Blue Moon (gxg)

Who am I? (21)

I remained on that floor in my room, with my arms tightly across my knees, staring at the bed in front of me, until that vision became covered by my own tears.

I sunk my eyes between my legs, but the tears continued to fall.
When I was alone, I had to deal with myself.
When I was alone, I had to fight with my own demons, and I was never ready.

Bella's words came back to me:
<< If this feels wrong to you ... Just tell me and I'll stop.>>

Wrong...
How could an emotion so strong, so overwhelming, so unattainable be wrong?

After all, isn't that all we seek? A thrill, a look, a touch, that makes us feel good, that makes us feel something...
And I felt that with Bella.
When I am with her I feel a warmth inside of me that I have never felt before.

But my heart is aching...
I slowly got up from the floor and reached the bathroom, washing my face with a copious amount of water.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and starting to fantasize about myself.
Who am I? Who am I not? And who I wanna be?

I thought I was a simple 23-year-old girl with one certainty: my wedding with Joe, the boy I had been together with for six years.

What am I now?
A cheater? A bad person?
I couldn't give myself peace.

Why is this happening?
Am I attracted to girls now?

I had too many questions and a very few answers.
I took my phone back in hand before realizing that I hadn't dared touch it all afternoon.
My hands were shaking.

Joe had sent me a bunch of photos of his trip and a text:
<< Baby, I'm happy we finally made up the situation <3 >>

He meant the situation he created by leaving with his best friend during our pre-wedding trip.
If I hadn't taken a step back during the phone call we had, we would never made up the situation... because he was like that... He waits for others to clear up his mess.

But why was I the only one of the couple that always ended up feeling guilty, wrong, inadequate at the the end of the day?

Fear crossed my back.
I desperately needed to talk to someone.
Not with him.
My mind was unable to control so many thoughts, and I felt that my secret was too big to carry on my shoulders.

So I had to call the one right person, once again, my best friend, Delilah.

I wiped away the tears, sat on the edge of the tub... but my finger still didn't have the courage to start that call.
How could I confess her everything?

Hold on... Delilah would never judge me... she knew me so well... she has been with me in my darkest times.
I trust her, she is my best friend.
In that moment I decided to call her, right away.

<< Hey, what's going on today? Two calls in one day? >> She laughed through the phone.
<< Ellie...?>> She called me again since I wasn't talking.

<< I'm here...>> I sighed. <<... But I don't know if I'm able to speak.>> I said wiping my eyes.

<< Yes, you can... you can do whatever you want...>>

I took a deep breath:
<<Not this time... because... oh... this a mess, Deli, a huge mess...>>

<< Come on... tell me... what's the matter with you?>>
Delilah understood right away that there was something deeper going on than a simple call between two friends.