I’ve got a giant backpack and a large piece of luggage to hold all my stuff. I still have nearly half my stuff on the floor, clearly the bags I have, including the one Sam bought me aren’t enough. Packing them all in a box should be no trouble. I still have Sam's clothes in my closet from when I used to borrow them when we slept together, and it bothers me now. Laurel called about an hour ago asking about our theater show preparations, and I’m surprised I didn’t make something up. I told her everything, even though I knew the ticket was expensive and it would hurt her feelings, but I admitted that I couldn’t go with Sam while feeling this way.
I’m packing my things with tears streaming down my face because I’ve decided to finally leave tonight. I simply can’t stay in this place knowing how much I’m hurt. A knock at the door interrupted me, but it didn’t stop me from packing my things into the box. “Cari, don’t do this, please.”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you and for what my mom said. Those things aren’t true, Cari.”
“Sam, the reality is that everything she said is true.” I've mentioned before that the truth of my past is here to stay, and I've made peace with it. I don't pay attention to what people say anymore because I’m done with their whispers and speculation. Their allegations that I was responsible for my dad's suicide are false and meaningless to me because it wasn't the truth. Maybe I said those things to him in the past, but we were both broken. I can handle other people's opinions, but hearing those things from my boyfriend's mom was on a whole different level. I considered that perhaps they might be the ones closest to family. I hoped we could form a real connection and that I’d finally get to experience having a family once more. “Thanks for standing up for me, Sam, but you can’t hold me back now.”
I never anticipated that his mom would act this way, especially since I expected her to be as understanding and kind as Sam. You can never really know someone based on anything. “This isn’t about my mom.” What he said caused me to stop packing.
“I’m done with all the fighting. A new issue arises every time and perhaps moving out is for the best.”
“We wouldn't be facing this problem if you had been upfront—”
“I’m not sleeping with him, Sam!” I spoke so loudly that even I was startled by the force behind my words. Tears welled up once more as I thought about everything that happened today, on my birthday. I know I said my birthday isn't a big deal, but it shouldn't have turned out like this. I expected it to be completely uneventful and ordinary. If I had known it would be this gloomy, I wouldn’t have gotten up when Sam tried to wake me. I should have just gone back to bed. “I-I struggled to maintain my patience with you today. I tried to be empathetic when you pushed me away and said you needed space. I respected the space you asked for, Sam. I stayed calm with your mom when she said those things because I know she just needs to get to know me better. I ended up going to my therapist right away because I didn't anticipate you abandoning me after our argument.”
I inhaled deeply while tears continued to stream down my face. “I'm feeling very tired today, Sam. Just let me pack in peace, please.” I glanced in his direction and saw him struggling to hold back his tears. Even crying feels exhausting right now.
“You're right, Cari. I can't stop you, and I won’t be the one to hold you back.” His words made me cry even harder. “I'll always be here for you, no matter what.”
I felt a strong urge to go to him and hold him tightly. That was the final thing he said before exiting my room and shutting the door. I found myself in the middle of my unpacked things, in tears. I’m going to miss everything about his place. The early morning wake-up because he wants me to have breakfast, my persistent efforts to convince him to take a morning walk in the park, knowing we don't get much exercise, our late-night takeout when we're both working because we don't have time to cook or go grocery shopping. I’ll miss every bit of it. I’ll miss my spontaneous laughter when he does something amusing and how he always tells me I'm beautiful when I smile. I know this isn’t a farewell, we shouldn’t end things over this. Even young couples manage to stay in love when separated or nearby. But perhaps for the time being, we need a bit of distance from each other. I can always visit him whenever I feel down. Looking back on it now, it doesn’t seem that difficult. I keep asking myself why he can’t just accept this and continue being together. Why is it so tough for him to accept this?
