Just Us

Chapter eighteen

The only sound that can hear is Amelie's voice singing, kasabay lang ng mahinang tunog ng airconditioner sa sala.

Kabubukas ko pa lang ng pinto ay mabilis akong pumasok sa kwarto para sana magpahinga.

I don't want to talk. Ayokong magsalita dahil masakit pa. It was like she was taking it lightly. All the negative emotions that I had and believe when I'm growing up.

NAGISING ako nang madilim na ang buong paligid. As soon as I opened my eyes, there's a sudden pain inside my chest kaya naman wala akong lakas habang tumatayo sa kama.

As soon as I opened the door on my room, naabutan kong tahimik lang na nakaupo si Mackenzie. The television is open but it is on mute. She was alone, kaya naman iginala ko ang mata ko unit pero wala akong nakitang Amelie.

Mackenzie is alone, she was sitting in front of the television, hindi ko makita ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya dahil nakatalikod siya sa akin pero alam kong alam niya na lumabas ako ng kwarto.

I walked towards the kitchen, madadaanan ko siya kaya hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang bahagyang pagsunod ng mata sa akin.

I don't know if I should speak my mind or not. I don't want to add another 'pag-iinarte' in her point of view.

Oo, tanggap ko na. On her point of view, my traumas and negative feelings were just called like that. O bsks bga iniisip niys na duwag lang akong harapin ang mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.

O, baka siguro nga totoo 'iyon. Na duwag ako.

Tahimik kong tinahak ang kitchen at doon dumiretso sa ref. I don't want to eat something heavy kaya kinuha ko na lang ang oat meal at naglagay sa bowl noon. I even add some fresh milk before I took my sit.

I add bananas on it saka marahang hinalo. The oatmeal take my full attention reason why I didn't see Mackenzie Sirene walking towards me. Her expression is unreadable.

"I grew up in a perfect world you say, hindi ba? And you know that I wanted to have a family of my own." Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa kutsara. "You know that right?"

Ang bilis naman yata. Ito na ba yon?

Natatawa na lang ako sa isip ko. I can't really looked at her, takot sa maaaring sakit na ibinibigay ko sa kaniya ngayon.

Alam ko namang panandalian ang mga bagay na iyon but is it really the end of it? Matatapos na ba?

I slowly nod, trying so hard to not stare back.

She chuckled but I can't even hear any joy, it was full of remorse, anger and pain. "Then why?" she asked softly. It was too soft...but it still stings. "Why are you trying to pursue me then? Why are you trying your luck to get my full my trust?"

Ang lamyos ng boses niya. Ang lambot, ang lambing pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mabigat ang emosyon na ibinibigay sa akin.

"Bakit kailangan mong iparamdam sa akin kung paano ka magmahal? Bakit kailangan mong kunin yung tiwala ko? Yung puso ko...kung hanggang ngayon nakakulong ka pa rin sa bagay na kinatatakutan mo na siyang pangarap ko!" finally, her voice broke. I immediately looked at her and saw how tears formed slowly on her eyes.

"Bakit?" hoarsely, her voice asked. Marahas niyang pinunasan ang mga luha sa mata niya gamit ang kamay bago tuminhin sa akin.

Fuck it! Hindi naman ito ganoon kasakit sa akin kapag nanggagago ako ng babae noon. Hindi ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Yung tipong hindi na ako makahinga sa sobrang bigat. Parang pinatungan ng isang sakong harina ang dibdib ko kaya nahihirapan ako.

"Mali ba na mahalin ka? Akala ko...kaya ko na...but I can't...ang s-sakit," I was literally catching my breaths, my throat was so dry but I managed to speak making it sounds so broken. "I just wanted to love and be loved even when I know that in the end you will choose to marry and build a family with a man because happiness looks good on you...having a family is for you."

Oo, tama nga siguro. Duwag ako, kasi umpisa pa lang pinutol ko na ang kung anong ideya naming dalawa na hanggang dulo. Because apparently, kahit gaano mo kamahal ang Isang tao, hindi mo siya kasama hanggang dulo.

Magtagal man kaming dalawa sa isang relasyon, alam kong hindi ako ang maghihintay sa kaniya sa harap ng altar. Sa akin man magtagal, sa akin man magbago, alam ko ng hindi sa akin ikakasal.

