My daughter -The Rookie

12- Nightmares

I woke up with someone shouting at me. I tried to open my eyes but they were already open. I looked right into a small but bright light in front of me. I looked around, completely disoriented until my eyes met Tim's. He was sitting next to me on the ground and he was holding me by my wrists. I had my hands in front of my chest and I noticed how heavily I was breathing. My body was shaking and my cheeks were wet. It happened again. It's been a long time since the last outburst but it happened again. I looked around the room, still not knowing where I was. I remembered that I was staying with Tim, but this wasn't his guest room. It wasn't even his room, it was the living room. I was sitting on the rug in front of the couch and Tim was sitting next to me. Ashamed, I broke down in tears when I noticed the small cutting knife in front of me on the little table. Next to that was a burning candle. It was one of the candles I took out of the guest room last night. Tim pressed me against his chest, comforting me as I cried. I had no idea what I was saying but I kept on mumbling something. 'I'm sorry.' Was the first, understandable, thing that I got out of my mouth. 'It's okay, you're safe with me.' Tim whispered, stroking my hair.

I cried as I tried to remember what had happened in my dream but nothing came up, I couldn't remember a single thing. I couldn't remember why I was in the living room with a knife in front of me instead of sleeping peacefully in bed. Tim said something to me but I wasn't listening. 'Lucy.' He said, letting me go a little so he could look me in the eyes. 'Are you okay? What happened?' He asked. I was still processing it myself so talking wasn't really one of the options. My gaze drifted off to the candle on the table in front of me. The candle was about one feet away from me, but it was still too close by for my liking. The candle had been burning for a while, I saw. The wax was already dropping on the table. I had been sitting in front of it for at least an hour but I now felt the fear. The fear I always felt when the realization hit. I tried to expand the distance by crawling closer to Tim. I had no idea what I was doing when I buried my face in his chest. My body, still shaking from the fear, collapsed into his arms. He held me and waited until I was a little calmer. He talked to me, softly, as we rocked back and forth.

'T- the c- c- c- candle.' I stuttered, still visibly bothered by it being there. 'The candle. Is it bothering you?' Tim asked, his voice caring and soft. I nodded and I felt how Tim removed one of his hands off my back. He let out a big sigh and then the room got way darker. I let all the air out my lungs with a small sigh. 'That better?' He asked and I nodded again. I pulled away a little to get my breath back. 'Okay, do you know what happened?' He asked, trying to make eye contact with me. I looked in his concerned eyes, mine were red and tired. I bit my lip as I shook my head.

'I woke up and I heard sounds so I thought something happened. When I went to check on you, you were gone. I found you here next to the couch, with the candle already on and the knife next to you. You were just staring at it and I watched until you went to grab the knife. That is when I stopped you. I think you were sleepwalking.' He explained and I nodded. I already had my suspicions. I had done it a couple times before but that was always when I was alone or with my mom. 'Have you sleep walked before?' I heard Tim ask. 'A couple times. But never like this.' I answered, pointing at the knife and candle in front of me. My voice was trembling as I fought against the tears.

'Okay, well we can talk about this later. Come on, let's get you back to bed.' Tim said after a few seconds. My heart sunk through the floor. The fear of falling back asleep and this happening again was overwhelming but I still took Tim's hand and he pulled me up. I think he could feel how scared I was because he didn't let go of my hand until we were in his room. 'Come on.' He said, pointing at one side of the bed. Even though I knew he meant for me to lay down there. I hesitated. 'Are u sure.' I looked at him, hopeless. 'Yes, I'm not gonna have you sleep alone. I can see how scared you are.' He insisted so I eventually did what he asked. He laid down next to me. There were still a couple inches between us as we both tried to fall asleep.

After fifteen minutes, I was still awake, scared to fall asleep. I was staringEverytime I closed my eyes, I saw things from yesterday that I didn't want to remember. I didn't even noticed I had started crying again until I felt the tears roll down my nose into my ear. I quickly whipped them away but the tears caused my breathing to tremble. I saw how Tim turned his head towards me but I couldn't look back at him. I heard how he moved and then I felt his hand under my chin. He slowly lifted my head up so I had to look at him. 'Talk to me.' He said softly but I shook my head. 'Are you scared?' Removing his hand from my chin. It was like he was reading my mind and I nodded, Laying down on my . 'Every time I close my eyes, I see her... Just laying there... Her lifeless body.' I started explaining, another tear fell out my eye. 'Come here.' He said, pulling me into a hug. We hugged for a while until I pulled away. It was quiet for a moment, until I couldn't hold it in anymore.

'Did you know I have Pyrophobia?' I asked Tim, my voice quietly as I looked down at my, still, burned hands. 'Sorry, I don't know what that is.' He apologized. I looked up and stared at him. 'I- It's the extreme fear of fire. People with pyrophobia are often scared when they see fire in any form, such as a campfire or even by candle flames. The fear expresses itself in different ways. For me it is body freezing and panic attacks, depending on the situation.' I explained, not looking at him. 'Wait... You fear fire but you burn yourself?' Tim asked, confused and I understood why. 'It's like a way to punish and help myself. I'm relieving the mental pain by alternating it with physical pain while I'm punishing myself for doing it.' I responded. 'I'm so sorry, you don't need to think like that.' He said and I shrugged my shoulders.

For one moment, nothing happened until I felt Tim's arms around me again. After a while, I tried to pull away again, but he wouldn't let me go so I just put my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me. Normally, I hated physical contact with people other than my mom. Even my former boyfriends weren't allowed to touch me without asking, but Tim was different. Instead of wanting to push him away, I only wanted him to hold me closer. Maybe it was because of everything that happened or maybe I just wanted someone to be with me for my safety. But something in me just wanted Tim to stay with me, forever. Luckily he did, for now, and I quickly drifted asleep in his warm and safe arms.