I contemplate the thrill someone feels when they realize, even for a moment, that they are admired by someone. Romantic affection often begins with a sense of intrigue. When people meet there’s a moment of recognition, an inexplicable feeling that something about this person resonates with the other. This initial spark can be triggered by many things, a shared sense of humor, a unique perspective on life or even the way someone carries themselves with a certain confidence. It’s as if they're instinctively drawn to something within them that mirrors their own desires or aspirations. They giggle alone, giving too much weight by having to dress excessively or wear too much blush-on for some even more attention, being ridiculous by needing to give affection with certain things they like and just really seeing it as a responsibility. Like everyone are supposed to try too hard for it. I hold no resentment towards the gestures people make, whether genuinely caring or merely pretending to. I've never been liked by anyone before and honestly, it was a relief. I’ve never been the center of attention anywhere and that doesn’t affect me, solitude is something many people long for. I wouldn't call it freedom, as I’ve never experienced that
It’s been an incredibly hectic week for me. Working with Sam made it difficult for both of us, as he hadn't previously considered hiring anyone. I was surprised to discover that he's outgoing, yet he never allowed anyone to work with him. At one point, he had me speak with an elderly couple for a brief meeting, which turned into a two hour conversation about their grief over their dog's death. It was distressing to see them so heartbroken, but I noticed it was the longest I had ever been in the presence of others without needing to say a word. I had to keep nodding and often bit my lips to stay composed. I’m bound to fulfill this demanding task that I initially agreed to.
Sam noticed my uneasy appearance and I told him what was wrong, but he only laughed as though it was a source of amusement. “So you stayed put the whole time?”
“I couldn't just walk out on them, Sam. It was your job to do all the talking here.”
“I was going through things of my own too.”
“Yeah well, I can handle everything except that.”
Right after work I hurriedly arranged the equipment putting everything back in its place and then climbed into the car for a nap until we reached home. I didn’t have time to nap earlier, so I ended up feeling exhausted by morning for work. Sam eventually changed the scent in his vehicle after I casually brought it up. I immediately make unpleasant faces every time I detect the smell when I get in, it’s not healthy for me. I thought it was a bit unusual that I liked the slow music he played while driving, I didn't expect it to make me doze off so easily. Despite not liking loud noises, it's unexpected that he plays calming music when he knows I’m about to nap in his car, as it seems to work well for me.
“I like that song.” I spoke quietly while resting my head comfortably on the pillow with the cover draped over me. I chose to bring my own whenever we travel long distances from home. A visually appealing setting that people are eager to capture and visit. Places I haven’t seen before that I believe are worth exploring. There is a certain magic in the idea of traveling to a place where the scenery seems almost otherworldly. I find that being in a place of striking visual appeal has a profound effect on my state of mind. I observe others grinning widely and wonder why my own smile seems to have faded away. Life has caused me to endure the loss of all I once had. Seeing kids play joyfully in the field without worries makes me realize that my own childhood didn't involve forming bonds with other children. Like a normal one. The early years didn’t lead me to resent my childhood, it was never about that. However, I realized it abruptly ended far too quickly.
“You have your favorite song now?” Sam's sarcastic trait further increased usually when I answer in earnest. “What, I like that song too. It helps me feel relaxed while driving.” He added.
We went to this place the other day for a birthday photo session, where I was obliged to wear a formal gown and the men had to be dressed in suits. What made it easier was not having to look for it myself, as Laurel provided several different long dress options. It took us a few hours of driving and more naps, which left me in a wistful dream. I had a vision of my mom that brought me to tears the instant I woke up, only to realize I was still in Sam’s car. I remember looking at him, feeling a deep sense of confusion as I tried to catch my breath. He pulled over and turned off the engine, locking eyes with me and looking extremely concerned.
I saw his intense gaze and felt his hand on my back, making sure I knew he was with me. I tried to remind myself that I was in the present, but my mind kept convincing me I was just with her. She was providing me with comfort. Holding me. Gazing directly into my eyes felt as though it was happening for the first time. All of it.
“I’m sorry.” I stepped out of the car to release my emotions. I buried my face in my hands, crying so hard that I could only hear my own sobs.
I feel her absence deeply. My mom was the only person who began everything with me. I knew growing up with her will make my existence have sense and just better. I knew that having her in my life would make my existence more meaningful and better. I knew that life would be meaningful with her standing by patiently, as I accomplished the things I was striving for us. I had that image in mind. I’d rather not describe what I saw like a scene from a movie, where there's a chance to connect with someone but it always ends abruptly. All the time. I perceived it as if it were a permanent goodbye. I couldn't take it. I broke down in tears, feeling my entire body weaken and my heart slowly breaking into fragments again. I’m in so much head pain that I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. I could never be in charge with my emotions.
But I want to manage it just once. “S-sam, i-it hurts.” The words I spoke came out broken and I was gradually becoming breathless once more. I had to collapse in front of him again. I had no choice but to do it, or else I'd end up collapsing in places I’d rather not revisit alone again.
He came over, took both of my hands and gently rubbed them. “You’re safe here, Cari.” I cried even harder, feeling a deep sense of humiliation as I wept in front of him again.
I rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s okay. Don’t hold back, Cari.” At least with him, I don't need to pretend because he understands what I'm experiencing.
“Thank you, Sam.” The last words I spoke before breaking down completely with Sam holding me close. Time itself feels like it slows down again, leaving me alone with the crushing weight of my emotions.
