Sam told me his plans the other day, under the impression that we were living together. I played along with his ideas since I wasn’t ready to open up about the thing that I was supposed to tell him. I liked his ideas, but I’d be dishonest if I claimed I was ready to move in with him. I didn’t want to let him down while he was sharing everything with me. That’s not included in my current changes. He talked about getting a permanent residence with a big garden, since he knows I enjoy being surrounded by flowers. We’d paint the walls in our preferred colors, even though he doesn’t have a favorite color. He’d allow me to be a bit untidy around the house, believing that constant cleanliness might not always be healthy. I was really enthusiastic about his ideas and felt a bit excited when he brought them up, but it wasn’t quite enough. I crave this solitude not to withdraw from everyone, but to experience life with less of the burden I carry.
I didn’t think my birthday would bring this much sadness. Most years my feelings on my birthday wouldn’t matter, but this is different, it’s us. The show we're seeing starts before midnight and it's only 10 o'clock in the morning right now. I’ve already printed the photographs to hand out next week and I'm almost finished with my work with Sam. He still hasn’t left his room to talk to me. This isn't how it should be. We need to talk about this or one of us might fall apart because together, we can help each other understand and get through this.
“I don't know what you're up to in there, but we need to talk.” I knocked two times on his door as my whole body began to warm up. “You can't keep shutting yourself away whenever we have a fight, Sam.” I spoke truthfully.
I waited for several more minutes like before, hoping he’d open the door, but after an hour outside his room I heard nothing. I understand what he’s going through, but I just need him to hear my side, what I honestly feel. I’m beginning to feel unsteady and tears are welling up, but before they could fall, I stood up, grabbed my coat and headed outside. I didn’t realize how much anxiety I would feel just by worrying about Sam not talking to me. Never mind what I said about staying patient with him. I’m keeping calm, but I could use someone to talk to. I messaged my therapist, letting her know it's urgent and I need to see her. I'm worried I might break down if I don't share this. I really don’t want to close myself off again.
I grabbed a cab to the clinic and went straight to her office, but her assistant told me there was still a patient inside. I kept shutting my eyes and using every technique I knew to steady my breathing. It feels like there's a sharp pain in my chest making my heart race, and I can't shake it off. The worries crept back in again. A few minutes later, it was finally my turn to go in and see her. “I’m sorry, I-I just needed to talk to you.” I said once I entered.
“It’s okay, Cari. The important thing is that you're here now, alright?” I respond with a nod. I took my usual seat across from Dr. Emily. I settle into this medium sky-blue couch that’s soft and quite comfortable. I believe she chose this couch based on research to ensure patients feel relaxed with its softness and color. “It's good to see you, Cari. I got your text. How are you feeling right now?” She sat across from me holding a pen and every time she wrote something, it made me uneasy as if it were always something negative about me.
“Not great. I. . . I just didn’t know what to do. Sam isn’t talking to me and it's all because of this stupid misunderstanding. I feel like everything is falling apart again, and I’m so anxious.” I spoke to her, feeling my voice tremble with each word.
“I hear you. It sounds like this situation has been weighing heavily on you. Can you tell me more about what happened?”
I hesitated for a moment before speaking. “We had a small argument, and I think he took something I said the wrong way. I didn’t mean it like that. Now, he's choosing to lock himself away from me, It’s been hours. I feel so out of control, l-like I’m spiraling.” This wasn't what I wanted, but he gave me no other option. I still don't understand why he'd rather stay silent when we could resolve this.
