Pancakes & Butterflies

15. Appetizer

Jiwoong was miserable. He wouldn't accept it, but he was doing no good. After that encounter with Matthew, he felt like shit all the way out. He couldn't even finish the platter, returned wishing to see Matthew again but he knew he'd be an ass again. He couldn't sleep well that night. In the next morning as he went to work, he recalled the sorrowful face the younger made all along. Then at night, he felt lonely again. Hanbin came to accompany him, Gyuvin facetimed him, Taerae sent him long texts but nothing made him feel better. He would constantly think of one little Canadian dude who loved making pancakes.

One day turned to two, two to three. He met Matthew on the hallway again, and that brief eye contact was burnt in his memory. He'd doze off, stare blankly through the day, yet, couldn't conclude that he should stop holding onto the past.

People tried to convince him. Both Hanbin and Zhang Hao, who looked closer than ever. Gyuvin and Ricky, Taerae and even Junhyeon. But there was a rock hard wall of morals inside him- that kept him from following his heart.

But the uncertainty he put up with Matthew was doing the latter no good. After Jiwoong left him that night, he tried to wait. He tried not to talk to Jiwoong, not to bother him. He tried to be rational and patient but every night, his expectation to be reached out would end with long sighs and disappointments. It was hard to accept all that, so after about five days of being at the receiving end of the elder's cold shoulders, he gathered enough courage to finally knock on that door.

Jiwoong's face gave it away that he wasn't expecting Matthew at all. And yeah, he probably felt shocked seeing the younger. Matthew stared at him, and then his neighbor let him in.

It's funny that the decorations hadn't been put down. Minus the cake, everything remained the same as that night, except that the candles weren't lit, the lights were off, and there was no music playing. It automatically brought a sigh out of Matthew who carefully took the couch. Jiwoong let him in, wasn't it a good sign itself?

"Hyung, how have you been?" Matthew asked first. The answer was there, but Jiwoong wouldn't admit. He shrugged and said, "Pretty good." Matthew nodded. He wasn't asked back. Yet, he answered, "I don't know how I'm doing though... You kept me waiting."

It's true. Jiwoong didn't give him anything. Matthew would prefer a clear rejection, maybe some harsh scolding or even a beating but this- no. He hated being kept on the edge of a cliff, hanging by a thin thread.

"How long are you gonna avoid me?" Matthew asked, his voice loud with plea. "Are you still mad at me? Or- or do you hate me so much that you-"

"Matthew, don't you know why I can't talk to you?" Jiwoong interrupted him, "How do you expect me to forget everything and be normal again?"

"I'm not- asking for you to be normal again." Matthew said, "You can be mean to me. You can- not like me, but you can't be doing this to me."

"I'm doing nothing. I'm not bothering you, or talking to you, I'm-"

"Exactly. You're doing nothing. And it's- I feel shitty. You know now I've started regretting to ever tell you all these. Taerae asked me to be quiet. I.. I shouldn't have told you, right?"

"Now you're acting like your honesty makes you a saint?" Jiwoong didn't wanna sound that rude, but he did anyway, "You should have told me all these before I caught feelings for you- so that I can despise you without having to feel guilty about it."

Matthew fell silent. His foxy eyes stared at Jiwoong's ones- left to right. He looked like he heard something wrong, like he didn't believe what he had heard, but it's the truth and he knew it. So with a look of frustration, he asked, "Do you regret falling in love with me, hyung? You hate me that much?"