From the moment I left my bed I went directly to my window to watch the kids playing right outside their yard. I’ve been lying in bed since I woke up and these kids are disrupting my reflections on the past. I’m not just bothered by my neighbor's children ruining my day but I also really detest the window on the left side of my bed. I wish I could just get rid of this. The morning light always forces me to turn to the other side when I’m in bed.
Just as I was about to leave my room, I spotted a box hidden at the top of my closet. The box is plain red and its striking color made it impossible to go unnoticed. I had to close the door and stand perfectly still, staring intently at the box feeling a swift change in my mood. A surge of memories overwhelmed me, and I tried to block them out knowing that thinking about them would lead to tears again. Before I could even begin to move, a single tear had already fallen. The box holds my mother’s most cherished items, including many of my belongings from when I was a baby. She was unable to let it go. I couldn’t bring myself to touch any of it since it didn't seem fair. Seeing things that remind you of someone who’s no longer around can be a heart wrenching pain. I lost my mother at the age of nine. My mom was one of the four people who died in a bus accident. It was a heartbreaking accident that led families to mourn for their loved ones at the exact location of their deaths. I don't know much more about it because, after all, it's an accident and there's nothing left to do but accept it.
That was when I wished to disappear and never return. But on the other side of reality, I carry this guilt for feeling that I had some part in it. The day of the accident was also the day of a school activity, since it was necessary for both parents to attend but with Dad working, Mom had no hesitation attending alone for me. I had no desire of attending school, but Mom thought it was a crucial part of a typical childhood experience. I had no interest in academic performance, athletic activities, or even forming friendships. I found it difficult to connect with people especially the other kids at school who often made mean remarks and kept themselves apart from me. Even with all that, she remained my only source of encouragement and there’s no shame in it for me because it’s the truth. If I had only shared with her how different I was from other kids and how I truly felt about school and people around me, would she still be here?
“Cari, I thought we were meeting outside?” A loud voice from behind the door took me by surprise. I brushed away my tears and pretended I was just getting ready to go outside, though I'd actually been planning to leave shortly before. Laurel greeted me with a broad smile and a coffee in hand.
“Since when did we ever talk about meeting outside?” I moved past her and went directly outside, not checking for any sign of my father.
“Oh, I forgot that your phone doesn’t work for you.” Laurel has been my friend since childhood and ultimately became my best friend as we grew up together. Our parents were close friends long before we were even born. She was able to make her parents agree to let her stay with me while they move to a new city. It took time and wasn’t an easy choice but eventually, her parents gave in and were forced to get a suite just for her. Even with that benefit and not to mention how lucky she is in that part, she still hasn’t made any effort to visit them. “I might get another cup of this.”
I'm heading to the bookstore situated just inside the village, a short walk from where I usually spend time. I recall the first time they opened, I felt a deep joy entering because I knew that the familiar scent of the place would always bring me comfort. We finally arrived inside after a few minutes of walking. “You realize that she’s not fond of you being here, right?” Nathan's standard greeting was his usual smile every time I showed up.
“But you like it when I'm here.” Laurel seems to be flirting with Nathan once more, playfully teasing him whenever she’s around.
"I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you're disgusting.” He hates it when Laurel behaves that way as he claims it upsets his boyfriend. Their voices began to fade as I walked over to the bookshelves and simply looked at whatever was around. Even as a frequent customer who rarely buys anything, I don’t actually consider reading as one of my hobbies, because I don't. I dislike having to read through an entire narrative just to make sense of it. That I must go through each page and mentally play out the scenarios in my head, I'm more into watching. Like when a husband presents the dishes he prepares for his wife on television, how this woman captivates the man in the film or how people practice surfing at the beach with guidance from someone. I prefer watching because it doesn’t require me to think that much.
I bump into Nathan holding a stack of books as he searches for the correct order to arrange them. “A little help here?”
“Just don't ask me to read anything, Nathan.”
“I was going to hand you this book, and I guarantee you won’t have to pay for it.” He offered me a single book and I gave him a partial smile in return instead.
“Stop making me, I’m really on the brink of telling your manager how you keep coercing me.” I said being serious this time.
“You’re not considered a customer if you don’t buy anything, remember that.” I’ve had enough of him saying that when it’s clear he doesn’t mean it. I decided to head to the counter knowing Laurel would likely be there disturbing other people. The only reason she comes here is because of me anyway.
“You made the right choice ending things with him, now it’s time for you to celebrate.” I overheard her whispering to an older woman in workout clothes who had just bought a book. As soon as she walked through the door, Laurel couldn’t take her eyes off her pants almost as if she were a strange person in the corner. “I’m convinced that she has made the gym her home.” She spoke softly to the person at the counter.
“I’m not even joking right now, you're giving me the creeps, Laurel.” I said as soon as I walked over to meet her.
