“I need a place to stay.”
After finally packing my belongings into the suitcase, a relief when I rediscovered it in my wardrobe, and preparing a handbag for the remaining essentials, I rushed downstairs only to be met with the sight of a wet ground and a gentle drizzle outside. I couldn't use the vehicle or postpone my departure until tomorrow. Not the perfect time to hold off. I had to push myself to run for it before the heavy rain started. I removed my shoes and hurried away from the house, not caring if my belongings got a bit damp from the annoying rain. Every time I encounter a problem in life, the world seems to throw even more obstacles my way making the day even worse.
“Cari? What happened?” I stood in Sam's front door, released my things with me as I attempt to fix myself before I face him. I realized that it wouldn't make any difference considering it's clear to see that I'm already soaked in wet, freezing in every part of me and just this hefty feeling I bear with me trying to pull myself together. “Take this, Cari.”
He welcomed me in and swiftly took a cozy sheet to cover me completely. Sam carried my belongings inside while I stood weak and frozen, unable to move due to the warmth gradually returning to my body. “I moved out of the house.”
“I found him at home—and he kept p-pushing me away. I couldn't think straight so I packed my things with me and left him.”
I explained the entire story to Sam when I arrived home and found the living room to be a place I could barely recognize. How he responded to me while I was simply trying to be his daughter and reflecting on what might have triggered his reaction. It might have been the influence of alcohol causing him to push me away, but the more he did, the stronger my urge became to escape everything. Part of me believes that if Dad was sincere, he was too cowardly to speak up when he was in his right mind. He runs away from everything. I did too. He didn’t experience the void of my absence because I was present. He treated me like I was invisible, as if I had disappeared.
“We never got the chance to talk, I just left.”
I've longed for that deep discussion with him on many occasions. There were times in my daily life when I wished I had the courage to confront him and have the conversation without hesitation. I won't deny that I put in the effort, because I did. I’d take care to make his coffee before I get my sleep in the morning even though he doesn’t like the way I make it, I make an effort to get home from work early hoping he's there so I can finally start the conversation, I’d collect takeout from various diners to bring him his evening meal, In the dead of night while he's watching TV, I’d check if he’d fallen asleep and turn it off deliberately. Every time, I find a way to reconnect with him as I did before. But things are never the same anymore. What I meant was I noticed that my approach to things at home changed because I believed this relationship with my father would finally work out. “I’m done putting in effort for him.”
“Hey. Don’t worry about putting yourself first now. Things will get better with time. Come here.” He wrapped me in a comforting hug, gently stroking my back to ease the pain, unlike the torment I felt walking here.
I had to face the fact that there’s a part of me that desires this, with all the turmoil in my head looking for a way to silence the echoes. The relief he brings. I can’t imagine anyone else making me feel this way. He’s embracing me as if he never intends to let go and I dislike the sense of being held back. But he's here close to me, and his scent is just like when we first met. I noticed that I instantly recognize his perfume as soon as he deliberately sat next to me and asked if I was alright. I disliked the way he did that.
I gently lifted my head and gazed at him, a tear still on my cheek not knowing what was going to happen next. I focused on his lips and then gently touched my lips to his. The kiss lingered for a few seconds and I was bewildered by what I was doing. I didn't realize it until I slowly opened my eyes and saw his face turn red with a look of clear surprise, as if questioning what had come over me. “Oh my—” I was about to yank away from him with all my might, just to slap myself in embarrassment. Instead of pushing me away, he drew me even closer, our faces just inches apart, while I was still breathing heavily and Sam appeared completely calm and unbothered, as if this is normal.
He softly touched his lips to mine, moving slowly and letting me feel the warmth of his kiss once more. I kept my eyes wide open throughout our kiss, breathless from the intensity of the moment. Despite that, I attempted to move my tongue to meet his, but realizing it wasn’t right, I chose to stop myself from seeking more. He took a brief pause before resuming the kiss, gently caressing my arms and sending an electric thrill through my entire body.
“Sam. . .”
I spoke under my breath, holding his neck with both hands in a firm grip making him yearn for me more. I can see that he craves more.
“I can't believe I'm kissing you, Cari.”
He grasped my waist gazing at me intently, and suddenly his eager lips formed a different kind of smile. How could it be this perfect? He fixed his gaze on mine, gradually drew his face nearer and began kissing me repeatedly. I liked it. I cherished the idea of us kissing now, as it brings me a sense of calm where I can fully surrender. My mind feels almost blank and all I can think about is him. His body remained pressed against mine throughout the entire night. I want to feel him. He laid his hand on my chest, making it clear that I shouldn't doubt or feel regret over this moment. He moved his touch all the way down to my thighs both hands caressing them gently that made me bit my lip. His touch traveled down to my thighs, with both hands tenderly exploring, causing me to nip at my lip. “Does it feel good, Cari?” His touch traveled down to my thighs, with both hands tenderly exploring, causing me to nip at my lip. His gaze lingered on my chest once more, as if silently pleading for me to undress further. I complied. I removed all my upper garments, causing him to let out a soft gasp. He began to kiss my neck deliberately trailing his lips lower, making me blush with the sensation. I craved his touch everywhere. His lips were on both sides of my chest, savoring each kiss and making me gasp more loudly, pulling his head closer. “I want you.” I spoke in my usual tone, closing my eyes to fully experience each touch and the way his tongue explored my skin.
Each gentle press of his lips sends waves of pleasure through me, making my heart pound even faster. It’s as though his kiss is awakening something deep within me, a part of me that has longed for this connection. His hands find their way to my back, pulling me closer, and I can feel the heat of his body against mine.
