I had to get out of bed so early in the morning because of this headache I have, not allowing me a chance to take the rest that I need. This headache is making me nausea as well that I thought perhaps I'm in need of food. I got some eggs and a beef bacon from the refrigerator along with a milk I found that looked new to me so I had to try it. Noticing the clutter I made just literally making an easy morning meal makes it evident to see that I can't be a cook inside the house. As soon as I'm finished I prepared myself a breakfast I don't normally have particularly first thing in the morning, knowing it's just my earliest nap right after the sunlight starts to take place. Though I'm working on that. I hadn't finish the food when my gut couldn't take any more bites considering the feeling is very new to it.
I'm feeling slightly better and less ill now that I decided to actually eat something. Whatever happened late last night instantly came to my mind. The make out we did on his couch and the extreme passion we're both feeling with each other. Now that it occur to me I'm feeling progressively embarrassed and more self conscious, because it was me who engaged the move first of kissing him when I was just supposed to stay for the night until I find a place for myself. For the time being. However, I had to admit that Sam was the only one that came to my mind when I needed to escape. His comfort. But because of his concern to me and my emotions being mixed up, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted something to stop me from going crazy. And it happened.
“How can you let your intrusive thoughts get in the way.” I whispered to myself with a heavy sigh. “How could you do something like that?”
I knew that once I started talking to myself I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and panic inside. I was just like that habitually when I was in high school everytime I had to do something I don't normally do, the stream of nervousness starts rushing in my system that makes my voice crack and my entire presence visible to everyone is mortifying for me. When I had to show something in the class about a presentation of my household and I just couldn't think of a better way to present it to everyone, I ran away before I rattle myself even more. When someone in the class before was taunting me so I punched him on the face that gave him marks, not just once but two times, in the end it became my fault. But he definitely deserved that. When I couldn't even attend the class just for the sake of me being there because I don't wanna deal with individuals and the academic work, I'd go directly inside the bathroom and murmur to myself. Each time my body feels physically drained and my mind feels like it's going to burst at any point, the only thing I do is talk to myself which makes me paranoid at times.
I was just about to stand from where I was seated the whole time I think back to my high-school years when I heard a door open, and the gentle tread from a little distance and I can tell he prefers having bare feet, despite the cold ground. I nearly dropped this cup of milk when it perceived to me that I'm still in Sam's place and at any moment, I know there's nothing I can do to avoid him.
“You’re early.” I pretended to be occupied by cleaning whatever's on the table just so he wouldn't notice something awkward in me. “We can take the time off from work today. After all, we still have a few more days before the timeframe approaches.”
“Y-yeah.” I answered, still not facing him.
“You made breakfast.” He said in a tad disbelief tone that made me just nod. I'm clearly not trying to make a conversation here with him, I'm trying to prevent the two of us talking about what happened last night. “Did you regret about last night, Cari?”
This is not just simply avoiding him. This is my feelings developing deeply for him, not just when you like someone because of something in particular with them that you like, but because you know things are starting to change in you each time when you're together and I hated myself to reveal that at this moment. There’s a reason alone why I'm not able to face him directly when I usually do but that's just when during work, the reason behind it is because I'm starting to like him. I'm beginning to like a guy. Not just some guy. He was the only person who was fearless enough to speak to me when I appeared to look like deranged in the sides of the road. When I freak out that ultimately turns into a break down at each time we would meet. When he knows I can be really difficult and a lot of work but instead of ignoring me, he even offered me a job and somewhat patched me in some ways he never knew he did.
“No.” I quietly answered and slowly turned to face him filled with uncertainty. “It’s even more disturbing that I did that shortly after my dad and I h-had a conflict.”
“All I could think about is how perfect it was, Cari.” I look into Sam's both eyes with close attention beginning to absorb every single thing that had happen, since the day that we came across each other until last night. He has always been real and genuine to me when I believed that he's just a man doing all the things that he should do, but this time I realize that he did all the things for me that I never knew could even possibly happen to me from the start. “Give us a chance.”
“Us?”
“You and me, Cari. Give us a chance to work.”
“A-are you asking to be in a relationship with me?”
He nod in return and walked slow towards me. “How about we just give it a try?”
“That’s not a simple question, Sam.”
“I’m not rushing you. I would never.”
Perhaps it's the meal that made my abdomen feel weird in a way that I don't even understand, the feeling of nausea coming back and something in my gut clenching. Perhaps rather of moving on from the events last night, I'm right in front of him having a conversation about us when the sunrise just started to appear, and being new with all the morning sickness and talking. I'm not saying we shouldn't talk about it considering I know what happened won't just vanish from our heads. However the mornings are making me feel horrible. “Can we not skip work today?”
“Can we not shift into a different subject?”
I was anticipating he wouldn't mind answering that but he seems to really wanna talk about it and his reply caused me to clear my throat on purpose. I wasn't also deciding to get rid of work today because I feel that my head wouldn't work well in the absence of making myself hectic and occupied. “You know what, let's talk about it later. You're not up for it right now, I understand.”
I bit my lip trying to avoid the truth that I'm feeling dissatisfied about myself because I feel further unhappy for Sam. He was hoping for answers and I couldn't even let him have that. I made him believe that there was something then totally desert him with questions in his own roof. There is something. A whole lot more than just something. “I’ll get some works done.”
“I already did. I wasn't tied up the entire day yesterday so I decided to just accomplish yours.” It's not surprising that he actually prefers to get it done immediately. The 6 months of us working together is a proof that although he gave me a seperate task to do, he's still the one finishing it. Uncertain if there's some distrust with me there or just wants to diminish my job for me. Couldn't really have a dispute with him about that, it's way better that I won't have to deal with significant effort and then have my head filled with numerous thoughts. “Maybe clean my place for me?” He better not be joking because right now I'm eager for any work and finish it right away.
“Please. You can't even refrain from getting my work done for me.” He smiled. There was a period of silence and a moment of locking eyes between the two of us.
“I might need some time, Sam.” And I finally said.
