Have you ever had that feeling when everything you know to be right suddenly seems wrong?
The lights are too bright, the room is too hot, someone's speaking and you know the noises they are making are words but none of them make sense?
I have had that feeling... almost 5 years ago
Just through my driving test, me and my best friend out in our small town, laughing, joking, singing along to the radio and then wham!
Metal hits metal, the entire world spins around your head and when it comes to rest you know nothing will ever be the same again.
Brian Craigen, 18 years old, my best friend since we were 7, we grew up together, we were brothers...
The passenger side of my car took the brunt of the collision so all I can hope is he knew nothing about what happened, that's what I told his family but deep down inside of me I know he knew something felt something
My arm was broken, my knee dislocated, I was cut and bruised and bled everywhere but Brian...
I hear my voice in my head screaming his name.
I remember the way his limbs were twisted at abnormal angles and his face...
And then we began to burn...
Every night since that day I have relived those moments, how he looked, the strange noises he made, the smell...
The driver at fault was drunk, in court he couldn't remember a thing, he couldn't remember seeing my car or my friend that he basically drove straight into.
Brian was nothing to him, not even a memory and that thought has stayed in the corner of my brain, decaying and polluting every part of me, tamed only by the numbing power of alcohol, my best friend and my worst enemy.
"Trav..."
Anwars voice drags me from my thoughts and for once that's the only place I want to be, tucked up in my own head away from the reality of where we are and where we are heading and what we will find when we get there
"Are you going to be okay brother? I know how you are with hospitals" he taps nervously on the steering wheel but doesn't look at me and I'm thankful for that cos I have so much shit swirling in my head right now I know I'm as close to crying as I have been in years
Am I going to be okay?
Fuck knows!
All I know is I have to go, I can't leave her there alone, I can't trust anyone to take care of her properly and not let her slip away. I don't know how I know it but somehow I know I'm the only one that can keep her here
Yup, there's the first tear.
I wipe it away with the back of my hand and curse myself for being so fuckin weak
I don't know what I'm crying for right now
Brian?
Because I had allowed myself to think of him with a sober head for the first time in 5 years?
Taylor?
This girl I barely know but that has entangled herself in every fibre of my being?
Or myself?
Because I couldn't save Brian and I'm on the verge of not being able to save Taylor either
"I didn't know you and Taylor were a thing"
"It's new" I choke out "and private"
"Does Gabe know?"
"I don't know and I don't care" I tap my finger against the glass trying to distract myself from the fear that's building like water behind a dam
"I checked the news, fans are holding a vigil and lighting candles outside the entrance to the hospital, it's pretty bleak"
"She'll be fine" I say determined not to let any other thought enter my head
"They say her heart stopped twice in the ambulance"
"Her heart's so big it could stop 20 times and she'd still be fine" I drill rhythms against the glass as my foot drums on the ground and I stare blindly out the window willing myself to think of something, anything else than where I'm headed and what I'm about to confront
"Do you want me to let security know we're on our way so we get a smooth passage in, no fans and no security checks?"
I nod, knowing if I'm going to do his I have to go straight in and straight to her, a seconds hesitation and I might back out.
The last time I was in a hospital was 5 years ago and I promised myself then that I would never go back into one but then I had to go and get involved with a girl with a psycho father
My blood boils at the thought of him, of the tall, heavy, fat beast of a man stood over her tiny body as her life bled away
I force myself to pack that thought away because I'm beyond sure that it's enough to provoke me to commit murder
"Done, we just have to pull up, stay in the car and we will be escorted in"
"No questions asked about what right I have to be there?"
"I think the name Travis Kelce granted you the right to whatever the hell you wanted, it was a female nurse I spoke to" he chuckles lightly but I just shake my head, no space in it for any more frustration or emotion of any kind.
The rest of the ride is silent apart from the nervous finger tapping of both Anwar and me but as the gates to the hospital finally come into sight my fingers still, as do my feet and I suddenly forget how to breathe
*******************
'Travis, honey, it's mom. The doctor is here, he wants to talk to us'
I shake my head violently
'Travis please calm down'
'Get rid of him mom!' I grab my mother's arm and try to hide behind it. 18 years old and hiding behind my mother as if she were a shield that could protect me from the words I knew I was about to hear
'Mr. Kelce, you were very lucky'
Don't say it, don't you fuckin say it!
'Your friend however, was not'
'NOOOO!' I hear my voice screaming over and over, my mother grabbing me and holding me to her as I thrashed in her arms, trying my hardest to fight her off with my one good arm, trying to tell her I was suffocating, that I couldn't breathe but she was crying just as hard as I was, her body shook as she clung to me, but I couldn't remember how to breathe, I thrashed and thrashed in panic until suddenly I felt my body still and a black dot on the horizon hurtled towards me until I collapsed into my mothers arms
*****************
"Travis?"
I hear Anwar say my name and then repeat it but I can't respond, my entire body feels paralysed as once again my brain seems to completely forget how to breathe
"Travis!" I hear him more panicked as he grabs my face and twists it until I face him "look at me brother, look at me"
I'm looking at him but I see nothing, I hear nothing, I feel nothing just my head getting heavier and heavier and then lighter and lighter
"It's a panic attack Trav breathe with me" He starts taking deep breaths as his hands move to my shoulders "In and out, in and out, come on Travis we have done this before, focus on me man. In and out, in and out"
Suddenly out of nowhere he takes the palm of his hand and hits me hard on the back and I finally let out a large puff of air before desperately trying to catch my breath. My eyes closing and my heart thumping hard
"I can't do this" I gasp "Not again, I can't do this again" I drop my head into my hands and let the emotion, the fear and the fatigue drip from my eyes and down over my face
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