Butterfly and Flame - Alina and Evan

Mysteries and Miracles

"I can't believe you lied to me! Do you have any idea what you have done! You've put your life in danger. You've betrayed the trust we have in one another with... with a lie. For what? For the chance to die in my arms....again! I can't do this. I can't be here and watch you go through .... I can't support you in this. I can't believe you did this to us!" Alina watched with tears falling down her cheeks at Evan's reaction as he paced across the floor of the clinic they were in. The doctor had left them alone when he realized the news he had just delivered was not expected and by the looks of it not wanted. She closed her eyes but all she could see was the reaction on Evans face when she told him that she hadn't taken the pill as the doctor had ordered. His face had shown his emotions as they went from shock to grief to anger. All in the span of seconds. She tried to get him to listen to her explanation but he merely lifted his hand up and quietly said "stop". The doctor looked at them both and told her to remain calm, the pregnancy would be a delicate one but he had every reason to believe that all would be well. When he turned to Evan his voice was stern and direct "regardless of your feelings, your wife needs all your support and strength. Anything else is superfluous right now". Evans face had turned to stone right in front of her.

He felt as if though his heart had been ripped from his chest. Why hadn't he seen it? Why hadn't he been more aware, more in tune? Of course she wanted a child. She wanted it as much for them as she wanted it for the love of children itself. However she had done it all behind his back. He had been very clear. They would wait. Wait until she had been fully recovered. Wait until they had looked into other methods. Wait until he could rule out all potential threats. Now she had put them directly into the lions mouth. She was pregnant, without preparing for it and without his consent. He wanted to yell at her and let her know just how reckless she had been with their future, with her life but he could only manage a few words that erupted from his mouth in icy bitterness and anger. Even now he could see the reaction they caused by the look on her face. She was hurt-and scared. The thought of that had him walking over to her bed quickly. He wanted to hold her and make her fears go away but how could he when he was consumed by fear himself. He knew well enough that she was born to be a mother. Born to make and raise children but at what cost? Her very life? He just couldn't stand by and see her suffer through another miscarriage. He couldn't suffer through another loss either. As well as the potential loss of her. He gritted his teeth and stopped just short of the bed. Everything in him wanted to hold her and comfort her, speak the fears away but the look on her face as he approached her woke him up. He had lost his cool and in a moment of anger and male ego he had hurt the very person he loved more than anything. As she spoke he heard his heart beat furiously against his chest and his throat tightened with suppressed emotions. Every word from her mouth seemed to lash at his soul but he didn't move and he didn't speak. He simply stood there and took it.

Somewhere amongst the words that he hurled at her in anger she recoiled inside of herself. He was right to be shocked and angry. He was right to be worried and feeling helpless. He was even right to feel betrayed in a way. She had lied to him but it hadn't started out that way. She hadn't really meant to forget to take the damn pills. She closed her eyes and remembered the afternoon they had finally come together after months of no intimacy between them. It had been an avalanche of emotions and she hadn't taken the pill that morning even though she had intended to. Even though she had been against it she had decided to follow the doctor's advice, for a while anyway. She hadn't intended on deceiving him. When they left for that week long trip to Belize, to find themselves again,  she didn't pack them and frankly forgot all about them. When they had finally made love again that afternoon for the first time since the miscarriage it was the last thing on her mind. The whole time they were gone, the entire time in which they made love daily and often, she never once thought about the pills. Not until they returned home and she saw them on her side of the bathroom counter. The moment she saw them she realized that they had had unprotected sex for the entire time. She pondered on the possibility of being pregnant and the thought of taking them was abhorrent to her if that were true. So she decided to not take them until she was sure she was safe, until her period came again. By then Evan would be back form the trip he left for. He would be flying to Europe to settle their grandmothers affairs and remain there for several weeks along with Christian. They were separated by distance at the point. During that entire time she never took the pills as she waited for her period. When it came she fully intended to begin taking them but then, on the day of his return Ashley became gravely ill and arrangements were made to treat her back in New York. Once again they were separated but this time by circumstances if not by distance. They took turns between Christian, she and Evan, staying with Ashley at the hospital alongside Elliot while still managing the day to day aspects of their businesses. When someone was home they looked after Elliot's needs who was looking tired and withdrawn. For over a month Ashley was touch and go and they remained in constant upheaval. Suddenly Christian was called away to welcome the birth of his second child leaving Evan to the oversight of the company affairs, his visits to Ashley and concerns for Elliot alongside her stays in the hospital and her cooking for Elliot kept them busy. They had not been intimate until this past week. Their grandmother was back home in Ash and on the mend. Elliot was set up at home with a night nurse for Ashley, a housekeeper and cook who arrived daily and Christian and Marina were enjoying bonding with their little son.  When she became ill she had not made the connection. She had completely mistaken the signs for stress or some other malady until the news from the doctor that she was pregnant was like a bomb going off in her head. The moment she learned of the little life growing within her she was momentarily struck with fear but soon after, moments later, hope bloomed in her heart. Then the devastation of watching as how Evan reacted to it turned on a switch in her brain that shut everything down. All the hope, all the love, all the trust- vanished from her heart. She locked it up somewhere where it couldn't be found. She had done it before. She had compartmentalized her life in order to survive a traumatic experience that had threatened her sanity. Now here she was again. This time though she would be fighting for two.