"Here... drink this"
She puts a glass of water in front of me and I reach out to pick it up but my hand is trembling so hard that it splashes all over the table top
"What did you take?" She looks down at me and the look of disappointment on her face makes me want to cry all over again
"Just alcohol" I lie as I keep my gaze on the table, scared of the look on her face and even more afraid of her seeing the look on mine
"The girls..."
"Nothing happened Tay I swear!" I reach out for her hand but she pulls it away and the rejection causes my chest to pull tight, my eyes burning.
I need her so fuckin much right now.
I need her to hold me and kiss me and soothe me but she's pulling away from me, her face hard and cold and I don't blame her
How many times is she going to have to pick me up off the floor, clean me up only for me to end up back on the floor hours later?
The look on her face tells me her patience is wearing thin and that terrifies me almost as much as my own mind does
"Everyone is saying we've broken up..."
"We haven't, we aren't!" I'm up on my feet but she takes a step back and I can feel her beginning to slip away from me "Taylor... baby... tell me we aren't"
"I can't go on like this Travis"
I reach out and grab hold of her but she pulls away "Baby please, I need you"
"I need you too but you aren't here anymore!"
"I'll do better, I'll be better I promise" I beg her, I don't care what I have to say, what I have to do I'm not losing her. I can't lose Taylor but she just shakes her head
"You say this all the time, promise me you will change that you won't drink again and then the next thing I know.."
"But I mean it this time" I grab her by the shoulders, begging her to believe me this time
"You always mean it and then the hangover fades and we are okay and you go out and do it all over again. How many times are you going to humiliate me in front of the entire world Travis? Do you know how it feels to see the pictures of you drinking, surrounded by other girls, falling out of clubs with other girls?! I can't do it anymore, my heart can't take anymore of it"
She pulls away from me and drops down onto a chair and covers her face with her hands and I drop to my knees at her feet, wrapping my arms around her legs as her body begins to move in time to her sobs
"Baby I'm sorry" I begin peppering the jeans that are pulled tight over her knees and thighs with apologetic kisses "I don't know what I'm doing right now"
"You're destroying us" her voice is quiet and desperate and I hate myself for doing this. Hate myself for drinking when I said I wouldn't, for leaving the club with those girls.
I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but then again drunk Travis doesn't seem to think at all and at the moment all I am is drunk Travis
"Please forgive me. I won't do it again, tell me you forgive me, please Tay, please tell me I can make this right"
"I can't"
I hear it but my brain can't wrap itself around what it means "I was in Miami, with my family, preparing for my album release, I should have been happy and excited but instead I was terrified"
She looks down at me, tears pouring down her face and I feel my own tears begin to fall
"Terrified of picking up my phone, to see what you had done next, to see what everyone was saying about me, about us. Scared in case I got a call to say you were in hospital or even worse..."
I grab her cheeks in my hands "I'm fine. Look at me... Taylor, I'm fine"
"You aren't fine, I'm not fine, this is not fine! Look what you're doing to us!!!"
"I'll stop, I'll fix it"
"But you can't stop Travis, you say it but you just can't do it and this... us... you can't fix this until you stop and I can't... I can't do this anymore! I can't love you as much as I do and watch you do this to yourself"
"I can, I just... I just need you to help me"
She wraps her hands over mine as my heart begins to thump hard as I wait for her next words
"I can't help you anymore"
My stomach drops so hard I have the sudden urge to vomit
"You have to do this for yourself, for you, I can't live like this, with this gigantic ball of anxiety and fear rolling around inside inside of me, just waiting..."
"Taylor don't do this"
"I have to"
"Baby please.." I grab for her face again, begging her to look at me, to see me, to see that I can't be without her, I use my shoulder to wipe the tears that are dripping off my chin and then look into her eyes "I am begging you, do not do this, anything you want me to do, anything you want me to say, I will do anything but don't leave me. Please, please don't leave me, I love you so fuckin much"
"And I love you too!" She cries wrapping her arms tightly around my neck "But I can only be with you sober and you aren't... you can't"
"I will!! For you, for us!"
"It has to be you or it won't work and I can't risk us not working. I'm going to stay in Miami, I leave tomorrow"
"NO! Fuck no Tay, please no!" She's still clinging to my neck and I can feel her tears dripping down my neck but I pull away from her so I can look at her, again using my shoulder to wipe my eyes "Tay... Taylor, Baby! I love you and I need you so much, I know I did this to us but please..."
I want to scream, to drag her into our bedroom and lock her in there with me so she can never leave, I want to hold her and kiss her the way I should have been instead of going out and getting wasted every night
"I'm sorry..."
"No..."
She pulls away from my grip
"Taylor no..."
She picks up her purse
"Baby..."
She turns her back and runs towards the front door and I want to chase after her, to stop her, beg and cry and then realise that's just what I've been doing and it hasn't worked
She's already left me
She's already gone
