Sonder

Chapter 22

A soft humming could be heard, the warm gentle light illuminated the darkest corners of the room.

A silver ring glimmer under the light, the water on the sink slowly become red as it washed the blood stained knife, Javier meticulously cut and gutted the fish as he planned to cooked Paksiw na isda a dish that Xavian usually cooked for him.

His brown eyes looked at the condiments trying to imitate the way Xavian's cooking taste. He tried tasting it, it's edible but it still doesn't taste like Xavian's cooking.

He rummaged around the fridge trying to find something, anything that could fix it. Did it lack salt? Ginger? Vinegar? Did he not heat it enough?

In the end Javier could only sigh, his hunger seemed to dissipate, a certain numbness spread on his stomach making his lack of appetite worst.

In the end he decided not to eat.

Wiping his hands dry, Javier sat on the couch and admired his home, trying to distract himself from the daily torment of his thoughts.

The wallpapers felt warm, there where two set of mugs on the table and two set of slippers on the door. Making the house looked like it was occupied by two lovers.

It is just as he remembered. He carefully replicate every details of the home he built with Xavian.

From wallpapers to the furnitures,it look exactly the same. The house looked warm and comfortable, just like what he planned with Xavian.

He tried to filed the house with the things Xavian would like to make the house look full and less empty.

Yet, it still feels empty.

Javier's eyes dimmed, his hands habitually went to his pockets. Lips itching to smoke, yet he remembered how Xavian dislike it's smell.

He went to the fridge, Javier unwrapped a strawberry flavored lollipop. He remembered Xavian recommending this before to prevent him from smoking too much a melancholic smile made it's way to his lips.

In the past he used cigarettes to fill the hollowness in his heart, perhaps if he can't have Damian's love he will just drown on this addiction.

Perhaps if he was filled with smoke it will cover the painful traces of the past until it dissipate into nothingness.

Xavian tried to pull him out of this suffering, showering him with endless love and warmth. However, just like a broken vase all of this went down to drain. The cracks on his heart couldn't hold nor cherish the love Xavian gave him.

This time he had gotten rid of the problem, Xavian will surely be happy right? He doesn't need to worry about Damian anymore.

Javier always knew that Xavian love him unconditionally but he took it for granted. He admits that he was just blinded by his so called love for Damian.

Damian might be his first love but Xavian will forever be his last.

Xavain was the only one who love him at his worst. The one who loved him despite all his flaws, Xavian was the only man who lovingly kissed the scars on his heart pouring it with warmth that Javier didn't even deserve.

There would never be anyone who would love him the way Xavian did.

Javier learned from his mistakes, Javier will do anything to repair their relationship and to repent from his sins.

Javier ignored the itching on the back of his throat that urged him to smoke, with a sigh he went to the bedroom.

He sprayed a perfume on the bed and pillows, a familiar scent entered his nose. He wrapped his arms tightly on the pillow to find comfort and solace on the scent of Xavian's perfume.