him a dodgy answer herself. Was that the point Rayvin was trying to make?

"Sorry for asking invasive questions," Starla said. "I'll try to be more respectful."

"No no, it's ok," Rayvin reassured her. "I like your questions. You're the only person who asks, and it's nice talking about... this with someone. I was just joking. Sorry if I brought up something sensitive."

"Nothing sensitive," Starla said a little too quickly. "And it's only fair if you get to ask me questions too."

Rayvin's gaze softened. "Let me ask an easier question. What's your favorite color?"

"Oh, that's easy. Lavender, baby blue, pastel pink," Starla said, rattling off the list. "And black. It goes with everything."

"You can't just say the entire rainbow," Rayvin laughed. "That's some gay shit."

"What kind of rainbows are you seeing? You can have multiple favorite colors," Starla huffed. "What's your favorite color then, wise guy?"

"Orange is nice," Rayvin said mildly.

"Of course you like orange," Starla rolled her eyes. "You're so weird."

"It's a good color!" Rayvin said defensively, and Starla snorted. They both went back to writing, but every once in a while they would speak up with a question for each other.

❖

During self-defense class, Starla knocked Rayvin to the ground. She hadn't hit him hard, but he didn't get up. He lay there, gasping in pain. He often ran out of breath very fast, but today it seemed worse than usual.

"What? What's wrong?" Starla demanded.

"I just need to take a breather," Rayvin said from the floor.

"Don't lie," Starla said. "The King will have me flayed if I actually injure you or cause any lasting damage."

"I'm good, I promise," Rayvin said with an unconvincing smile. "Lasting damage? I'm not a piece of furniture."

Later on, when it was just the two of them walking back to their rooms across from each other, Starla grilled Rayvin about it again.

"Don't be coy about this, Rayvin," Starla said. "If you're injured, you need to get it checked out as soon as possible. We don't have time for you to fall behind because of this." Rayvin stared at her, calculating.

"I wrap my chest to make it look flat," he finally said. Ah. That explained a lot.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Starla said, dismayed. Involuntarily, she glanced down at his chest, which he crossed his arms protectively over.

"Of course it hurts," Rayvin said.

"That can't be good for you," Starla said.

"Yeah, well it's the only option I have," Rayvin said in a prickly voice. "Anyway, I'm only telling you because I think you should know, since you're coach or whatever."

"I... see," Starla said. This revelation bothered Starla. But it also gave her an idea. "Well, good night."

"Yeah, good night."