After finishing the birthday shoot for Sam’s cousin who turned seven yesterday, I went to the mall with Laurel. I didn't realize Laurel would be there until I spotted her at the venue before starting my usual work. I can’t recall the last time I visited the mall, though I do remember stopping by aimlessly. I spent extra hours there searching for decent clothes for myself and a pair of boots I wasn’t sure I’d even wear. Spending additional hours browsing various stores in search of a better accessory. I ended up purchasing items from just one store that Laurel really liked. I bought a necklace featuring the first letter of my name. There were many choices, but as soon as I saw it I realized it would be special because it shares the same letter as my mom’s name. Clara. It’s a silver necklace at a fair price. I thought it looked good on me.
“So. Sam.” I insisted on driving home since I had never had foot pain before during our walk, but we stumbled upon Laurel’s preferred coffeehouse in the mall and decided to get her coffee and pastries for both of us. I was quite hungry. “Hey, about Sam.”
“What?”
“The revelation?”
“What revelation?”
“You know what I mean. His confession to you.” I don't really wanna talk about it.
“Ask him.”
“Is there something? I've seen the way he looked at you today—”
“I prefer not to talk while eating.” It takes away my hunger.
“Do you like him too?”
There was a significant pause. What’s causing the delay? I’m not exactly captivated by him. I think it's great to have someone who understands your food preferences, so you don’t need to keep mentioning it to them. It’s comforting to have someone who can step in during awkward or embarrassing moments and redirect attention from me. To have someone bring extra wraps because I’m prone to getting cold and falling ill. When he tells me at 2 a.m. to try to sleep for a few hours, even though he knows I can't sleep at that time. But I don’t like to text, so I just let him send them after midnight. When he tells goofy jokes that occasionally make me smile and then says, “Smiling really suits you, Cari,” he’s being quite ridiculous. It’s these small gestures that bring a comforting sense of being truly known. It’s also about the silent conversation that happens between us, where he knows my likes and dislikes, my comforts and discomforts. But whenever he does, I look into his pale blue eyes and consistently mesmerized by their charm. His lips with a hint of peachy hue, and his entire face appearing effortlessly natural.
“Cari?”
“I-I mean—”
“So, you do like him?”
“Uh. What I’m getting at is that he can’t really have feelings for me in the first place and I can’t for him either.” I said, taking a sip of my water.
Laurel set her plate on the table, her expression a mix of confusion. “What’s the big deal about him liking you?”
There are numerous reasons, but I doubt any of them will make a difference since he already made his feelings clear. His feelings aren't likely to last, I’m sure he’s already noticed things that will make him lose interest.
“Why are you asking so many questions?”
“Because I'm thrilled! You look surprisingly great with him. You still have your usual frown, but you’re interacting with others a bit more now. That’s an improvement.” If it weren’t for this job, I wouldn’t know how to do it.
“It’s nothing.”
“Sam is genuinely a great person, Cari. You’d be better off with him.”
He certainly is, but it’s not something I’m thinking about right now. I’m not inclined to search for anything. I still occasionally picture myself sitting alone on a bench watching people go by, but now I'm facing the reality of life. Where is this leading me? Eventually, it might end with me losing this job and then I’ll find myself in bed staring at the empty ceiling, feeling completely drained and void of thoughts. However, I can't remain in that phase any longer. Supposing that someday it will be. I never imagined myself being in a real relationship with anyone, not even once. I still need to sort out my life, I haven’t even reached the halfway point. “He’ll find someone better than me, believe me.”
“You don't know that.” I acted as if her words didn’t weigh heavily on my mind. We finished eating and eventually headed back home.
As I was about to shut the door I noticed Dad resting his head on the table with a beer beside him. I intentionally let the bags hit the floor and watched him for several minutes, wishing he would notice the door opening but when he didn’t, I realized he was repeating the same action. I have no idea for how long this has been happening whenever I’m away.
I’ve repeatedly seen him collapse on the couch or the floor, completely unresponsive to any noise. I cautiously removed the drink from his hand and cleared the clutter from the table. Seeing him like this again makes me feel wretched, as if I’ve returned to the things I’m trying to forget now. It brought me intense pain. I draped the blanket over his back to keep him warm, trusting he’ll know what to do when he's awake. I gave him one final look before going to my room.
It still feels novel each time I walk into my room and find it organized, with no clutter on the floor and everything properly arranged. I’ve successfully made a habit of properly making my bed each morning before leaving my room. I realized it does bring me a sense of relief. I make sure that anything left on the floor is quickly thrown into the trash bin outside. Whether it's trash or items I no longer find useful. After trying on the clothes we bought and facing the mirror, I noticed they actually fit me nicely. I just wish I have the confidence to wear this without hesitation to avoid wasting the money spent. Not when I’m saving up for my own needs. What worries me though, is this house. There are areas needing repair, such as the kitchen, where the ceiling and walls are dripping with water. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I'm sure the house is turning into an old one. My shower often lacks enough water, I have to fetch water from the yard with a pail and carry it to my room, and sometimes skipping a shower is an option. The furniture is in poor shape, it appears to be breaking down on its own. It’s a constant mess.
I have the option to stay and replace them or to move out entirely.
