Of unsound mind.

Part 13

My sessions.

I would meet with Doctor Richards with my dads on Tuesdays, and had my own sessions on Thursdays or Fridays, I decided to really open up to him about how I felt about PJ, when I was with my parents, but when it was just me, I told him about my sexual habits.

Why do you feel you need to be punished, Doctor Richards asked me as he was writing on his note pad. I told him because I'm still here and PJ's gone, I reminded him how my grandmother stole me from the hospital when I was born, even then I felt like something was missing from my life at an early age, and later I found out I had a twin brother he was that part of me, that was missing.

And now that part of me is gone, he said but I have a life and it seems from what I told him everything was about PJ, but from what my parents told him we were treated equal, so I made Pierre James my everything and now I'm feeling guilty that he's not here and deep down I'm afraid of really living my life.

 I told him I had to live my life after PJ went to that place, he asked me am I ashamed of my sexuality, I hollered no I am a gay man, he asked me than why am I raising my voice, I said was I.

Chandler you can't feel guilty about who you are, he said after writing down his notes, I told him once PJ thought something was wrong with him for not liking the same sex, he knows my dads are gay and so is my older brother and he has a husband.

He asked me about my relationship with Manny, I told him I love my brother we get along very well; he also asked me is it because we both like the same sex, I told him no, just like I loved PJ his sexuality had nothing to do with me loving my brother. 

Chandler do you hate your brother for what he did to your life?

 I said yes, I mean no, he said which is it. I can't hate him he's my brother, Doctor Richards asked me deep down is there some resentment towards PJ, because he came in between Blake and I, and I told him how I felt about Blake, and not to mention the other people in my life that I cared about. PJ always did something to get them out of my life, he wanted me to be the only one in his life other than our parents.

Yes, yes, I hated my brother, is that what you wanted to hear, he said it's not about what he wanted to hear, it's about how I really felt about PJ doing that to me. And I feel guilty because I allowed him to do those things not just to other people but myself. He asked me has PJ ever done anything to me sexually, I told him no he's my brother that's sick.

He said okay, my time is up he wrote out another appointment with me on Friday, he told me to think about why I still feel guilty and that I needed to be punished. I got up and walked out, I got in the elevator and held back the tears, damn why did he have to ask if PJ did things to me sexually. The elevator doors opened, I stepped out I saw that kid from the bathhouse, he saw me and took off running, just for fun I chased him to the parking garage and caught up with him trying to get in a car, he said don't hurt him, I told him I'm not, damn he's a fast runner.

He reached in his pocket and said take his money, it's only twenty bucks, he can send me the rest. I told him I don't want his money, I asked him is this his car, he said yes, I told him from his car he didn't need my money either so what's up. And what's his name and don't lie I can find out from his plates.

Okay I'm Keith, he said Keith what, I told him Richards, he asked me am I related to Doctor Richards in this building, I said yeah that's my father please don't tell him where we met or that I took your money.

Keith calm down, I won't tell, he said if I know his dad is in that building am I his patient, I told him something like that, I told him if he helps me, I won't tell his dad where we met, I did ask him how old he is, he said eighteen he's not lying he reached for his wallet, and showed me his I.D. he wasn't lying he looks younger.

Keith said if I want him to fuck me, we'll have to meet at the bath house later, I told him no I'm good, and most times I do the fucking, he said I'm not fucking him he saw the size of my dick, I told him I don't want to fuck him at least not right now. I told him if he can get me in his dad's office and let me see what he writes about me, we'll be even. He said that's easy he knows where his dad keeps a spare key to his filing cabinet, all we have to do is wait in his mom's office she's a head doctor too they have connecting offices, he has a key to her office.

 I asked him how that is having both parents being head doctors as he calls it, Keith said anything he does they analyze him, so he tries to stay out of trouble, I asked him do they know about his sexuality, he said they know, and he'll just leave it at that. He told me to duck down his dad just got in his car, we watched his dad get into his car and drive away, he said now we can go up.

We got on the elevator and went to his mom's office, he opened the door to his father's office, Keith got the key, and I went through his files until I found mine, Keith said anything we talked about today won't be in those files, his father types his notes up later, I need his notepad. I went through his desk and found a note pad with my name on it, I took it out and read what he wrote about me, it said patient is in denial of having any sexual contact with his brother, he finally said he hates his brother which from our sessions I knew, but just had to get it out of the patient. Now we can start on him dealing with his sexuality, and living for himself will continue in our next session.

 I looked at some of his other notes on me, it read I consulted with Doctor Stevens on Pierre James Lattimore, and he told us how he made his brother give him oral sex, and he penetrated him several times asking his sibling does he still want to be gay. Damn PJ told them what he did to me, my mind went back to that, PJ told me if I ever told anyone what he did he'll tell them it was me who made him do those things to him, and our parents would send me away, so I never told.

All this time Doctor Richards knew this about me, Keith said we have to go the cleaning people will be here soon to clean the office, he locked the file cabinet and I put the notepad back and we left. On the elevator Keith asked me what I found out, I told him what I already knew, we got off the elevator, Keith asked me when I am going back to the bath house, I told him I'm not, and he needs to stay out of that place, he's cute he can find someone. He said so am I, how about we exchanged numbers I don't know why but I did and left. I never did ask Keith what he was doing there.

 I got in my car and drove away, I know Doctor Richards can't tell my dads what we talk about, I hated PJ because he told me he loved me, deep down I knew it was more than a brother should love his brother, that's why PJ didn't want anyone else around me in that way. I lied to Keith and went to the bath house, only this time I fucked three dudes and never busted a nut, I wanted to pretend they were PJ, and I was punishing him.