“I mean, wow. Didn't recognize you there.”
“Question is, what are you doing unaccompanied late at night?”
“I do this all the time. I walk to be distracted and get my mind off things.”
“How have you been lately, Cari?”
“Uh, fine. Why do you ask?”
“It must have been rough for you to hear everyone's buzz and all the talking.”
I remember Tyrone would throw pocket candies wrapped in various colors daily through our lawn’s fence. He would carry a smaller chair from their house with sweet contents in a basket and hurl each one in our backyard. I never ate any of it. They were the good neighbors until they had to move someplace just before the accident happened to my Mom. In the past I used to stick around a lot in our compact garden in the corner talking to plants which is silly to think about now, and it would make me absolutely infuriated because a lot of times he would deliberately hit me in the head with those round candies. I told him a single time that he will never be a friend to me, the following days I noticed he didn't bring his seat and slip his head to the fence, instead he would circle around our house with a bicycle he's riding. He was even more little sitting on a bike. Eventually we started being a little friends and I would call him tiny biker. He was the most annoying kid yet the only nicest I knew in the neighborhood for all these years.
“What about the talking?”
“People around the village. I'm aware that it's happening in years—if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, Cari. I know it felt like I just totally left. I-”
“Happening in years? What are you talking about?” I haven't seen him in years. It didn't even felt like he left considering I was too caught up with what happened and the only thing I did when Mom was in the emergency room was shiver and extremely worry about what will happen. I didn't wanna hear it but once the doctor came out of her room his look says it all. I wasn't able to move. I was shaking the entire time I was there and Dad wasn't even next to me in that moment. I was helpless.
“I sympathize with how much you've been dealing with. You don't have to listen to them. What they say doesn't—”
“I-I don't understand, Tyrone. Them? What are you trying to say?”
The look on his face is evidently hesitant and it took him a quick moment to clear his throat before speaking again. “People think you're crazy for thinking your father is still alive.” My entire body almost dropped from what he just said. My chest began to pound rapidly sensing every part of me turn from pleasantly warm to cold, like the evening breeze suddenly knew what was approaching. “W-what?”
“It’s okay, Cari. I can help you—”
“Leave me alone.”
“I'm just trying to help you—”
“My father is alive, Tyrone! Where the hell did you get that from, huh? None of what you're saying is okay!”
This is one of those ridiculous nights in my life again. He shows up in the middle of the night that gave me fright and tell me that I'm insane. “Cari, calm down. You know what I'm talking about.” I have the choice to ignore what he says. It's difficult to make sense of what he's telling me.
“You know what, I'm leaving early for work tomorrow. I don't have time for this. It has been a long night.” And I'm certain Sam is avoiding me, he might talk to me about most things infront of my face but it strikes me that he's also got some heavy stuff to tell me that he hasn't expressed so far. I was about to walk past him when he grabbed my arms. “Come with me, Cari. You're not in a suitable state of mind to contemplate deeply about what's happening around. Let me show you.”
“I’m going home.”
“Please, Cari.”
I don't know how and why exactly he convinced me to go with him. It's rather unusual for me that I can see into him that he just didn't wanna appear in the middle of the night to inform me he's returned. He's eager to reveal something to me. I'm walking along with him and made a stop infront of my house which is still making my whole body feel a slight shake. I don't know if it's the thought of coming back here or the fear that I might discover something. As we make our way to my house, it feels a lot more weird returning to a home I haven't been to in weeks, I find it impossible not to feel the truth coming out anytime soon. The truth is still a blur. My thoughts are telling me that there's no way to find out unless Tyrone would tell me right now. “What are we doing in my house?”
“Why don't you take a look at inside?” He pointed at the doorknob.
“This is ridiculous. I don't wanna wake him up, Tyro—”
“Just do it, Cari.”
I gently opened the door, there was a subtle creaking sound, like a whisper when watching a horror film. The entrance almost looked older and even the breeze feels unusual. The next thing I know was taking a step inside with Tyrone alongside me as I view everything with shock. I let out a sharp intake of breath, “What is this?”, the surface and every center of the house appears to be covered with dust and you can literally see dark stains on the floor. The ceiling is filled with webs all over it. Throughout every side of the stoned-colored wall it requires a lot of work with its cracks and scratches probably from the wall decor that they removed from it. You won't see any furnitures left inside, just the weird ancient aroma coming from the house itself. There's nothing here. At this moment I'm struggling to grasp if this is even real or just a dream again playing with me. I couldn't stop shuddering and breathing hard.
Right now it appears to be true, infact the reality gently trickles on my mind like a water trying to make way, until it stops and nothing left there is to understand. Now it's coming together. In an instant, I let my whole body fall on the ground as I started sobbing with both of my hands on my face. “No.” I'm not ready to accept it yet.
“Your father is not here, Cari.” It still angers me when people mention that. Their hushed words linger in my memory and it makes me wanna hurt myself. I looked at both of my arms and saw a few red cuts, I know I did this. Someone probably dropped a blade here before, I picked it up and it's been in my possession ever since I found it. “He died one year after your mother's accident. He tragically drowned himself in the bathtub here.”
It feels like my heart is being crushed into pieces. I burst into more tears as the truth settled in. The truth is now more evident than ever.
When my mom passed away, it felt like my world came to an end. It was as if the ground opened up and consumed me, trapping me in sorrow over and over again. I was slapped with the painful realization that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and that deeply wounded me. I never leave the house, constantly hurting myself and started having conversations with myself causing people to view me as crazy. They'd be surprised if I make a brief escape from the house to visit the bookstore or wander alone talking to no one in the street. Kids would laugh at me, a group of parents from the village would talk about me as I pass through them, the people wants to kick me out and convince me to move somewhere else because I was scaring the neighbors and their kids. I would remind myself loudly that my father is still by my side, alive. I couldn't endure the thought of losing both parents so I convinced myself that I still have him with me. At this point, I'm completely awake.
He took his own life, and I couldn't do anything about it.
