I stand at the entrance to the hospital, pull up he hood on my sweater, put on some shades and then throw my shoulders back and begin to walk like I haven't a care in the world.
I am Travis Kelce Of Particular Taste and I fuckin own this place
I smile at the nurses that are trying to get my attention, shake hands with any one that reaches out to me. I must stop and take a hundred photos each person telling me how much they love my music and how talented I am, not one of them taking a second to ask what the fuck I'm doing in a hospital
"You okay?" Asks Anwar, my set back earlier freaking him out more than he will admit but I don't stop walking to answer I just nod my head and follow our guide.
Taylor is in a private room I'm told and as I step out of the elevator on to her floor I can tell this is where the people of privilege are treated because it looks more like a hotel than a hospital and I'm so thankful for that because it's allowing me to keep the memories of 5 years okay trapped in the back of my mind
"She has a police guard" the nurse suddenly tells me "he will have a few questions for you and you will be subject to a pat down before he will let you in"
I nod and then crack my knuckles of each hand before heading around the corner and seeing a large white door that is closed and has a cop standing outside of it and i can feel the panic begin to swirl in my guts once again
"You gonna be okay? Asks Anwar once more and I nod silently as he pats my back and then takes a seat on a nearby chair.
I don't tell him that my guts are twisting and turning, that I have bile running like acid from my stomach to my throat, I don't tell him that I'm counting each breath because I feel like I'm on the verge of hyperventilating, I definitely do not tell him that I'm terrified to step into that room, terrified to face Taylor in case it forces me face to face with with my past, but I hear her voice, feel her touch, remember that she tended my wounds and lay with me and that is probably what caused her to end up in here.
Now is not the time for guilt, that will come later, now is the time to bury the past and focus on my future, or what I hope will become my future
"Kelce to see Swift" I announce and the cop turns to me slowly and then looks me over before breaking into a massive grin
"My kid's a massive fan. Can I get a selfie?"
I swallow down my panic and then force a grin "Of course" it's the last thing I want but I need into that room and I know I have no right to be here.
4 snaps later I'm standing in front of the door. I have permission to push it open but my arms won't move, my breath stutters it's way from my chest to my mouth but I just hold it there unable to let go
"You are free to enter" says the cop and I try and nod but my head just bobs up and down of it's own accord.
Finally I reach out a hand, embarrassed by how it trembles as I take hold of the handle and then turn it, begging my brain to stay in the here and now, scared that this is too much without the burden of 5 years ago,
I walk into the room slowly, closing my eyes and fighting against the memories the smell is provoking
Me... lying in a hospital bed
My mother... the doctor...
I heave a deep breath into my chest and hold it there begging myself to stay calm, trying to convince myself that Taylor would do this for me, had done similar for me the day I had turned up hurt at the studio
Walking towards the bed I can't help but choke out a sob.
There she is...
So tiny...
So pale...
So wounded
I find myself moving more quickly than I expected to her bed side, grabbing up her hand and then dropping my head onto her wounded chest
"My God Tay..." a sob catches in my chest as I massage the back of her limp hand
I lie against the warmth of her body for a moment before I lift my head and take in the machines. These are keeping her alive, keeping her warm
I raise my other hand to her forehead and sweep her hair from her head, tears stinging my eyes my mind seeing nothing but Taylor, chatting, laughing, dancing... kissing and now nothing
Her face is completely still, her skin pale and clammy her eyes shut and her beautiful lips pink and dry
"Taylor..." my voice is a whisper as I clutch her hand tightly in mine, begging her to feel me, to stay with me "Honey it's me, Travis" I sit on the edge of the hospital bed, one hand in mine, the other stroking her hair "This is the first time I've been in a hospital for 5 years, and to get in here I had to call you my girlfriend. I bet you would have loved to hear that, I bet you would have laughed to hear me say the one thing you must have known I was so afraid to say but I was a dick, I know that now, I know when you wake up we have so much to talk about but honey I want you to know I'm here, I'm waiting to talk, I'm waiting to admit I was so wrong about so many things"
The machine she is hooked up to beeps all of a sudden and I jump in surprise but then it seems to fall silent once more
"I don't know what was said between us the last time we were together, I'm sure I was a dick because I was drunk and that always makes me a dick but whatever I said, whatever I did I'm going to make it up to you I promise"
Again the machine beeps, only this time for a little bit longer than before
"I'm so sorry this happened to you Taylor, If it was because of me then baby I am so, so sorry but open your eyes and I will make it up to you"
Suddenly her entire body seems to stiffen and then become loose once again
"Taylor?"
She stiffens, this time for longer and then all of a sudden the machine begins to beep loudly and out of control as once again her body stiffens only this time it doesn't go loose. The frantic beeping continues as the lights around her flash red and suddenly the door crashes open and I'm pushed to one side
Not again...
As I watch the doctors rip the scrubs from her chest and begin compressions I can't stop myself from falling backwards against the wall and sinking to my knees my arms cover my head whilst begging 'please God, not again, please don't let this happen again'
