The drive from LAX to The Hollywood Hills was long but the walk from the car to our front door is longer.
I keep my shades on and fluff my hair, straighten my spine and prepare for whatever I'm about to find
There are things I can deal with and things I can not.
For instance, if I see one sign that another girl has been in my house or near my man then that's it, we are over, done, no more excuses and no more second chances
I take out my key and hate the way my hands tremble
Fuck him for making me this weak again!
It took him just over a year to help me become the strongest, most confident version of myself I had ever been and then it took him just a few weeks to completely dismantle me
I don't know what's going on...
I only know bits and pieces, things he has said in his sleep, things he screams when he is drunk and I'm on the other end of the phone but I don't know the truth... according to him nobody knows his truth and it's eating away at him, destroying him, corrupting his brain so that I barely recognise him anymore
I finally build up the courage to twist the key in the lock and push the front door open.
I pause, listening for voices, expecting to hear Travis and giggly females but instead all I hear is silence but I know Travis is home, his car is in the garage, I spoke to his new manager Andrew and his schedule is clear for a few days, their attempt to give him space to clear his mind
Leaving Particular Taste was a natural decision, he followed his heart and his instincts but without his band and estranged from his father he has struggled. Refusing to define himself or his music and then lurching from songwriter to songwriter.
In the course of a year I have only heard one new song and it was about me
Queen...
Who crowned you queen of
You think you're too cool
Making beautiful look ugly
The way you put yourself above me
If I said it didn't hurt l I would be lying and I'm not a liar anymore, my truth is my truth and I told Travis that.
His explanation that the idea grew before he knew me, when he and his father had only seen me and they had both judged me didn't help, didn't make things easier, it just put something between us that neither of us could see but both of us could feel and couldn't shake off
"Travis?" I hate the way my voice bounces off the walls, as though it has no intention of reaching him and is destined for my ears only.
I walk the marble corridor and head into the empty living room and out the double doors to the pool area
The table tops are littered with beer cans and vodka bottles, the water is clear and for a second I consider jumping into it, letting the water take me over and then fill me, taking me away from all of these traumas but then I regain control of my senses, I look around and realise there are no signs of anything other than an out of control Travis and head back inside, moving from room to room and then taking slow steps up the stairs towards our bedroom, the thought of Travis and some nameless female lying in our bed, causing my chest to shrink around and then cover my heart, my eyes screaming to let them release the tears they have been fighting to hold back
Walking the final steps my breath becomes trapped in my throat as my eyes dry and take in images I was not expecting to see.
My name...
Spray painted over our landing wall
I follow it down the hallway towards our bedroom, the door lies splintered on the floor
A red, spray painted broken heart visible amongst the splintered shards of wood
"Travis?" It's the only word I can force forward but silence is its reply
I move towards our gaping bedroom door, my mouth and throat dry as my heart attempts to pound it's way to freedom
"Trav?" I repeat, my terror now taking complete control of my body, causing my hands to shake and my forehead to sweat
I take a step through the decimated entrance and then almost collapse to my knees, because sitting huddled in the furthest corner from me, wearing nothing but white boxers and eyeliner is my man...
My first and only love
"Travis?" I whisper as I move closer to him, my hands reaching out but afraid of what I might touch
"Tay..." his voice is shaky and almost foreign to my ears
"Trav..." I repeat as I finally stand before him, my hands desperate but terrified to touch the flesh I'm not sure belongs to me anymore
"Taylor... baby..."
He looks up at me, his eyes red and wet, his wrists covered in raised red wounds "I'm sorry" I don't know why he's apologising but my blood runs cold
"Travis..."
"I'm so sorry Taylor"
I'm too terrified to ask him why so I just let him hold on to me, my heart terrified that this might be the last time I feel his flesh on mine
"Tell me what happened" I instruct, as though I have strength when my entire body feels drained of any
"Taylor... baby... I need you to help me" with those words he collapses against me, his sobs filling the thick empty air as his arms wrap desperately around my waist
