I went straight to the bookshop after a few pottery classes with Laurel owned by my old schoolfellow who we call Ash. Had a brunch together and some small talk particularly about people we didn't like in the past. I would say he was someone like me back in the old days but now I'm glad to know that his business is doing well. Laurel and I don't normally plan activities together given that I only remain at home before, and she's always occupied at the university where she studies entrepreneurship and with her dancing, it's unlikely to engage in anything together. In addition to that, she couldn't really force me to do anything. However now that things changed, I'm definitely loving the idea of going out and treating myself once in a while. Although wandering at the mall for extra hours with Laurel can be quite exhausting, it's not too bad now. I also made up my mind to set foot inside the parlor and have my hair fixed. There was so many choices, but I chose something I never really pictured myself with, they had to make it short, perfectly aligned with my neck measure and had it uncurl with a wavy style that falls at the end of my hair.
“You want to place anything in display at home?” Sam is now holding several books from different writers that I can tell, looking exactly like the sort of book covers I would commonly admire. He's been deliberately bothering me about how I enter this place yet I don't read every bit or even purchase something, it's preposterous for him to think about. “Let me atleast buy you a single book.”
“Whatever, Sam.” I continued walking in the aisle of book racks looking over some brand new casebound that arrived here one day ago. People were lined up for this considering it's all in good shape and actually inexpensive, I'm in luck there are still some left.
I have always been familiar with the reality that I can only value its form and hold it with genuine admiration. Nothing’s wrong with that. This place is my refuge, my regular environment although individuals would find it uncommon to just gaze at it and express it as not normal. The music from the speaker doesn't blare not similar with our neighbor's next door that makes me think they don't even sleep, the lamps here have been the kind of light I would want to put in my own home, the upper floor has this wide space for people to read, I've seen people nap here that customers would suddenly hear Nathan throw them out. I dropped off at one time before and the first thing I saw was Nathan organizing books people left at the reading desk. The intention I only had was to conceal myself and pretend I was reading, during one of those days that I'm in a really poor state of my life in the corner. He didn't say anything about it, until such time he revealed to me that he's somewhat nervous around me. I never asked why. I didn't think I show people that kind of intimidation, perhaps I was mistaken again.
“You wanna get some food before work?” Sam stood closely beside me and patted my head like I'm some adorable little kid he just met and he keeps doing it. Literally without warning that puts me in struck. He would casually just hold me or rest his hands on my thigh and shoulder. I'm still getting used to that. “We can order some take out, just how you like it.”
A take out would be good. Not in a way that I'm famished but I'm quite certain I haven't eaten any food today, not even since after I woke up. Food is not really the first thing that spring to mind in the morning but the prolonged glance at my ceiling pondering about how I'm wide awake at 6 am. It's two things: Sam and the change I want for myself. Apart from Sam reminding me every midnight in a text to shut my eyes, he also gives me a heavy workload during the day so I get the ease my body needs at night that ultimately force me to get extra sleep. “Your treat?”
“Always.” He answered in whisper.
It's been a whole three weeks since the time that I chose to stay with Sam. As I recall I stated to him that the setting would only be momentary until I find my own apartment. It became hopeless for me. Though money wasn't really the issue, I found it complicated to look for any lease that would be suitable for me. Every swipe for a certain location I see a hindrance. There was one that I quite like but then it was awfully distant from the village. There was a low-price adequate space as well however the place itself is in need of some repair, even the renovations are over priced now. Sam and I eventually talked about it and both had the resolution to stay with him until I have certainly decided that things are really better for me. I like staying with him, but perhaps living together is not a part of the change yet.
I've been having these vivid torment dreams for several days now, it happens when I'm in a deep sleep. It abruptly appears in my mind how terrible my existence is given that I was abandoned. Literally all alone. Both of my parents are gone and it's like willfully happening to me. It wants to punch me with the reality over and over again. I don't have the intention on telling Sam, this relationship we have is going to a good place, I hope. I wouldn't want the nightmare to be something strange that he'll think of me.
“It’s weird. I would usually be thrilled for work but—I don't feel like going tomorrow.”
We have a shoot collaboration at a resort for a couple of days starting tomorrow, it's a 2 hour drive from here. I'm honestly hoping I don't ruin packing my things up considering I have a slightly troublesome when organizing. “You okay?” I'm in between to shook my head but then there was the reservations, all the discussion with the clients and executive, the preparations and Sam's eagerness to do this. Not to mention the amount they offer, it's worth all the effort.
“Yeah. It's the sleep. My body is still getting used to it.”
“Admit it, your life has never been better sleeping at the right time."
“Right. I need food.”
After getting some food at Sam's choice of food stall on the sides of the street, we directly went home to complete the target date and to begin packing. He's already done arranging his stuffs giving priority with the equipments more than his pair of clothing. He's got an average suitcase to place all of it and his personal effects on the other. It's still hard to believe that he likes to keep his things shipshape and efficient than any person I know in this world. I wish I could ask him to pack mine instead. “Hey, you sure you're okay?”
I was startled by his voice that made me jump a little and noticing his bothered look with his posture leaning on my door. “Of course.”
“I know you, Cari. I can notice even the slightest bit of changes.”
“Seriously I'm fine.” I smiled faintly at him and grabbed some pair of nightwear ensuring I don't miss packing them. They've made my resting better recently. “What made you think I wasn't?”
“The little things, Cari. On the ride to the bookshop you were completely quiet the entire time in the car. I kept asking questions hoping you'd respond as usual. I tried bringing up topics just so I could see if you're even interested to speak. You just murmured with what felt like a whisper.” I can hear his steps come closer to me as I keep on remembering the things I need to bring with me. “We have this relationship here, right? The two of us, not just me. I'm asking for you to talk to me. Whatever that is, Cari.”
“I couldn't stand seeing you silent, who knows what you think, what you're feeling. I couldn't bear seeing you keeping it all by yourself because I told you, I am now here, Cari. I'm ready to abandon everything at the back of all this just so I could hear you talk about anything.”