"Sino ka para diktahan ako, huh?" I can't answer. My eyes remain on the food that I don't have an appetite to swallow, hindi ko na kayang makita ang sakit sa mga mata niya. I saw how she tapped her feet unconsciously before I heard her laugh. "Ang selfish mo."

I harshly looked at her, hindi makapaniwala sa narinig sa kaniya. "Selfish? Me? I want you to reach your dream. I want you to achieve it...kahit ang sakit...kahit ang hirap!" I licked my lowerlip as my lips were quivering. Pinipilit magsalita kahit na ang hirap dahil sa namumuong bara sa lalamunan ko. "You were the first person I laid my eyes on. You are the first woman that caught my attention...yung tipong handa akong kalimutan lahat ng babae, nakasanayang buhay...kasi ikaw na iyan. You are my Mackenzie Sirene...you are my dream." I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to swallow every pain.

I tried to change. I am trying so hard to be on her good side. Pro ginusto ko yung mga pagbabago na iyon. Ginusto kong magbago dahil takot akong maiwan na palagi ko namang ginagawa.

I don't want an attachment reason why I have to settle for flings or one night stand but when it comes to her, I dreamed. Nangarap ako na sana may  background akong hindi nakakahiya sa kaniya.

I hope that I take relationships seriously for her to easily give the trust that I am asking.

"If I am selfish I would forget all your dreams to have you...or even forget what I've been through para lang naibigay sa iyo ang gusto mo... but I can't really do that. I can't give you a sleepless night while thinking of our children's welfare. Hindi ko kayang ibigay ang pangarap mong tahimik at masayang pamilya, Mackenzie."

I love her, tanggap na tanggap ko na iyon ngayon kaya hindi ko hahayaan na lumaki yung magiging anak niya dala-dala ang trauma na galing sa amin.

Mackenzie Sirene deserves to be a mother. She is too lovable that I can't even imagine her watching her child go away because of the pain that the child can not communicate. The secret hatred for her is something that is too painful to see.

Kasi hanggang ngayon, nandoon pa rin ako. I love my family. I love dad and Papa with all my heart, but there's a little glint of anger inside me na hindi mawala-wala kahit gaano ko sila kamahal.

Hanggang ngayon nandito pa rin itong sakit na dala ng mga pangungutya at pang-aasar sa akin dahil abnormal daw ang pamilya ko.

Hindi ko yata kaya ang ganoon.

"Paano kung walang anak. Tayong dalawa lang? Okay lang ba yon?" Nilingon ko muli siya. She is hopeful. She was trying to smile but her eyes states otherwise. She was hurt. "Hiramin na lang natin si Amelie? Okay lang ba yun? We can visit your cousins—" she sounded so desperate that I needed to cut her out. Every word she said stings.

I don't want that. I want her to achieve to achieve her dreams without me, kasi pangarap niya iyon. Every child deserves a mother like her. She deserves to be called a mother and I am not that bad to refuse to give that.

I held her hand that was trying to touch me and shook my head. "You can have the family of your own, my love. You can be the queen for own castle. A queen beside true king... I can't be a king because I am also a queen...but I can a be queen without a king. You deserve a king, love. I'm sorry that I cannot be that for you."

"I want to have a family...I want to have kids with the person I love... Anong silbi ng pangarap ko kung hindi ikaw ang kasama kong umabot noon?" her chest heaved. Tumungo kasabay nang paglaglag ng libu-libong luha sa mga mata niya. "I don't need a king either... I only need you."

Every words she uttered brings deep cut wounds directed in my heart.

If only I was brave enough. Akala ko kaya ko na. Okay na naman ako kanina. Nakaya ko na lumabas at makita kasama sila na parang totoong pamilya. Pero hindi pa rin pala. Takot pa rin ako.

Ang hirap.

"Gustung-gusto ko...ganoon kita kamahal. Believe me pero takot ako. I dont want my child to experience what I experienced. Ayoko ng maranasan niya ang maranasan ko. Yes, my family loves me. I can give all the love she needs but the world is too cruel for people like us. My parents are just both male inlove but they treated me like I a murderer' daughter...ayoko non, Mackenzie. Tamang ng ako na lang...huwag na siya...huwag na kayo."

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