Blue Moon (gxg)

Strangers again. (45)

Bella left the room.
As soon as I heard the door close, I burst into tears. They stream copiously down my face, but they offer no relief.

My heart feels like it's being crushed under an unbearable weight.
It's like I'm going to just fall apart in any moment.

Memories of her flood in my mind, and each one is like a knife twisting into the wound.
I keep recalling her voice, the warmth of her body... the eager and delicate way in which we made love...

Everything shattered into pieces now and it's only my fault.

If I can't even believe in myself, what can I believe in?
Not even in what we could have had.

And I can't stop thinking about the consequences.
And I can't stop thinking about how I'll be her ruin.

The only way to prevent that... the only way to do that is to stay away. To let her go.
Even if it kills me.

I clung to the shirt I was wearing, her shirt... in which I could smell her scent.
Tears fell down on it too, but I don't want to, and I don't dare to take it off.

I pressed my face deeper into the pillow, every sob was a cry for something I couldn't have.

I couldn't have her but I yearned for her.
Every inch my body yearned her and I couldn't do anything about it.

I closed my eyes and I see her, I fell asleep devastated at first light.

*BELLA'S POV*

This night I understood what it means to lose control of your own emotions.
And I'm not okay with that, definitely not okay with that.

I had never felt more exposed and vulnerable than this.
It's like my heart it's made of lead.

The dim light of this fucking resort barely guided me to my room but I was gasping for air, so I went to the balcony.

"Fuck me... Fuck me..." I muttered walking back and forth.

Pride and anger are bubbling within me like a fire I can't put out.

I sat down, trying to regain control of myself, but I couldn't fight the tears that were coming.

How everything slipped trough my fingers like that? Is it me?

I don't want to lose her, I'm not ready yet.

And I can't help but think about how I've hurt her.
The memory of her face and the hurt in her eyes...

I had pushed as far as I could go, and said things to her that I didn't mean. Fuck–I didn't mean it.

Just because I couldn't stop from snapping.
Just because my fucking pride got in the way.

What the hell is wrong with me?

She is probably hating me.
She must be.

And it would be easier if I hated her, to make this easier on myself.
But I don't.

I mean, how could I?
When everything that I have left is still burning for her.

God, it would be so much easier to just walk away, to pretend none of this meant anything. But it did.
She does.

Every damn moment it's her.
And no matter how hard I try, I can't fucking turn that off.

And what's worse? I don't even know if I deserve her anymore.