Just Us

chapter twenty-one

Sobbing, I am also gripping my dad's shirt. My mind was slowly fixing the imaginary script that I made for them not to feel the burden more.

"I love you, Dad...I love my family." I heaved a deep sigh, as I tried to pick up the puzzle of words that were on my mind. "You gave all the love and affection to me...but I hated it. I secretly loathed everything about this family."

Pakiramdam ko, sa mga oras na ito, hinuhubaran ako. Telling them the truth was like me being naked...me telling my hidden emotions and secrets. It was surreal. I was scared for a moment because I knew that I couldn't turn back time to erase what I was about to say.

I felt how he stiffed. Cluttering of plates was heard, I am now seeing my Papa looking at me with tears in his eyes. Dad was unmoving, and probably didn't take the word I said.

My heart was becoming heavy every seconds that passed. I can't breath. Natutok ang mata ko sa kulay brown na fur carpeted floor namin habang lumalabas ang luha sa mga mata.

I wanted to stop, I wanted to cover their ears to stop them from listening to my confession but I knew I needed this. We needed the closure that I was taking away from them.

"I hated the fact that I don't have a normal family. A father and a mother." Halos gusto ko na lang lunukin yung mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I don't want them to hear it. They probably didn't notice that. I am always all smiles with them. I always wear my happy mask to hide what I feel. And them hearing it, hearing their ball of sunshine hating them, it probably kills them.

"I am a thick-faced bitch, right?"I chuckled sadly. I heard my dad sigh, slowly, he reached for my arms and embraced me.

"I love you, dad. I love Papa but growing up, having a family like us is not normal for other kids." I sobbed harder, feeling the warmth of my father. The same person, I hated because I thought that he didn't care about the child's welfare. "It wasn't easy. I don't even want to be like you... in my mind you are selfish...in my mind, you didn't even care about me, about your child's welfare, and only care about the family that you're creating with the love of your life."

It wasn't them, hindi sa kanila yung kasalanan kung hindi sa mga magulang na hindi ipinapaintindi ang kahalagahan ng pakikipagkapwa- tao. It was never the victim's fault why they are being bullied, it was the family of the offenders' fault why they raised their children like that.

Muntik na kaming mahiga sa couch nang biglang sumugod si Papa ng yakap. My two protective and loving parents.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't know... I am not a good parent for not seeing through you... I-i'm sorry." I heard how his voice cracked, and it's fucking giving me pain...it hurts to hear my father beg for forgiveness for my young self that was bruised...that was wrecked.

Kirnon Dela Cuesta, the almighty businessman broke down, his tears were flowing down his cheeks, and his eyes were red, as he let us feel his warmth by his touch. His sobs and gentle whispers soothed me.

"I'm sorry that we are too oblivious to what is happening to you." Papa tucked my hair, his eyes were puffy red and he looked like Rudolph, Santa's reindeer because of his red nose. "We thought that we are being a good parent if we let you feel the love and adoration from us... Hindi namin naisip 'yung mga mararanasan mo. I didn't have any idea that the little ball of sunshine we have was carrying that kind of burden all along." Kumalma na kami, Pero parang may panibagong luha na naman na tutulo sa mata ni Papa habang hinahaplos ng marahang ang mukha ko.

We cried our eyes out. I researched about certain traumas and they said that talking and crying about it will reduce the pain and suffering of the victims. So, crying and telling my story to my family was a very big help for me to finally cope up.