I sit on my bed, laptop on my knees and so with so much fury running through me I feel as though I might explode
The press...
The fans...
The haters...
They all have one thing in common and that's the complete and utter annihilation of Taylor Swift
There's story after story, post after post detailing why she's so wrong for me.
Story after story post after post comparing her and her body to other girls I 'dated' AKA 'fucked' and I have never known a protective anger like it. I want to hunt each one of these people down and rip them apart with my own hands.
Taylor... my Taylor is the most beautiful, kind, caring, funny girl and she doesn't deserve this, and she doesn't deserve the way I behaved to her earlier either.
She's upset with me, the fact she's gone back to the guest room for the first time since we started having sex is proof of that and I get it, she has enough to deal with right now, her dad is in jail, trying to navigate her career on her own, trying to find somewhere to live the shit all over the press and social media...
Then my heart drops
Has she seen this?
She has to have right? But she hasn't said anything, hasn't seemed effected by it at all but she has to be, this is hideous, it is the complete annihilation of a human being and most of it is based solely on the ways she looks and the way people think a girl I'm with should look
Scrolling trough the photos I have stored on my laptop, I browse through the 'naughty' ones just long enough for my body to show an interest and then go to the selfies, hunting for one in particular and when I find it I can't help but grin
Me, lying on a sun lounger by the pool, wearing nothing but black board shorts and Taylor in a beautiful blue bikini, she's pouting into the camera as I take the shot and I'm looking at her as though she's the most beautiful thing in the entire world and I'm aware that at that moment, to me she was
I pause on that thought, twisting it back and forward in my mind, well aware that this is turning from like in something else, something more far faster than I ever thought it would
Clicking on the photo I upload it to my Instagram account and then think about what I want to say, settling finally on 'The most beautiful girl in the world, fuck you and block you'
I click 'post' without a second thought knowing the hate will come but happy that I stood up for my girl and let everyone out there know they won't spoil what we have and then I begin to worry that I have
I should go to talk to her but I don't know what to say. This arrangement was only supposed to be temporary, in fact I made a huge point of telling her it was temporary but now she's been here a while and we are living together as a couple I kind of like it
It's too much too fast I know it is so I make a promise that in the morning I will apologise and ask about the new place and even offer to go with her to check them out, just as a good boyfriend should, not like he dick I was this evening
Putting my laptop down I turn off my light and then settle down but I can't get comfortable.
Recently Taylor and I would engage in 'night time activities' until we were so exhausted we didn't remember ever falling asleep, but here in my kind size bed without her I feel cold and lonely and alone.
The weight of the decision I made today baring down on me as well as the mess that my relationship with my dad is in and the way everyone's coming for Taylor.
I feel a pressure and an anxiety building in my chest, one I used to wash away with alcohol but since getting Taylor, I'm trying to be different, I'm trying to be better but right now I don't feel better, I feel a mess, like my entire world is closing in around me...
*************
"Travis! Hey! hey!"
I suddenly come too as I recognise Taylors face, close to me in the darkness, her breath on my cheek and my hands in hers.
I push her from me, suddenly aware of my need for air but it's as if my throat is full and no air can rise through it
"Baby it's me, breath for me"
I shake my head, and throw my head between my knees
"No, head up" she holds my chin and lifts my face so I'm gazing at her, stunned by how beautiful she is in the moonlight "Calm down, it's fine, your at home, you're with me, you're safe"
She begins taking slow deep breaths and eventually I find myself mimicking her, filling up my lungs with oxygen and then relaxing as the pressure in my head and my face dissolves
"Are you back?" She asks and all I can do is nod "Are you sure?" I nod again "Travis I was so scared" she hands me a glass of water and I take it and let the cool liquid run over my dry lips and even drier tongue "What happened?"
"I don't know" I admit, my voice rough
"I was asleep and heard you yelling, I was so scared, I thought there was an intruder but then I realised there was only one voice and I ran through and I think you were having some kind of nightmare, you were screaming and crying"
"What did I say?"
"Not much I could understand" She takes the glass from my shaky hands and then strokes my face gently and I feel myself relaxing even more under her touch "But you did say one thing I got"
"What?" I ask as my heart rate begins to speed up
"Brian"
Not again...
"Who is Brian Trav?"
"I don't want to talk about it" I say pushing myself to my feet and stumbling towards the kitchen
"Travis!" I'm aware of her following behind me but in that moment I don't care about anything other than oblivion.
I reach into my refrigerator but only find water and fruit juice
"Trav..."
"Leave it Taylor, please"
"Baby you're scaring me"
"I said leave it!" My voice is louder and harsher than I ever wanted to speak to Taylor but I'm in a state of panic, my body and mind are operating separately as I return to my bedroom and pull on jeans and a hoody "I'm going out"
"Please don't leave"
"Don't wait up" and I'm out the door into the elevator before she can say another word
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