I needed to get out, so I did. I'm putting in a lot of effort to breathe properly and calm myself. Despite of what's happening, I still desire acceptance. Acceptance of his death and the truth of being left on my own. However, I couldn't fight back the tears, I cried so hard that my pain screamed louder than anything else. Tyrone is standing right outside the door, uncertain whether he's experiencing empathy or if he's just showing pity towards me. Regardless of what it is, I'm feeling more ashamed of myself. “A-all these years. . .”
“I’ve made up fake stories in my mind and what did it cause me? How am I supposed to handle this? This life is a fucking mess!” Tyrone stood next to me, also facing the dark streets of the road.
“Don't blame yourself, Cari.” He spoke it in a low voice. “Nobody should ever have to face something like that.”
I've built an imaginary reality in my mind out of fear. I'm just too terrified. I don't know where to find the strength to get through this, I can hardly face this now that it has all become clear to me. I never sought any help because I believed I was better off on my own. That I'll always deal with this alone. It's hard to believe that I spent my time creating this in my mind instead of reaching out for help.
“I've always thought you were brave, you know.” He said, turning his head toward me. “Do you remember the time that you stood up for me against the bullies?” If he's trying to make me feel better it probably won't work considering how awful I feel at the moment, but I nod from what he said. He was very different from me when we were kids. He was funny, spends a lot of time playing and I'd probably describe him as a bit quirky too, but I suppose every child was. I nearly got into a big fight from defending him. It just really angers me when I witness other kids getting hurt for simply being kids. Even now, if I witness such situation, I'm consumed by rage and my first impulse is to think about violence. I know it's not cool for me to say it but it's just not right for any kid to go through that. “You didn't even think twice.”
“What’s your point?”
“You had my back.” He said, “And I want to be here for you now. I'm here for whatever you need. Just let me help you, Cari.”
“I-I don't know how to fix this.” I finally faced him too and shed even more tears. This time he came closer to me and held me tightly into his arms. “I’m still scared, Tyrone. I don't wanna be alone.” I lifted my head to gaze into his eyes, showing my fear.
“Cari.” I looked up at the sound of footsteps approaching our direction. The moment Sam and I locked eyes, he walked faster and embraced me right when I got to my feet. As soon as he wrapped his arms around me, my chest started pounding. I may not have expected him but I'm really glad he appeared. “Hey, are you okay? What happened?” Sam instantly turned to face Tyrone who's now standing behind me. “Who are you?”
“I-It’s okay. He's a friend—”
“I’m Tyrone, we both grew up in this village. And you?” Sam was about to respond to him but turned to look at me instead. He touched my head then moved down to my neck, and finally to both of my arms as if checking every part of me carefully. When he realized I was shaking his expression turned even more worried.
“Let’s go home, Cari.” The important work event happening tomorrow suddenly crossed my mind. Everything is already settled. I'm just worried about how I'll manage it considering just the thought of tomorrow feels a lot and heavy. But there's no turning back at this point. What matters to Sam matters to me as well.
I turned to face Tyrone again, “I need to go. We'll talk soon, okay?” He flashed me a half smile following with a nod indicating he understands.
I understand if Sam didn't really feel like talking to me earlier and I also didn't expect him to come to my rescue tonight either, but he barely spoke during our walk to his house. I could only hear the sound of our footsteps and the silence around us. We walked side by side the entire time, yet he remained silent until we reached his house. I intended to go straight to my room and just process everything in my mind, but when I asked him how he was, he didn't really respond. I figured he's not okay. Instead of asking me multiple questions now he just poured me a glass of tea. It wasn't a favorite of mine but I accepted. “You needed to talk to someone?” He suddenly asked me just when I have finally sat on the couch.
“He just appeared to me unexpectedly.” That's the only thing I said. I'm not sure if now is the best moment to discuss the lies I've told him. I’m certain it was just my imagination when he met my father and had dinner at our house. I have no clue how it all ended up in my thoughts.
“What were you guys talking about?”
“Not much.”
“What were you guys doing infront of your house?” It was as though the ambiance around us changed in an instant.
“It’s a long story. I should probably go to bed.”
“Stay, Cari.” I was just about to stand when I noticed his expression had changed. “I think it's time the two of us talk.”
I sat down again and leaned against the couch. I breathed shakily, my mind overthinking the upcoming situation. Sam is now also sitting across from me, unable to understand what he's thinking. “Is there something you want to tell me, Cari?” His tone when he says my name sounds like there’s a lot on his mind and I don't know where to begin. I don't exactly want to talk about everything.
“I. . .” It's the only thing I managed to say again. Hesitation now fills me. Perhaps now is the moment to tell him everything. What more could I possibly lose? He already knows me. He knows how the impact of my past led me to where I am now. “I’m sorry. I—” I took another deep breath only to find myself more tears flowing. “I’m sorry I lied, Sam. I know you probably think I'm crazy like what other people says—but—I also found comfort with that.”
“All those lies—I liked how in control I am with them.” I couldn't stop sobbing, using both of my palms to clear away the tears. “I'm ashamed to admit it, but I can't accept the thought of being abandoned. So—so I made myself believe that—oh god, it hurts so much.” I got up and started pacing back and forth, my hands on my head as I realized I was sweating. “It’s all in my mind. I figured there was no chance you'd meet my dad because he's gone but I couldn't stop replaying it in my head like it really happened.”
“I know I need help. I just don't want to.” I turned to see Sam heading in my direction. I immediately thought he would pull me into his arms but instead, he gently placed both of his hands on my face. I couldn't avoid his gaze. I can now see his expression soften, filled with concern. I don't like putting all of this on his shoulders. “I’m sorry.” Tears kept falling. I'm broken, ashamed of myself and I don't want the only guy I have feelings for to see me like this all the time. If only I could wish to erase all the awful memories of my life up to this point from his mind, I would.
“No matter what happens, you're not alone, Cari. I'm right here with you.” He said with full of certainty in his eyes. “Just please let me help you, okay?”
“I-I don't even know how to help myself.”
“We'll figure it out. Together, right?” He wrapped me in his arms, gently patting my head. Everything is making me feel so tired. I closed both of my eyes slowly, Sam's presence still comforting me. I just know I'm safe here. I also know he was present the entire time. I was just not familiar with fixing myself.
